6 Reasons Women Choose To Stay With A Cheater

By Felicia Vance

He cheated, but she doesn’t leave him. Yet, in relationships where the woman cheats, the relationship often ends in divorce. Why do some women choose to stay with their wandering mate?

Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, celebrities, politicians, even the hubby next door—they all do it. But the story’s the same: Husband cheats, gets caught. Wife grimaces, then bears it.

In fact, up to 75% of couples rocked by an affair stay together. Why don’t women get rid of their wandering mates?

1. Fear of being alone.

She’s been with him for years, building a life together and focusing on their combined futures. Thinking about letting all that go makes her queasy with fear of the unknown. She’s probably harried by concerns such as what her life will be like without him in it. Facing that uncertainty is often too scary of a prospect. She’d rather stick with the status quo because, as difficult as it might be, it’s a comfort zone.

2. Do it for the kids.

Although it sounds naive, staying with a man for the children makes sense to the woman in question. As a mother, she has people other than herself to consider, and she might hesitate at the idea of breaking up the family by leaving her boyfriend or husband.

3. Her finances take a hit.

It’s not a completely unfounded fear: A woman is likely to draw the short financial straw in a divorce. An ex-wife’s standard of living drops more than 25%, studies show. They’re also more likely to lose other essentials, such as health insurance and their homes. Emotions aside, not having money can cause a woman to stay. How is she going to leave and start a new life on her own if she has been depending on him for financial stability? This is an issue that could keep women, both gold diggers and non- gold diggers alike, in the relationship — even if they’re not in love with their partners anymore.

4. No one’s perfect.

A people live, age and grow together, they recognize that they have to give up the dreams of the perfect spouse. They know their mate eventually will disappoint them. But they still that people can get on the right path and think it’s possible their boyfriends will change their cheating ways and revert to how they were before the infidelity.

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An Opportunity To Tell Your Story Of Infidelity On O.W.N. (…and Help Heal Somebody)

By Aiyana Ma’at

How does it feel to tell your story? It can be a little scary. It is exciting. It brings hope and healing to your heart. It is definitely freeing. You have the opportunity to work with Ayize and I and allow us to help you pull the lessons from the drama and the trauma of infidelity….and oh, what an opportunity it is.

Are you interested in sharing your story for a project we’re working on with the Oprah Winfrey Network? We’re looking for couples who have experienced infidelity in their relationship or marriage and are open to sharing what happened in their relationship–the good, the bad, and the ugly. If infidelity ENDED your relationship… we are looking for you!  If you all are in the middle of dealing with infidelity..we are looking for you!  If yall have overcome infidelity… we are looking for you.  The most important thing we want to pull away are the lessons learned, insight gained, and personal growth experienced through the pain.

My husband and I will need to work with you to talk about the infidelity and where you are now versus where you were then–at the time of the infidelity. You can either still be together or divorced. If you and your ex are no longer together, you don’t necessarily have to talk to or see each other to do the show. Your story and the lessons learned are what’s most important. Selected couples will appear on a national television network along with my husband and I.

If you know of anyone who may be interested, please let us know and they or you can call us to discuss more and get details about things such as:

-How will the process work if the couple is no longer together or don’t get along that well?

-What about privacy and confidentiality of the 3rd party (the one(s) who the spouse was cheating with) ?

-What if there are concerns about children?

We know this is a sensitive issue and there will very likely be a lot of questions which we along with the producer can answer.

Ayize and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to work with major media to bring a transformative and healing light to the complex issue of infidelity.

At the end of the day all of life’s situations are here to grow us and help us learn a much needed lesson. Once we’ve learned the lesson we have a responsibility to teach what we know and the producer’s of this show are all about that so please let us know if you or any couples you know of may be interested.

You can call us directly at 202-599-0234 or email us at info@bintentional.com

This is an opportunity to tell your story and  use your life to help millions of others!


What’s The Right Age To Tell Your Child That The Reason For Divorce Is ….CHEATING?

VIDEO: In this video Ayize and Aiyana debate about what’s the “appropriate” age to tell your child that the reason for divorce is…..CHEATING. We also discuss what we believe to be the most appropriate way is to share such devastating information.  Although we both identify specific ages, the most important point is to consider the maturity of the child.  Infidelity is not only damaging to a marriage…but it’s also has the power to destroy a family.  Be careful, be mindful, and B Intentional.





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It Is Time To Tell Temptation To Flee

by Farraday Miller

Savory thoughts of Sunday dinner cloud my mind and if I sit still just long enough and close my eyes tight enough, I can smell sweet potato pie, collard greens and cornbread.  The table was filled with food and the kitchen looked like a smorgasbord.  It was like this every Sunday after church and people were all over the house eating, laughing, talking, visiting our family.  Despite what I told you last time, my parents went to church every Sunday without fail and most of the time at least 2 families came home with us.  Every lady wanted to be like my mother and sadly, almost all of them had been with my father.  My father was tall, dark and handsome and a charmer that would talk sales people into buying the product that they were selling to him.  He was smooth.  I see why they all wanted him but my mother was the lucky one who he chose to make his wife.

