I heard two ladies talking at the beauty salon about a seriously complicated issue. It turns out that another friend of theirs had lost someone special to her. I was not intentionally listening but their voices rose to the high volume that was necessary under the dryer and everybody there heard the story. It made me think about how I would handle this same situation. The story went something like this:
“Yes, I remember “her guy” and how much they loved one another. He lost his fight with cancer and she was understandably in a bad place. They were in sync. It was as if he sensed when she was down and needed him. Remember all those “just thinking about you” texts? That was so sweet! I felt like he really got her. They had that “it” thing that everyone wants in relationships and so much history. They were like that couple on tv that you want to hear about. But something kept them from totally committing. You are right, turns out after all the trips, dinner dates, nights on the town and quality time spent, he was married with kids. Are you serious?”
It was right about there that I drifted into my own series of “what if this had been my friend.” I would like to think that I could remain sensitive but as a married woman I wondered how I would comfort her. Quite honestly, I was offended. I know we share each other’s secrets but I would not want to be a part of this type of deception. I searched for the logic in understanding the need to lie to me thinking maybe a twisted attempt to protect me. That would satisfy her heart’s intent towards me but I don’t think protection quite describes how I might feel. I am sure that his rationale was typical with the notion that things at home were not good and that he was there only for the kids but that does not make infidelity acceptable.
This is a mess whether imagined or real. It just made me think about my circle of friends and how well I know them. Yet still today their is a deeper issue of how to comfort someone in the midst of loss despite the fact that I am conflicted. I love strong and realize that when people have a myriad of empty places in their lives to fill, they truly need friendships. This is one of those situations that would cause anyone to do some soul-searching to understand what this friend means in our lives.
I’m sure we all reach that point although it may not always be for such a drastic reason. In friendships, just like any relationships, there are ups and downs and in the end we must decide if the people in our lives are worth the fight. I haven’t always done everything right so it would be great to understand that I am a keeper. My friends sure are. This is an issue of accountability. We each deserve the best and should remind each other of that daily.
Lana Moline is an integral part of the Blackloveandmarriage.com writing team, freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her atLana Moline Speaks.
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VIDEO: Last week we posted a video questioning, criticizing, and challenging women who have chosen to go after married men. In this video we focus on what it is that the mistress is doing—that the wife is not—that makes it easy for a man to turn his head in the first place. Exactly what is it that wives are not doing? If we be real about it….every relationship has challenges. But what is it that provokes a man to step outside of the relationship when confronted with those challenges? Is there something that wives can do differently to reduce this possibility? You’re about to find out as relationship coach & marriage educator, Ayize Ma’at, breaks it down for us. Listen in and assess where you fall. Are you leaving your relationship vulnerable?
This video post was inspired by an article from Sheeri Mitchell over at www.walkingfaithfully.com. Sheeri writes from a Christian perspective and says there are some valuable lessons wives could learn from “The Other Woman” when it comes to taking care of our husbands. Here’s her full list of what successful mistresses do that wives won’t. Shout out to our Youtube viewer ChiDirtySouthGul for sharing the article that inspired this video! Thanks sis!
Mistresses Initiate Sexual Contact
Yes, the man is the pursuer. When a wife pursues her husband sexually, however, it proves to him that she finds him attractive and desirable. It seems husbands enjoy being found attractive and desirable at least as much as their wives do.
Mistresses Are Nice
It sounds corny, but a little kindness goes a long way. Big and tough they may be, men appreciate kind words and consideration. The more brutalized a man is out in the world, the more necessary it is for him to be treated with dignity at home. Terms of endearment, such as “Honey” or “Sweetie,” a pleasant tone of voice, or basic manners – saying “Please” and “Thank you” affirm a person’s humanity.
Mistresses Show Interest In A Man’s Hobbies
Many extramarital affairs begin harmlessly enough over shared hobbies. While on his daily run, he bumps into her on the track. An avid reader, he joins a book club, where she happens to be a member.
If your husband enjoys football, try taking time to learn the game. If he fishes, subscribe to a fishing magazine and commit to reading an article or two a week. Investing in his hobbies can provide more common ground and an opportunity to grow closer.
