Confessions Of Love For My Man
By Lana Moline
By Lana Moline
VIDEO: Yall this video right here had us cracking up when we first saw it. It’s a hilarious spin on how some folks act in relationships when dealing with insecurities, infidelity, and trust issues. By no means are we promoting any of the deception or communication strategies demonstrated in this video….we simply found it to be funny as HELL. And some of yall may know some folks that act this way. LOL. Check these two dudes out and let us know what you think. Enjoy the laugh.
We’ve said it many times that it’s unreasonable to expect your partner to be a mind reader. Having a connection is one thing….but thinking they’ve got a crystal ball in their back pocket is something totally different. Far to often couples are unsuccessful in their relationship because they don’t have a good grasp on expectations.
Expectations can lead either to huge disappointment and frustration or to deeper connection between a couple. Here, we will discuss four guidelines for handling expectations well. Successful couples usually do a pretty good job on all 4.
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
”Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” – Stephen Covey
How often have you heard yourself say:
“I just want someone to understand me.”
“I just want to be heard.”
“I feel invisible.”
“I just want to be seen.”
I know what it feels like to not be understood, heard, or seen, as I spent most of the first 45 years of my life feeling invisible.
It feels terrible.
By that time I had learned to do what Stephen Covey recommends. I was very good at understanding others, but I still didn’t feel understood by them.
It only took me 45 years to understand that what was really happening is that I wasn’t seeing, hearing, or understanding myself, and the people in my life were reflecting my own inner system. I had worked so hard to hear and understand others that I had completely forgotten to hear and understand my own feelings and needs. I fully believed that since I was good at hearing and seeing and understanding others, they should do the same for me.
That never happened until I learned to see, hear, understand, and value my own feelings and needs.
It wasn’t easy to start to listen inside. I was so focused on others’ feelings and needs that I was completely out of touch with my own. And I had to come to grips with the fact that my listening and hearing and understanding others had an agenda attached. It wasn’t coming from love but from neediness – I NEEDED them to listen to and understand me because I was completely abandoning myself.
Today, many years later, life is completely different. Sure, I love it when someone hears me and sees me and understands me – but now it’s the icing on the cake, not the cake itself. Now I can listen to others from my heart and truly see and understand them because I don’t need anything from them.
I don’t need anything from them because the little girl in me feels me with her all the time – listening to my feelings, taking loving action in my own behalf, learning about what my inner child needs from me as a loving adult – a loving inner parent. Because the child in me – my feeling self – feels seen and heard and valued and understood by me, I can offer my caring and understanding to others from a full heart.
This is the inner work that we all need to do if we ever want to experience the wonderful feeling that comes from being truly seen and valued.
The thing that was in the way for me is that I always believed being seen and understood by others is what was truly important and fulfilling. Before practicing Inner Bonding, I had never experienced the profound joy of seeing, hearing and understanding myself. I could not even conceive of it feeling better than being understood by someone else. After all, wasn’t my value, as the wizard said to the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz, not in how much I loved, but in how much I was loved by others? (The typical false belief of a narcissist!)
Now, I still love to be understood by others, but I don’t NEED to be understood by them to feel worthy and full within. Now, when someone important to me doesn’t listen or see or care or understand, I can fully and compassionately understand and care about the loneliness and heartache my inner child might feel, without taking their behavior personally. Seeing, caring about and understanding myself is profoundly powerful and fulfilling.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner bonding now! Visit her website for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.comor email her at mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.
By Debbie Manigat
My husband and I have been together for nine years now and I can’t wait to celebrate our ten year anniversary! We dated for three years, were engaged for two, and have been married for four… yeah there was some serious courtship going on there and deep, deep reflection because we wanted to make sure that this was a “forever type of love” and not just two hopeless romantics “infatuated with love”. As I reflect on how we’ve made it this far, I can honestly say that one thing sticks out is- sincere communication.
We promised each other from the beginning, no matter how bad the fights, how crazy the in-laws, or how we may grow and change that we’d always talk and share how we felt. As a result, I’ve come to identify five core communication truths that not only get us through our daily life, but that I also think will help you and your special someone in your walk of love.
5 Truths to Transform your Communication:
1.) Give your marriage attention on a daily basis- at least 15 minutes of meaningful dialog. The focus of this dialog should be on your feelings about each other and your life together- NOT about what happened at work, what some crazy driver did on the highway, or what’s going on in politics, etc.
2.) Be curious about each other and give your relationship the same priority and attention you gave it when you were first dating- ask lots of questions. Babe, do you still like going to…? Do you want to do something different this year for the holidays? Do you want to try new things in the bedroom? Do you like it when I… (you fill in the blank and have fun!)
3.) Be willing to self- disclose by sharing your innermost thoughts and most private experiences. This is where your outside life comes in. Share how you really feel about your co-workers and boss. Share how you feel about the presidential race without worrying about being judged one way or another; share what’s new with the in-laws or a new embarrassing moment.