She called herself “green,” an expression I wasn’t quite familiar with at the time.  She explained that she believed every lie he told and didn’t ever question the inconsistencies.  She said that one day she saw of glimpses of him washing himself in the sink after dinner only to discover that one of his trips to the restroom was not alone.  She searched her mind and thought about everyone in attendance and didn’t see one time when someone else left the room with him.  She later found out that it was a late comer who never bothered to come all the way in and join the others.  They met at the door and headed to the guest bathroom downstairs.  The cheap perfume was the giveaway when she went to prayer meeting that following Wednesday.  The unholy hug that she was greeted with by her fellow church member was the final confirmation of who the other woman was.
My mother was never visibly upset by any rendezvous of this type, she always just went out for air.  At the time we didn’t speak of any problems.  In fact, I thought my life was perfect.  I guess in their own way they attempted to shield me from discomfort but all it did was provide me with a false sense of security that I now believe to be an injustice.  As I write, my intent is to ask parents to consider future ramifications.  I know that many choose, just like my parents, to smile for the sake of their children.  But the hard lesson that is learned beyond the smile is damaging to relationships.
I don’t have the solution to the issue of infidelity.  In the perfect world, couples would search their relationships and themselves for solid proof that they are absolutely ready for a commitment and really accept what that means.  Both people would be grounded in the knowledge and truth of God as the 3rd party in the relationship and recommit daily to the vows taken.  Even in the face of adversity and temptations, in the perfect world, couples would remain committed to the mantra – one man, one woman for one lifetime.  A defiled wedding bed is a spirit that too many of us acknowledge, welcome and encourage.  If ever we needed to provide a united front as as family, it is in the area of keeping the door, our hearts, arms and legs closed to this horrible offender.  I am taking a stand and abandoning you temptation.  You can’t live here anymore.  Get thee behind me!
Farraday Miller is a singer and songwriter who believes that one must be healed first before helping others.  The stories that she tells whether through song or written is her offering of peace.

Game Recognizes Game: I Trust You But NOT Him

VIDEO: Hello Brother and Sister Ma’at,

I have a question that has bee bothering me for several days now and I hope you can help me with it. I must preface this by saying that I am not usually a jealous boyfriend who gets upset every time my girlfriend has a male friend. Here goes:

The other night my girlfriend and I were out at a very nice party at a local night spot for an organization I am apart of.  While we were there we were mingling both together and at times on our own.  I noticed that there was another man constantly seeming to hover in her area so I made it my business at some point to make sure that I introduced myself to my loves new found “friend”.  The testosterone in me had to make sure he knew that she was mine and I could see in his eyes that he  was trying to “go in for the kill”. My girlfriend thinks that I am just being paranoid but I believe Brother Ayize will back me up when I say that every man knows when another man is trying to zero in on his woman.

After he was told that I was actually her boyfriend and that we live together he suddenly changed the conversation towards business and stated that he wanted to use my girlfriend on a project he was working on.  I didn’t know that guy from a can of paint but “game recognizesgame” so while I smiled as they exchanged business cards I was watching his eyes as he was eyeing my woman and smirking at me.

When we got home from the party I politely told my girlfriend that I’d prefer if she didn’t work with him, not because I don’t trust her but because I don’t trust him and there is no way in the world that a man flips from “booty mode” to “business mode” that quickly, in my mind at least.  My girlfriend was a little annoyed at my request because according to her I don’t have the right to tell her who she should or shouldn’t do business with.

Am I wrong for making that request? Like I said I love and trust my girlfriend but I am merely trying to protect her and prevent a potentially awkward situation for her as well as not have to knock him out in the future.

Thanks for your help?





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So, You’ve Been Betrayed…Seven Steps To Survive It

By Dr. Eileen Borris

You’ve met the person who makes you feel so special. It feels wonderful to be in love and now you are married hoping that this relationship will last your life time. Years have gone by and marriage has been good to you – so you thought. You begin to notice some different behaviors from you spouse which at first you ignore. For awhile you begin to wonder if something is going on but you brush it off. After all, the last thing you could ever imagine is that your spouse is having an affair. You don’t even want to go there. You begin to piece some things together and your spouse denies everything until the day comes when your spouse gets caught in all their lies.


For those of us who have experienced situations like this, we know that betrayal runs deep and can be devastating. Trust has been torn apart and the unthinkable has just happened. You life has just been thrown into a tail spin and probably your anxiety is making you feel sick. You may even want to get back at your spouse for the pain and humiliation you are now going though. Possibly the only thing you can think of is how to get even so your partner will hurt as much as you do. Is it possible to heal from the pain and humiliation of betrayal and adultery? Is it possible to forgive someone who has hurt you so badly?


