Confessions Of Love For My Man

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By Lana Moline

I know you heard me say that “I had to holla at my man,” and that “I love being married to an imperfect man.” But honestly, I’ve put my husband through some changes.  I’m not talking about the toilet seat being up or the tooth paste cap being off.  I’m talking about the kind that comes with having lots of baggage that I packed with me and brought to our first home nearly 12 years ago.
When I write, however poetic, I bare my soul but this is by far the most personal thing I have ever written.
As much as we encourage women to stand by their man, there’s no song that rips that sentiment for men.  Just plenty filled with the pressure of treating that woman right.  I think men do a much better job of holding it all together when things go wrong and we can learn from that.  We are so wrapped into our own emotions until we really don’t stop as often as we should to recognize that our men are hurting sometimes because we’ve hurt them along the way.  When I think about the roller coaster ride and the part that I played in furthering the problems, I am sick to my stomach.  For all of it, I sincerely apologize.
Many of us take for granted that our men will bounce back because they are always firm in their “I’m a man stance.”  That’s part of what we love about our men.  If they gave in to as many emotions as we do, they would be viewed as weak.  So instead they channel an inner strength that gives them the ability to regroup, refocus and come back strong every time.  I have to tell you that I love a man with quiet strength who I believe can do anything.  But sometimes, the girl in me speaks when his woman should.  The little girl sometimes entertains a warped sense of reality and has uncannily bad timing.  It is in those moments that I am elated that despite all the drama, he loves me anyway.
I can attest for a fact that the measure of a man in love is one who views the entire picture through the eyes of love.  He massages her strengths, kisses her weaknesses and holds her every night until all the bad dreams and fears are chased away.  And in the morning, he’s still there waiting to prove it all over again.
I confess, my man’s the one!
Ladies, stop right now and make sure your man knows that you appreciate and value his love!
Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.

Why You Asking Me All Them Questions?

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VIDEO: Yall this video right here had us cracking up when we first saw it.  It’s a hilarious spin on how some folks act in relationships when dealing with insecurities, infidelity, and trust issues.  By no means are we promoting any of the deception or communication strategies demonstrated in this video….we simply found it to be funny as HELL.  And some of yall may know some folks that act this way. LOL.  Check these two dudes out and let us know what you think. Enjoy the laugh.

Expectations Can Help Or Hurt Your Relationship

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We’ve said it many times that it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to be a mind reader. Having a connection is one thing….but thinking they’ve got a crystal ball in their back pocket is something totally different. Far to often couples are unsuccessful in their relationship because they don’t have a good grasp on expectations.

Expectations can lead either to huge disappointment and frustration or to deeper connection between a couple. Here, we will discuss four guidelines for handling expectations well. Successful couples usually do a pretty good job on all 4.


I Just Want To Be Understood

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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

”Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” – Stephen Covey

How often have you heard yourself say:

“I just want someone to understand me.”

“I just want to be heard.”

“I feel invisible.”

“I just want to be seen.”

I know what it feels like to not be understood, heard, or seen, as I spent most of the first 45 years of my life feeling invisible.

It feels terrible.

By that time I had learned to do what Stephen Covey recommends. I was very good at understanding others, but I still didn’t feel understood by them.

It only took me 45 years to understand that what was really happening is that I wasn’t seeing, hearing, or understanding myself, and the people in my life were reflecting my own inner system. I had worked so hard to hear and understand others that I had completely forgotten to hear and understand my own feelings and needs. I fully believed that since I was good at hearing and seeing and understanding others, they should do the same for me.

That never happened until I learned to see, hear, understand, and value my own feelings and needs.

It wasn’t easy to start to listen inside. I was so focused on others’ feelings and needs that I was completely out of touch with my own. And I had to come to grips with the fact that my listening and hearing and understanding others had an agenda attached. It wasn’t coming from love but from neediness – I NEEDED them to listen to and understand me because I was completely abandoning myself.

Today, many years later, life is completely different. Sure, I love it when someone hears me and sees me and understands me – but now it’s the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. Now I can listen to others from my heart and truly see and understand them because I don’t need anything from them.

I don’t need anything from them because the little girl in me feels me with her all the time – listening to my feelings, taking loving action in my own behalf, learning about what my inner child needs from me as a loving adult – a loving inner parent. Because the child in me – my feeling self – feels seen and heard and valued and understood by me, I can offer my caring and understanding to others from a full heart.

This is the inner work that we all need to do if we ever want to experience the wonderful feeling that comes from being truly seen and valued.