4.) Good communication happens when you choose to make your primary goal understanding rather than being understood. This is one of the hardest parts of communicating to a spouse- especially if you are in the midst of a heated argument. I know firsthand that I always want my husband to understand where I’m coming from, but in the end that usually backfires as if I’m not listening to him or understanding his point of view. So I’ve learned that it’s best to make my primary goal to listen and be understanding, once he realizes how open I’m am, he will in turn give me the same respect.
5.) If problems still continue, seek counseling before they become too overwhelming or seem irreparable. There’s always hope and healing in matters of the heart; don’t give up, seek the help you need to make sure you both are satisfied.
Debbie Manigat is a Writer, Marriage Mentor/ Counselor, and co-owner of Divine Motivation, a Faith-Based Lifestyle Empowerment Firm… Follow her @DMotivation or “like” them on Facebook: Divine Motivation, LLC. Their organization website is www.divinemotivationllc.com
“My wife appears confident and assured to the outside world but is insecure within our relationship” writes this husband. What does one partner do when you know that your spouse has issues around how they truly see themselves and feel about themselves AND it’s taking a toll on the relationship? What if that spouse is unable to see what you see and to top it off is very defensive when you try to bring things to her attention? Listen is as The Ma’at’s share their thoughts.
QUESTION: How do you handle the hang ups of your mate? Do you ignore them or insist that they confront them?
VIDEO: Being a good listener requires concentration and perhaps breaking some of the listening habits you’ve developed over time. For the most part, focus on the other individual and what they are saying, wait for them to finish, and think before you begin to rattle off a response. You’ve got 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason. Effective listening skills are critical to your success in creating and keeping relationships. Check out these 4 must have tips to help you be the best listener you can be.
By Joseph
By Ruth Purple
You’re in this for the long haul-MARRIAGE. Some people are afraid of it, some can’t wait for it. Others never even consider it. Marriage is one of the greatest decisions we make in our lifetime. A decision which means we are ready to face and tackle situations bigger than ourselves.
Being emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically ready is a must if you are decided in walking the aisle. Having a positive perspective and considering the larger picture and thinking ahead are one of the basics of marriage. In marriage, your responsibility is so magnanimous, a lot of things depends on you.
That is why love is one of the essentials of entering this sacred vow-it makes everything beautiful no matter how heavy and demanding matters get. But there’s a catch- no matter how much you love, respect and adore each other it will never ever count unless you show it to your partner.
That is why everything boils down to communication. It’s not as easy as it seems. Communication requires honesty, vulnerability and compromise. You should learn to let your guard down and let go of your own issues. Scary if you think about it but would you rather prioritize your own fears and issues at the expense of the betterment of your relationship? Power play in marriage is like oil in water- its a poison mixture.
A hug, a kiss before leaving for work, simple things that make you feel you really belong. All of these are forms of communication or affection. Listening is also important, not just ordinary listening but really listening- paying attention. When you listen, focus on the message your partner needs to convey not your own insecurities.
Communication in marriage is opening your soul, your whole being and not losing it, doing this should definitely make you grow as a person. Consider communication as the blood supply of your marriage-it is the one carrying the love and respect and other essential nutrients to make the whole relationship function properly.
Yes, there will be glitches but as long as the blood keeps on circulating- it will be okay. Trust will not exist in marriage if there is no communication. And having no trust in a relationship is like living inside an invisible cage- hell on earth. Once communication is settled and trust is established it is easier for other areas of your marriage to fall into place.
A strong foundation depends upon your beliefs, your values, your morals and how much you are willing to compromise. This is quite critical because this is what your marriage is built upon. Couples who have different views in this area don’t last very long. Learning to compromise and meet halfway is half the battle.
Other significant elements that every marriage cannot live without is of course- total honesty, full understanding and sincere forgiveness. All of these should be practiced with each other and also with yourself. You have to be honest. If there is no true understanding of yourself and no honesty within yourself it will be difficult for you to be honest with your spouse.
No one is perfect so cut yourself some slack sometimes. It is impossible to forgive others if you cannot forgive yourself. It goes without saying that you should learn to take care of yourself before you decide to take care of others. Aside from loving, trusting and understanding each other, by all means be friends- establish a friendship with each other because no matter how difficult and tedious things get, it will be fun when your doing it with a friend.
Ruth Purple is a freelance writer and relationship coach. Visit her at Youcangethimback.com.
Do you really want to have more productive communication? Do you really want your man or woman to understand what’s really going on? Do you feel like your spouse just doesn’t get “it” or get “you”? There is a way to get what you want but you have to be more committed to unraveling understanding than to your issue or your agenda. If you’re really ready, listen in and learn how to reduce the frustration and move closer to resolution as we help you have more productive conversations by asking 1 simple question: What is the unmet need?