Betrayal happens to everyone at some point in our lives. Betrayal can occur with a spouse, a family member, a best friend or a co-worker. Most people who experience betrayal saw the signs, but continue to give that person the benefit of the doubt. The reality is that people will fail you. Only 25% of all betrayal occurs with absolutely no forewarning. This is by far the most difficult type of betrayal because it leaves you shell shocked and devastated.


Betrayal is an interpersonal trauma which shatters assumptions about how we view life and the people close to us. Shattered assumptions leave us feeling as though our reality has been blow apart. When we are betrayed our feelings alternate between a sense of numbness and feelings of disbelief. We may also find ourselves behaving erratically and not like our usual selves. We feel victimized and our lives seem to be out of control.


So how do we heal from being betrayed? We begin by developing the skills to deal with strong negative emotions and to talk more effectively about the impact the betrayal had. This may require setting appropriate boundaries with each other, learning how to deal with emotions effectively and expressing how you feel about the infidelity. Next you look at both the current and the developmental issues within yourselves and within your relationship that may have contributed to the affair. Usually both parties have an idea as to why the affair may have happened but they are often unaware of the deeper or unacknowledged needs or motives from their partner’s past history which may be impacting on current behaviors. Gaining this new understanding often results in an increase in compassion for the partner and tolerance of his or her flaws. Finally, as a couple begins to understand why the affair happened, they need to evaluate the viability of their relationship, the potential for change, and their commitment to work together. This is when the process of forgiveness becomes the focus of intervention. No matter if you choose to stay or leave, because of other circumstances you may always be in some form of relationship. Therefore it is important to heal the emotional rift between yourselves as best you can. This is why forgiveness is so important. Let’s now look at how you can heal from being betrayed.


Step 1: Face Your Feelings


While every situation is unique there are certain things that we can do to lessen the pain. Once the betrayal is revealed an emotional roller coaster ride begins. You more than likely will get swept up in an emotional whirlwind of anger, fear and a sense of loss. Realize that you are not going crazy. Others have experienced the same pain and confusion and have survived. Remember that you are not alone. I want to assure you that what you are experiencing is a normal and an appropriate response to an acutely traumatizing experience. You’re reeling not only from the loss of the integrity of your relationship, but also from the loss of an illusion – that you’re special to your partner, and that the intimacy you thought you shared with that person would last forever. In the face of such shattering news, it would be strange if you didn’t feel lost. This may seem paradoxical but once we acknowledge and walk through our pain, only then does the pain begin to dissipate. This is where a counselor can really help. Talking to someone who listens to you and can be supportive in a healthy way can help you sort out what needs to happen.


Step 2: Gain control of you Emotions


As you try to unscramble what has happened to you, both your thoughts and actions may spin out of control. You’re likely to become more obsessive, dwelling on your partner’s lies, the details of the betrayal and the events that led to it. You may become more compulsive at work and other things you do, pushing harder and more frenetically to diffuse your anxiety. These distractions may serve as a temporary antidote to feelings of anxiety or emptiness, but if you want to put yourself back together, you need to slow down, confront your pain, figure out why the affair happened, and decide what you want to do about it. Instead of hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal. Look beneath your emotional reactions and ask yourself, what are my emotions really telling me? What needs to change and what can I do to take those necessary steps. You can not change what has happened to you but you do need to take responsibility for how you are handling the situation now.


Step 3: Ask yourself “Should I stay or Leave?”


Once the betrayal is out in the open, you will need to decide whether to work on rebuilding your relationship or end it. You will need to confront your ambivalence about whether to stay or leave the relationship. Which ever route you take, you need to chose it deliberately and not act on your feelings alone. Feelings, no matter how intense, are based on assumptions that are often highly subjective and may prove to be unrealistic, not useful or untrue. What feels right to you now you may later regret as an impulsive and unprocessed response that can’t be easily reversed. By exploring your options, you will be able to make a thoughtful decision based on your circumstances and needs. “What can I expect from love?” “Should I trust my feelings?” “How can I tell if my partner is right for me?” These are just some of the questions to be asking yourself. A counselor can help you sort out your answers.


Two of your options will take you down a dead end. The first option is to stay together and never address why the betrayal happened or work to assure that it will never happen again. This is a ticket to disaster, creating a larger gulf between you leading to a life of quiet desperation.


The second option is for you to stay together, with at least one of you continuing to be unfaithful, only to have the other continually fighting depression and building up enormous rage. Needless to say this is a very unhealthy option built on a lot of dysfunction and clearly indicating a lack of self-love. In all my experience as a therapist working with couples, I have never known a prolonged affair to do anything but undermine a couple’s efforts to seriously address the intimacy defects in their relationship.


This leaves only two viable alternatives. One is the decision to accept what has just happened and make a commitment to work on improving your relationship. The blind spot here is for the hurt partner to go in denial about the relationship because of an unwarranted attachment to the spouse that makes you want to stay together, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship is. What the betrayed person falls to see is how unloving your partner has been toward you, how poorly you continue to be treated, and how nothing you do will change this.


