If You Really Loved Me …You Wouldn’t Hurt Me
VIDEO: Have you ever had someone hurt you in a relationship but swore up and down that they loved you? Your response was probably “if you really loved me you wouldn’t hurt (lie, steal, cheat) me”. What if we said that’s not true. Listen to this video and hear how it’s possible for love and hurt to coexist. “Note* We are not excusing inappropriate behavior…we are examining it.”
I recently learned of my husband's infidelity. It is devastating to say the least and I am asking how can he say he loves me if he cheats on me. And continued to do it even though he knew I was questioning his actions. This video helps me to understand the epiphany I had recently that people package there love in different ways and if it isn't wrapped the way we were expecting to see it we often overlook. My friend and I were at lunch and we both had salads but they were different. Had we received the wrong one we would have most likely sent it back without even tasting it, at least I know I would have. It could have been an excellent salad that I ended up enjoying but because it wasn't what I ordered, I would have sent it back. That's how I've treated my husband's love. He gave me what he had but it wasn't what I needed, desired and/or was looking for. I'm in no way making an excuse for his failure, I am trying to take responsibility for mines in hopes of learning to improve my relationships going forward. Thanks again for the insight.
Thank you so much, Ma’ats! I needed to hear this. I know my spouse loves. I understand why he hurt me even it’s challenging to “forgive and forget”. We need to establish how to love one another how we would like to be loved and compromise when there’s disagreements. Thank you again. Hopefully he get some insight from this video.
Great post!!
THANK YOU! This was just what I need to hear. I truly can see what Maya Angelou meant when she said "When you Know Better you Do Better" If a person only knows one way to love you can't blame them. One must sit and evaluate is that love enough for them to hang around. Again a real eye opener.
I agree with that last statement. "One must sit and evaluate is that love enough for them to hang around." Just know when you approach that answer or conclusion to that statement, it really may not be what you want or need. Been there done that. Paid hefty price.
Great post. I love the conversation about not being loved the way you want to be loved. For those who may want some deeper insight, check out the 5 love languages by Gary Smalley (I think that's how you spell his last name). This has helped my wife and I a lot because we have EXTREMELY different love languages. I show her love how I WANT TO BE LOVED, and she shows me LOVE how SHE WANTS TO BE LOVED. We now know each others love language so we have to bend so that we can love each other the way we want to be loved. Have a blessed day everyone!
I agree Terrence…great book!
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Wassup Terrence. The book "The 5 Love Languages" is by Gary Chapman.
Im in a simular situation where i've cheated countless times however, i love the person i cheated on to death. I believe it is personal and environmental issues that caused me not to be trusted in that department but now i have to face my demons and fix the situation for myself. God knows how bad i want things to work between the two of us but i have to continue to grow and develop for me so that the next time im in a loving situation i will nurture it. Peace
i don't understand how you can say you love someone and cheat on them. Love does not do another wrong or betray.
people define and demonstrate love the best they know how. it's very possible to cheat on someone that you love. the challenge is to elevate your understanding and application of love so cheating is no longer a possibility.
I agree. Love does not hurt! We all have choices. Why is it easier to cheat, lie or hurt somenone than to tell the truth and say this is not working for me. I don't think things just happen there is a conscience decision made. When you love someone, you consider their feeling in all that you do.
A lot of people over analyze cheating. It sounds bad, but I have cheated on women that I loved before, I felt like a piece of shit afterward but the thing is you can love a woman with all your heart and maybe everything may even be good for a year or two. But after a while you grow tired of the same routines, as fun as they may be. You meet new women in your travels, she tells you everything you want to hear. And you give in to the weakness of man, not thinking about just how much you really love your woman. You think of it at times, but you push it all the way to the back of your head, because you have already mad your mind up to cheat…you feel shitty for a while….and you smile in the face of your significant other trying to hide the pain and guilt. Only to let it drift away from your memory banks…..If you can muster some strength, you will learn from your mistakes….if not you continue to repeat the vicious cycle
Bishop The Eastside Nappyhead,
Make sure you stay single definitely, and don't have any children because you don't have the will power and strength to resist other women, while being in a committed relationship. So, please for the sake of our race and the innocent black children that has been brought into this world with deadbeat, cheating, and no good fathers. "Please don't have any children" !!!!!
Hi Justin. I am glad that you are able to identify the wrong that happened and work towards being a better you. I encourage anyone who can boldly admit his or her wrongs, and a plan to fix it. Thank you, bruh.
PART 2: I remember struggling with this very same question as I went through an abusive relationship. I would ask myself, if he loves me, how could he treat me this way? And if he doesn't love me, was the entire relationship a lie? That was a huge struggle for me. As I went through counseling, I realized that his abuse didn't mean that he didn't love me. It meant that that was the only way that he knew how to love. Was I going to stick around for it? Absolutely not! But just being able to realize that he may have still loved me, in his own dysfunctional way, allowed me to heal much quicker. So I say all this to say what? I just wanted to stress Aiyana's point, that there are some situations that you just can't stick around for. And that doesn't mean that a person doesn't love you. But it does mean that you are worth far more than the love they know how to give.
Preeeeaaaaach K.O……thanks for using yourself as an example. You hit the nail on the head. We've actually gotten a couple of questions/comments in about abusive relationships….we'll probably be touching on that in the near future.
My recent post If You Really Love Me …You Wouldn’t Hurt Me
Well put. Been there, seen that!
PART 1: I completely understand that people express their love in different ways. And we can't always expect people to show love the same ways that we show love. You can't go around dismissing people because they're not doing it your way. I get that. But I'm glad you guys clarified that this is not an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Can we say that again? Like Aiyana says? LOL…THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR!
I really liked the last piece, sometimes we push people away because their not doing it our way and dismiss them as not being for you. I needed to hear that, it gave me something to think about!
I've struggled with this in my relationship. My lady has cheated on me several times. It's been hard to embrace the idea that her love is real since i'm the one that's being hurt. Sometimes i feel like i'm being taken for a ride.
I feel it…but im also going thru it and really have a hard time understanding what the next move is. Its not cheating ..its not lyeing…its not stepping up to the plate. The post helped me understand that 'he' may not have been taught how to love with passion so I cant ecpect him to love and take care of me like I want him to. His parents didnt so why should he.
Its a cop-out !! Thanks guys …got me thinking today !!
Hey Fontaine,
We'll probably tackle the whole cop-out piece in the future. Just because your parents didn't show you "the way" doesn't mean that as an adult you don't have a responsibility to find "the way". We all have to do our part in the relationship and a part of what he has to do is understand you.
My recent post If You Really Love Me …You Wouldn’t Hurt Me