The thing that was in the way for me is that I always believed being seen and understood by others is what was truly important and fulfilling. Before practicing Inner Bonding, I had never experienced the profound joy of seeing, hearing and understanding myself. I could not even conceive of it feeling better than being understood by someone else. After all, wasn’t my value, as the wizard said to the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, not in how much I loved, but in how much I was loved by others? (The typical false belief of a narcissist!)

Now, I still love to be understood by others, but I don’t NEED to be understood by them to feel worthy and full within. Now, when someone important to me doesn’t listen or see or care or understand, I can fully and compassionately understand and care about the loneliness and heartache my inner child might feel, without taking their behavior personally. Seeing, caring about and understanding myself is profoundly powerful and fulfilling.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.comor email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available. 


5 Truths To Help You Radically Transform Communication In Your Relationship

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By Debbie Manigat

My husband and I have been together for nine years now and I can’t wait to celebrate our ten year anniversary! We dated for three years, were engaged for two, and have been married for four… yeah there was some serious courtship going on there and deep, deep reflection because we wanted to make sure that this was a “forever type of love” and not just two hopeless romantics “infatuated with love”. As I reflect on how we’ve made it this far, I can honestly say that one thing sticks out is- sincere communication.

We promised each other from the beginning, no matter how bad the fights, how crazy the in-laws, or how we may grow and change that we’d always talk and share how we felt. As a result, I’ve come to identify five core communication truths that not only get us through our daily life, but that I also think will help you and your special someone in your walk of love.

5 Truths to Transform your Communication:

1.)    Give your marriage attention on a daily basis- at least 15 minutes of meaningful dialog. The focus of this dialog should be on your feelings about each other and your life together- NOT about what happened at work, what some crazy driver did on the highway, or what’s going on in politics, etc.

2.)    Be curious about each other and give your relationship the same priority and attention you gave it when you were first dating- ask lots of questions. Babe, do you still like going to…? Do you want to do something different this year for the holidays? Do you want to try new things in the bedroom? Do you like it when I… (you fill in the blank and have fun!)

3.)    Be willing to self- disclose by sharing your innermost thoughts and most private experiences. This is where your outside life comes in. Share how you really feel about your co-workers and boss. Share how you feel about the presidential race without worrying about being judged one way or another; share what’s new with the in-laws or a new embarrassing moment.

4.)    Good communication happens when you choose to make your primary goal understanding rather than being understood. This is one of the hardest parts of communicating to a spouse- especially if you are in the midst of a heated argument. I know firsthand that I always want my husband to understand where I’m coming from, but in the end that usually backfires as if I’m not listening to him or understanding his point of view. So I’ve learned that it’s best to make my primary goal to listen and be understanding, once he realizes how open I’m am, he will in turn give me the same respect.

5.)    If problems still continue, seek counseling before they become too overwhelming or seem irreparable. There’s always hope and healing in matters of the heart; don’t give up, seek the help you need to make sure you both are satisfied.

Debbie Manigat is a Writer, Marriage Mentor/ Counselor, and co-owner of Divine Motivation, a Faith-Based Lifestyle Empowerment Firm… Follow her @DMotivation or “like” them on Facebook: Divine Motivation, LLC. Their organization website is www.divinemotivationllc.com


 

Dealing With An Insecure Wife

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“My wife appears confident and assured to the outside world but is insecure within our relationship” writes this husband. What does one partner do when you know that your spouse has issues around how they truly see themselves and feel about themselves AND it’s taking a toll on the relationship? What if that spouse is unable to see what you see and to top it off  is very defensive when you try to bring things to her attention? Listen is as The Ma’at’s share their thoughts.

QUESTION: How do you handle the hang ups of your mate? Do you ignore them or insist that they confront them?

4 Must Have Tips To Help You Be The Best Listener You Can Be

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VIDEO: Being a good listener requires concentration and perhaps breaking some of the listening habits you’ve developed over time. For the most part, focus on the other individual and what they are saying, wait for them to finish, and think before you begin to rattle off a response. You’ve got 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.  Effective listening skills are critical to your success in creating and keeping relationships. Check out these 4 must have tips to help you be the best listener you can be.