The other alternative is to say goodbye and begin building separate lives. The danger for the unfaithful partner is that you may be drawn blindly to your lover and insist on being with this person no matter what. We may call it romantic love but in actuality it is an intense but unwarranted attachment that the unfaithful partner may feel towards their new lover. Unfortunately this kind of attachment is likely to make the unfaithful partner leave their spouse no matter how satisfying your life had been together.


Step 4: Learn from the Affair


So often we blame our partner for what goes wrong and fail to see the link between our personal, lifelong conflicts and the conflicts in our relationship – between the damage we carry within ourselves and the damage we experience as a couple. In attempting to assign responsibility for the infidelity, hurt partners tend to think, “You were screwing around with someone else. Don’t blame me.” Unfaithful partners tend to think, “You weren’t there for me; you drove me away.” Both of you are likely to insist on your own, perhaps self-serving, certainly contradictory and often oversimplified versions of the same conflict.


Instead of blaming yourself for your partners’ betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize that the betrayal had little to do with you. On the flip side, if you’re stuck in a cycle of intense anger and blame towards your partner, you need to decide if you can start to let go and rebuild your relationship, or if it’s time to walk away and move on. To help you decide whether to stay or go, it is helpful to understand the origins of the betrayal. Most people who cheat and/or betray in some other way suffer from low self-esteem. They may have a high need for acceptance and approval. If your partner fits this description, you need to decide if you can deal with and heal from the betrayal or if you need to leave your partner in order to recover. Either way, it’s essential to stop taking the betrayal personally. Instead, free yourself from the blame game, live in the present, and move forward with productive, positive thoughts.


Step 5: Restore Trust


One of the most devastating aspects of betrayal is the break down of trust. Once trust is broken it can be very difficult to rebuild it and it must be earned back. To restore trust actions speak louder than words. Feeling safe becomes paramount here. If the person who has been betrayed can not feel safe, trust can not be built. The betrayer needs to demonstrate with concrete actions that “I’m committed to you. You are safe with me.” The person who has been hurt needs to open up to the possibility of trusting again and reinforce the efforts of the other person. You can’t punish nor be cold and distant forever, or our partner will give up trying to reconnect. You need to tell your partner what you need to give this person a way back into your life.


When I speak of trust I am not only referring to the belief that your partner will remain faithful to you. I am also talking about the trust essential to you both, that if you venture back into the relationship, your partner will address your grievances and not leave you regretting your decision to recommit.


While it’s easy to fall into the betrayal trap of massive mistrust towards your partner moving forward, be aware that projecting your fears will not help you heal. If you plan to stay with your partner, you’ll need to focus on rebuilding trust. If you can’t forgive, then don’t waste time staying in the relationship and trying to make your partner pay for their past transgressions. Instead, give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again. Start by learning to trust yourself and your life choices. Instead of focusing on your ex and the betrayal (not to mention past relationship disappointments that may be adding up to a mistrust in yourself right about now), think about all the amazing people in your life who you can trust, including yourself. Make a list of ten fantastic choices and decisions you’ve made in the last few years. Reflect on the people who have kept your confidences, honored their word, and stuck by your side. Soon, you’ll be slaying the beast of betrayal and going from victim to victor. Plus, by slowly and steadily rebuilding trust with your partner (or simply with yourself if you leave the relationship), you’re better able to let go of fear, doubt, and insecurity.


The process of restoring trust can take a lifetime, but this doesn’t mean you will have to struggle with trust issues on a daily basis. Your relationship is likely to feel fragile and tentative for several years after the affair is revealed, but during that time you can expect to experience many reassuring, joyous moments as well. Trust is delicate and can only be earned over time through commitment and continued effort. With trust comes the knowledge that “I can give myself to you knowing that you won’t harm me – that you’ll support me in what matters to me. I can open myself up to love you because I feel safe with you and valued by you.


Step 6: Find Forgiveness


Forgiveness is considered the highest form of love that we are capable of giving. If this is true it is no wonder that we have such a hard time forgiving someone who has betrayed us and even in forgiving ourselves. To aid us in learning how to forgive it is helpful to understand what forgiveness means and what it’s not. Forgiveness is a voluntary act in which you make a decision to see a situation differently. Forgiveness helps us change the way we think so instead of seeing a situation through the lens of anger, guilt or fear we see it through the eyes of compassion and understanding. Instead of getting stuck in your own emotional baggage you can now see the situation differently with greater wisdom and understanding. That’s forgiveness.


I like to think of forgiveness as the science of the heart, a discipline of discovering all the ways of being that will extend your love to the world and discarding all the ways that do not. It is the accomplishment of mastery over a wound. Forgiveness is a process through which an injured person first fights off, then embraces, then conquers a situation that has nearly destroyed him or her. On a deeper level forgiveness is about changing the way we think which includes embracing our humanity and spiritual nature and the humanity and spiritual nature of all human beings.


Forgiveness is not about pardoning. It is about our inner emotional release. Forgiveness is not condoning. We do not have to accept someone else’s behavior in order to forgive. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. We can forgive someone, but it does not mean we have to reconcile. On a very practical level forgiveness is about lessening your own emotional burdens and healing the pain of your heart. Forgiveness is not about letting someone off the hook. It is about your own inner healing.


It takes a generous spirit to understand that people do not always hurt us because they choose to. Oftentimes, they have no more control over their actions than we, their victims, do. Only from our wisdom and compassion can we recognize that when people harm us, it is their weaknesses that compel them to act. People who attack us act out of fear to protect themselves. Fear drives us into a hard shell. It shuts the door on our capacity to understand, empathize, and love, while allowing distrust and enmity to guard against being touched from the outside world. To compensate for this perception, we often harden ourselves so that others cannot gain access to our inner selves or discover our shortcomings.


Forgiveness is a process that happens over time. Before we can truly forgive, we need to realize that forgiveness is about our inner healing and not necessarily about behavioral change. Until we totally understand that we may needlessly deal with resistance about forgiving someone. We heal by remembering, by brining back into our awareness everything we have kept hidden from ourselves. It takes time to bring these pieces together. This process begins by telling our story and validating our feelings and experiences. Only after time and being in a safe environment can we allow ourselves to feel and express our strong emotions and to explore the issues concerning our pain and circumstances. As we become more aware and accepting of all our emotions as valid messengers about our interaction in the world, we begin our healing. If we are holding onto something, we need to recognize that, despite any other person’s role in creating the situation, we are responsible for what we do with our hurt. Forgiveness is about accepting responsibility for our emotional reactions to our hurt.


What may be harder than forgiving your partner is forgiving yourself. No matter if you are the one who has been hurt or you are the one who has hurt looking within yourself and dealing with the guilt of the past is no easy process. Yet, if we do not do this kind of soul searching and inner work our outer world may be superficial at best. If you have been betrayed you may be blaming yourself too harshly for your partner’s betrayal. You may have contributed to your partner’s dissatisfaction for example by getting buried in your career or in the needs of your children. When you take a look at these issues and take responsibility for them you will be able to let go of your guilt and move on.


If you are the betrayer, you are solely responsible for your deception and need to forgive yourself for the harm you have caused by violating your covenant of trust. You may also need to look at the hurt you have caused your children. By taking responsibility for your actions and making different choices you heal guilt and move forward. Remember that holding on to your guilt is a choice too. Self-forgiveness doesn’t relieve your of responsibility for your words or actions, but it releases you from self-contempt. With self-forgiveness, you bring compassion and understanding of who you are and why you acted the way you did, and reclaim what you most value in yourself.

Step 7: Hope and Renewal


Sometimes you need to take something apart to rebuild it in a stronger, more lasting way. Erik Erikson, a well known psychologist has said, “A crisis can be a turning point; by making you vulnerable it can heighten your potential for positive change. Sometimes it takes the threat of losing something to make you realize its value. Until you feel compelled to leave, you may not realize you are happy where you are and want to stay. Carl Jung, a famous psychoanalyst also commented, “Seldom or never does a marriage develop smoothly and without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.”


And so it is with intimate relationships. We often enter into them blindly swept up with passion and an idealized perception of who our partner is. Most of us are totally unprepared for what lies ahead, and ignorant of what is required of us to stay the course. We may think that we know what it takes but the truth is that most of us are clueless. The affair shocks us into reality. It also gives us the opportunity to try again.



Dr. Eileen Borris is an expert who works with individuals and couples to help heal the emotional pain associated with marriage and relationship problems, especially infidelity and betrayals. Contact her at erborris@cox.net.

What My Little Eyes Saw (Part 2)

By Farraday Miller

I was married only 2 years before depression set in.  Once the dust settled I felt trapped and missed the freedom that I had abused in my single life.  When I got married I tried to block the spares out of my mind although I never let go of them entirely.  My heart hurt at the thought of my being untrue to a good man while my body longed to be in the arms of another.  There were many sleepless nights and arguments that were only true on the surface because I couldn’t dare express anything that I was really feeling.  I was confused and living in a place where when I looked in the mirror, it was my mother and father who stared back at me.  The hate that I felt for them was entangled with the disgust that I felt for myself.  I was spinning around and each attempt I made to stop spinning only made matters worse.