7 Steps To Build A Bridge To Romance

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By Joseph

Ever run into a brick wall, so to speak, with your mate? Can’t seem to pass go without collecting 200 fresh wounds? Well, it’s time to build a bridge and tear down that brick wall. Here are your tools:
ATTITUDE:  Get an attitude adjustment first. Lighten up and do a 180-degree about face. Read the Sunday comics, grab an old comic book, turn on the Comedy channel, watch funny videos or DVDs. Get in a better mood and pass it along to your mate. Invite your mate to tune in to comedy with you, too.
FRIENDSHIP:  Go back to being friends for starters now that you’re in a good mood. Forget the love stuff, if you want. And just focus on being good friends; share compliments, do things for one another, go out and have fun together, enjoy each others company.
RELAX: Let your hair down. Trust and relax. Be yourself. Don’t let old wounds open or fester. Forget the garbage memories and just be in the here and now together.
TIME OUT: If possible, spend extra time together for awhile, like during your original courting days. Hire a sitter, order out, eat at fast food places, grab ice cream cones and go for walks in the park. Get to know each other all over again. That is the key. Then you’ll remember why you fell for each other in the beginning and history will hopefully repeat itself.
COMMUNICATION: Take it slow and easy. Tread lightly around subjects that you don’t agree upon. And slowly re-learn to communicate with each other all over again. If necessary, get help….it’s not a crime.  Seek a trusted friend or adviser, a church clergy member or certified professional counselor. No need to go it alone. Find your weak areas, examine how to over come them, and plan for future communication difficulties.
GOALS : Gradually develop goals together so you’ll have a direction to head. Write them down in a notebook just for the two of you. And over time, develop them, revise them, cross them off your list. The idea is to have goals together and work towards a common goal.
SCRAP BOOK: Create a memory album together. Add photos, clippings, menus and anything that reminds you of the good times. Then when tough times comes, you’ll have something to hold on on your bridge to romance.
So don’t just sit back and sulk.
Take short steps to improve your relationships and let lifes problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship.

The A B C’s Of Marriage. It’s Not Child’s Play

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By Ruth Purple

You’re in this for the long haul-MARRIAGE. Some people are afraid of it, some can’t wait for it. Others never even consider it. Marriage is one of the greatest decisions we make in our lifetime. A decision which means we are ready to face and tackle situations bigger than ourselves.

Being emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically ready is a must if you are decided in walking the aisle. Having a positive perspective and considering the larger picture and thinking ahead are one of the basics of marriage. In marriage, your responsibility is so magnanimous, a lot of things depends on you.

That is why love is one of the essentials of entering this sacred vow-it makes everything beautiful no matter how heavy and demanding matters get. But there’s a catch- no matter how much you love, respect and adore each other it will never ever count unless you show it to your partner.

That is why everything boils down to communication. It’s not as easy as it seems. Communication requires honesty, vulnerability and compromise. You should learn to let your guard down and let go of your own issues. Scary if you think about it but would you rather prioritize your own fears and issues at the expense of the betterment of your relationship? Power play in marriage is like oil in water- its a poison mixture.

A hug, a kiss before leaving for work, simple things that make you feel you really belong. All of these are forms of communication or affection. Listening is also important, not just ordinary listening but really listening- paying attention. When you listen, focus on the message your partner needs to convey not your own insecurities.

Communication in marriage is opening your soul, your whole being and not losing it, doing this should definitely make you grow as a person. Consider communication as the blood supply of your marriage-it is the one carrying the love and respect and other essential nutrients to make the whole relationship function properly.

Yes, there will be glitches but as long as the blood keeps on circulating- it will be okay. Trust will not exist in marriage if there is no communication. And having no trust in a relationship is like living inside an invisible cage- hell on earth. Once communication is settled and trust is established it is easier for other areas of your marriage to fall into place.

A strong foundation depends upon your beliefs, your values, your morals and how much you are willing to compromise. This is quite critical because this is what your marriage is built upon. Couples who have different views in this area don’t last very long. Learning to compromise and meet halfway is half the battle.

Other significant elements that every marriage cannot live without is of course- total honesty, full understanding and sincere forgiveness. All of these should be practiced with each other and also with yourself. You have to be honest. If there is no true understanding of yourself and no honesty within yourself it will be difficult for you to be honest with your spouse.

No one is perfect so cut yourself some slack sometimes.  It is impossible to forgive others if you cannot forgive yourself. It goes without saying that you should learn to take care of yourself before you decide to take care of others. Aside from loving, trusting and understanding each other, by all means be friends- establish a friendship with each other because no matter how difficult and tedious things get, it will be fun when your doing it with a friend.


Ruth Purple is a freelance writer and relationship coach. Visit her at Youcangethimback.com.

What’s Really Going On? Getting To The Unmet Need.

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Do you really want to have more productive communication? Do you really want your man or woman to understand what’s really going on? Do you feel like your spouse just doesn’t get “it” or get “you”? There is a way to get what you want but you have to be more committed to unraveling understanding than to your issue or your agenda. If you’re really ready, listen in and learn how to reduce the frustration and move closer to resolution as we help you have more productive conversations by asking 1 simple question: What is the unmet need?