The day I left my house on my mission to “figure it all out” was the day I saw my father drive away with all of his things in the back of his car.  I found my mother in the family room sitting in her favorite chair by the window watching him drive off.  Her makeup was running down her face and she was crying uncontrollably.  I hugged her and she just collapsed in my arms.  In that moment I knew her hurt. I understood the source of her tears because I unsuccessfully fought back my own.  I had never cried like that before.  It was rock bottom for both of us although she didn’t know how intimately I shared her pain.  She explained that they were taking some time to “figure things out” and I saw how diabolical my world had become.  I was living in the sins of my parents and could not escape it’s grip.  I had no where to turn.
I struggled for years with the desire to live a better life but not knowing how to overcome what my little eyes saw.  Each time I tried to end the affair that I was in, somehow, someway I found myself sinking back into a relationship that would only lead to certain despair.  No one knew about any of this except us and I this was not something I felt that I could share with my mother even though she would understand.  I didn’t want to relive the moment when my father drove away yet I feared in my heart that it would come.  My husband was no fool, just a man who loved and trusted his wife and it was never my intent to dishonor his love.  Truth be told it was years before I felt worthy of the pure love that he offered and didn’t understand what he saw in me.  The love that he showed me made me feel safe and gave me an outlet to begin to peal the layers back.  Since I had seen where deceit leads I decided to try doses of honesty and that was scary as hell.
I thought about my vows and how I pledged to love, honor and respect my husband.  I reconciled the fact that there was something, some reason that kept me from jumping all the way in with the other guy so I held on to that.  I said to myself daily “love led me to a peaceful place and I am grateful.  I know real love.”  I talked, my husband listened.  We cried, We had many sleepless nights.  He prayed.  My husband is a man of faith and believed that he married his soul mate and wasn’t giving up on me because of my baggage.  We had a rule in this process and that was to be totally honest about our feelings regardless of how we thought the other person would react.  We entered into our own private couple’s therapy where we aired everything that was relevant to our relationship success.  The details of my parents relationship was theirs to tell but I did share a lot of what my little eyes saw.  I explained that I learned how to operate in multiple relationships at the same time without truly giving myself to one man.  His acceptance of me and all my imperfections unlocked a door in my heart that I didn’t know existed.  I admit that I have waited for the other shoe to drop but after 20 years of marriage, he has never wavered from his pledge to love me unconditionally.
I think this issue is more common than we talk about but I can’t say that the outcome is always the same.  My parents are no longer together and I have learned to leave my past in the past.  After years of self therapy, we went to counseling and our therapist explained that my relationship with the other gentleman ended the day I became someone’s wife.  I made a clear choice and left-over emotion does not get to dictate how I will live my life.  She applauded the fact that my husband is a man of faith because as she explained that is the only thing that will see us through all of this.  I pray for my parents because I understand that there were many factors and things I will never know that led to the demise of their relationship but the one thing I have to acknowledge is that my little eyes saw two parents who loved me despite their faults.  So now when I look in the mirror, I see a jewel who survived a storm and the twinkle in my eye is the reflection of the love I share with my husband.
CLICK HERE to read Part 1
A singer and songwriter who believes that one must be healed first before helping others.  The stories that she tells whether through song or written is her offering of peace.

You Have No Valid Reason To Cheat (Part 2)

By Ilex Bien-Aime

Men, like women, cheat for a variety of reasons. Though sex is a large factor in male infidelity, it’s usually bigger than just the physical act. Like women, men love to feel desired. A woman wants to be told that she is beautiful but a man wants you to show him that you find him sexy.

Many women are quick to point out the fact that men are dogs and assume that men cheat because of sex and nothing but sex yet research proves otherwise. One reason for it, according to an article I read on Huffington Post.Com, is that women lose focus on the relationship once children come into the picture. In addition, (although it may not seem like men care), they often step outside of their marriage because their emotional needs are not being met. One of the biggest reasons that a man cheats on his wife is because his mate can sometimes be overly critical of him.

Just as we did not dismiss the woman’s perspective in this equation (No Valid Reason To Cheat Part 1), we cannot dismiss the male side. Women you must take responsibility for some of this. Now truth be told, men cannot physically carry children and cannot physically bring children into the world. We will never truly know the bond between mother and child. I definitely think that men should have a little understanding as far as this is concerned at the same time women must find a way to better balance between the child and her man. I had a friend once tell me that if she had to choose between her child and husband, she would choose her child – this should not be. Re-read your vows and you will see that you vowed to forsake all others for him. Your child is no exception to that rule. No one is asking you to forsake the child either because it is his child also. We just want our quality time.

Ladies, please understand that your husband needs you emotionally more than he shows it. He does not do a lot of talking or crying but the weight of the world is forever on his shoulders. Often times as a man, he feels disrespected at work but he stays the course because his family comes first. He is never truly comfortable because he knows that if something goes wrong within his house, people will blame him. When he feels that he cannot count on you to be there for him, he will seek to find these traits that you once showed him, possibly in the arms of another woman.

Many men feel that their wives are overly critical and as Prince says, “maybe you’re just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.” Often times he feels as if he cannot do right by you. In some ways you knew who he was when you married him and yet you still went ahead with it. Now you are angry because he has not become what you wanted him to be. My wife always says, “men want a woman who will not change and women want a man who will.” Though men should look to improve themselves, it is just as unrealistic for him to change as it is for you not to change. Your man sometimes sees you coveting what others have and though he works his fingers to the bone, you still want more. Because you can’t have some of the fancy things other people have you start talking to him and treating him disrespectfully. He then will start looking to get respect from other women because the odds are somebody out there is willing to take him with the little bit he has. But make no mistakes about it fellas, any new woman will more than likely become what your wife was. She thinks you are great now but she does not sleep with you every night.

It is not a news flash that men love sex. You know the research – men think about sex several times a day. When we finish getting it, we start thinking about when we are going to get it again. But a very valuable point that women miss is that sex is more than just physical for us. When your woman can’t keep her hands off you, it makes you feel as if she thinks you are the sexiest man on Earth. She needs words of affirmation but the man needs her to show it with her actions. Most men know that they can have sex with their wives however, no man wants to feel as if you are doing it out of obligation. To us it’s like you are saying, “ok I will do it today and maybe he won’t ask again for a couple of days”. Ladies you have to remember that in many cases you did change. When you were first dating, you used to do it anywhere and any place – now he feels that he has to make an appointment.

I do not claim to be a marriage counselor and I am trying to find my way in my own marriage. I know for a fact that marriage is hard. Men are definitely from Mars and women are definitely from Venus. Like all couples my wife and I argue and have our own issues. With that being said, I stay true to my vows. They say “for better or for worse” and “till death do us part” as well as “forsaking all others”. I don’t have kids so I can’t speak about the emotional disconnect that comes from that. What I will tell you is that, if you cannot solve that issue yourself, you need to find professional help. When your wife is not being supportive or if she is being overly critical, you need to call her on it. If you can’t figure it out, you need to seek help.

One thing that I do know about women is that they will give you extra loving, if you give them extra attention and care. With that being said, ladies, you have to be willing to step your game up as well. Just as initiating sex does not come naturally to you, holding hands and cuddling does not come naturally to us. Both sides have to make a true effort in this regard.

Lastly, men and women have to learn to be more mature when it comes to marriage. You are not always going to get exactly what you want when you want it. Relationships are hard work. They do not come without challenges and we have to learn to adjust accordingly. Fellas, a woman that you just met will listen to you and she will tell you all of the things that you want to hear. She only knows you for a couple of hours. Trust me, when she really gets to know you, she will probably try to change you also. Under NO circumstance is cheating the way to go. If you air your grievances and you seek counseling and it still can’t be resolved, TRY HARDER! Odds are, the first step that needs to be taken to resolve the issue is that you need to evaluate yourself and change your own ways. There is never a side that is 100%. No matter the issue, when it is all said and done, you have no valid reason to cheat!

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

You Have NO Valid Reason To Cheat (Part 1)

By Ilex Bien-Aime

I often wonder, why do people get into serious relationships and or marriages if they know that they are going to stray? Athletes, actors, presidents, senators, preachers, and just plain old blue collar men and women cheat. There are so many reasons and excuses for why people cheat. But whether your situation has a compelling argument or not is irrelevant – you took a vow in front of family, friends, and most importantly, God! If you aren’t married, nothing is keeping you in that relationship. Why don’t you leave?! Cheating should not be an option – Cheating is NOT an option.

Ladies, we will start with why you say that you cheat. In reading several articles and blogs, one of the main reasons that a woman cheats is because she is seeking revenge. Another reason given is that she wants to know that she still has “it” ( sex appeal). She also cheats because she wants to feel a connection. Others cheat because of sexual boredom, while some cheat because they want to leave the relationship. They just do not want to verbally express this.

Men, please understand that you play at least some part in your woman going astray. Do you think it is ok to go running around and think that she will welcome you home with open arms? This reminds me of an old Johnny Taylor song that says, “who’s making love to your ole lady, while you’re out making love.”

Fellas, we generally know what it takes to capture a woman’s heart and yet we act like we don’t know what she wants when we get her. While courting her, we used to take her out and buy her nice little gifts. We used to tell her how beautiful she was and we made her feel like a queen. Now we treat her like an old pair of Air Force Ones. She’s lost that new shoe smell so now it’s time to get a new pair.

Remember when we used to talk to our woman for hours. It seemed like we could talk about anything. It was refreshing and fun. Now we really can’t string three sentences together. Once, “you hang up” – “no, you hang up” has now become, “dang I wish that she would shut up!” Now, the only way you try to connect is in the bedroom.

At some point men, we have to take our own actions into account. With that being said ladies, this in no way makes you less (or not) guilty of your infractions. You can’t teach a man a lesson by sleeping with another man. If he is the man that you want to keep, you just lost him with your betrayal. Even if he cheated on you 80 times, if you cheat on a man once, your relationship is pretty much over.

Just as men have to take some responsibility for the situation, ladies you have a role also. When you are trying to impress a man, you go all out. Not too many Hanes cottons are seen on your body when he is around. To get him, you used to show him those Frederick’s of Hollywood outfits and now it’s “bloomer time”. Yes, we all gain weight over time and a man does not have children so he does not know what it feels like to have baby weight but ladies, you can’t stop trying to impress your man. He should love you for you but remember also that your sexy body played some role in that. He at least needs to see that you are trying.

As far as having a connection and boredom are concerned, I caution women that you are playing a very dangerous game. Most men are alike – we know how to reel you in – we just forget about what to do with you once you’ve been “caught”. Your mate used to listen to you too, remember? You once had a connection with him, or so you thought. Now this dude, who has no ties to you, comes around and listens to your problems and goes away seeming like the guy of your dreams. Well of course he does because he walks away from the conversation with nothing really invested. He gets all the frills from you and there is no established drama or situations for him to reference. I guarantee that more times than not, he ends up a lot like your old guy.

Sex is another story all together. Let’s face it, men are one trick ponies in this area. We will continue to do the things that we saw on the latest porn. We developed a trusty move years before we met you and because no one ever said anything otherwise, we continue with that. You once liked the sex and now because it has not evolved, you seek it elsewhere. Part of the blame goes to you ladies. You have to know how to properly get your man to do what you want him to do. When a woman asks right, a man is willing to do just about anything. He wants to please you because he knows that if he does, he will be pleased in return. But what you seek does not come natural to him. With men it only takes a few pumps to get to the promised land but for you it’s different. The new guy will excite you for awhile but trust me, unless he is that rare Deuce Bigalow, he too will become stale!

CLICK HERE to read Part 2

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

What My Little Eyes Saw (Part 1)

By Farraday Miller

Telling you this story is like taking a shower and washing my hair.  I want to erase all the toxins, the dirt, the oils, the sweat and all impurities that have taken up residence in my temple.  The secrets that I carry with me are not my own.  But ones I’ve had to keep because they were imposed by the choices of others.  It would be years before I realized that everything I grew up in was a lie and everything that I was taught was rooted in wrong.  I was forced to see people who I once held in high regard differently because their sins were surfacing and shattering my innocent thoughts of childhood purity. I was arrested by the image in the mirror and was ashamed at what I saw.  There were too many partners to count and when I came to realize exactly what the word adultery meant, it was too late.  I, just like both my parents before me, had already jumped into the lake of temptation and replaced all the right that we had been taught with our selfish need to satisfy our forbidden desire.  It would be years before I recognized that what my little eyes saw caused me to be broken and led me to an unimaginable place of despair.

In relationships I had what I called “spares.”  Yes, just like the tires.  I kept them for backup, in the event something happened to the main tire.  It’s embarrassing to admit today but when I look at it now, it’s like I never intended to really invest.  I used sex and relationships as an escape but the irony in that is that I ran to what I ran from.  My parents was a part of that 10 percent.  Both were established business professionals with a great deal of notoriety.  We lived in an immaculate home and my siblings and I wanted for nothing.  We were envied by everyone because we always had the best of everything.  But inside our home was the strangest emptiness ever imagined.  It was a distant pleasantness that I know now to be a nonchalant unconcern.  Their relationship was over but they did what so many couples do, they existed under one roof while leading separate lives.  I didn’t know this at the time but they each vowed to stay while both secretly had lovers.
While my father remained attentive to our needs by providing everything imaginable that we could ask for, my mother seemed to be consistently distracted.  Her fog would happen after phone calls or visits away from home and would escalate to agitation when we asked the simplest question.  My life continued this way for 15 years, knowing that there was something wrong but not having a clue as to what it was.  The stares and the whispers became apparent as I got older and there were certain circles that we were a part of that just felt like freezers because the atmosphere was so cold.  When I put the pieces together in my early twenties I felt ill to know that we socialized and played with the kids of the men and women my parents had affairs with.  Evidently, that was the definition of “family friend.”
It was hard for me to understand my true feelings in relationships but I think that I loved one of my “spares.”  Although our relationship was true to form with all the ups and downs and unnecessary emotions that my parents had inflicted on to me, I think I came to love him or at least the thought of him.  See that’s the problem with what my little eyes saw.  I couldn’t distinguish what was real and what was make believe.  I wanted to be with him but not all the time but I didn’t want him to be with anyone else but I wasn’t quite ready for a commitment relationship but when he decided to marry someone else I stopped the wedding – it was just a mess.  I was just a mess.  I remember meeting and discussing the status of our relationship after he finally got married to someone else and emphatically saying that we could not be friends while driving to the hotel where we we spent the night just days after he said “I do” to someone else.  He told me it was a mistake and all the excitement and emotion encouraged me to accept him as he was because after all my parents had done it so it must not have been so bad.  For years we remained in constant contact, enduring both our marriages to other people and the birth of children.  We celebrated with one another and kept the torch burning strong until one day when it all came crashing down for everyone.
Farraday Miller is a singer and songwriter who believes that one must be healed first before helping others.  The stories that she tells whether through song or written is her offering of peace.