Mistresses Seek Out A Man’s Opinion
Is there an area your husband knows a lot about? Solicit his opinion and listen to what he has to say. I have a friend who follows local politics very closely. His wife consistently asks him to explain his position on various issues. She is very smart and has her own opinions, yet makes a point to ask her husband anyway because she is genuinely interested in his perspective.
Mistresses Feed “Their” Men
In many households, microwave meals are the order of the day for husband and wife alike. If this is true for you and your guy, make hubby something nice once in a while. If you don’t cook, make him a sandwich, or buy him his favorite dish and bring it home to surprise him. The content may not be as important as the gesture.
Mistresses Affirm Men
At a marriage retreat I attended a few years back, the main speaker encouraged wives give out what she called “Attaboys” on a regular basis (as in “Attaboy Mykel! You took out the trash!). Every husband in the room applauded his approval. Giving a man accolades for a job well done, or a simple task he did on your behalf, shows him that you appreciate his efforts. Accolades encourage repeat behavior. Repeat behavior makes for welcome habits. Everybody wins.
Mistresses Know When To Shut Up
Giving your husband quiet time – especially at the end of a busy day allows him (and you) to decompress. During the course of your relationship, establish together how much is a reasonable amount of time for him (and you) to recharge. Do your best to respect that time.
Resist complaining to him about things he can do nothing about. Not everything you think as a woman needs to be said out loud to your husband. Do the bulk of your complaining to God. He knows, understands, and is able to affect change when your husband doesn’t, won’t , or can’t. If you need to vent to or unload upon another human being, call or meet with a trusted girlfriend, and give your man’s ears a break.
Mistresses Wear Sexy Undies
Yes, granny panties are extremely comfy – but your husband does not want to sleep with his nana. Invest in one or two sexy outfits and make a point to wear them to bed periodically.
Mistresses Know What’s Going On At Work
I am always surprised by how many wives have no idea what their husbands face professionally. For better or for worse, many men define themselves according to what they do for a living. Wives should know how that part of their man’s life is progressing, if for no other reason than to intercede effectively on his behalf.
Mistresses (Sometimes) Buy Gifts
A token gift, a handwritten note, or even a phone call says, “I’m thinking about you.” Who doesn’t like to “hear” that?
Mistresses (Occasionally) Pick Up The Check
It is more than okay to take your husband on a date from time to time and pay for everything. If you’re like most couples, the money comes from a joint account anyway. The gesture, however, is no less sweet. If you pay from your own account or allowance, then so much the better.
Mistresses Ask For And Give Oral Sex
For many Christians oral sex is strictly taboo. There are as many biblically-based opinions on the matter as there are Christians. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, consider reading Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by noted Christian author, Dr. Kevin Leman. Well researched and humorously candid, I found it pleasantly surprising.
Mistresses Invest In Their Appearance
Between carpooling, grocery shopping, washing clothes, and wiping noses and/or butts, who has time for a shower, let alone a spa day? As a mother of four, ages 4 through 12, a writer, an editor, a volunteer, and a student, I know first hand how hard it can be to glam it up. Sometimes simply putting on a nicer pair of earrings (or any at all), choosing the t-shirt with fewer permanent stains, or painting on clear gloss, constitutes my investment for the day. The point is to put on something, or to do something for yourself that makes you feel more feminine, more beautiful, more confident. Baby steps in the right direction still get you there. Give yourself lots of grace as you go.
Mistresses Say Yes To Sex More Often
I’m shaking my head because as I write this blog, my husband snoozes soundly in our bed – alone. I know what it is like to be too tired, too angry, too apathetic, too cranky, or too busy for sex. But consider this: Your husband is your first ministry. To him, your “no” is a rejection. Persistent rejection can lead to his losing interest in asking you for sex altogether (Why should he bother if you’re just going to say “no” anyway?). A loss of interest in you can lead to his turning to someone else for validation. Not a pronouncement – just something to consider.
Allright B Intentional family. I think this list hits the mark to the “T”. What do you think? Leave a comment or submit a video response letting me know what you think and of course, Keep It Real.
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Have you ever wondered what makes cheating spouses cheat in the first place? They certainly didn’t get married with the intention of being unfaithful to their spouse, so why did they do it?
Many “infidelity experts” on the internet these days are offering solutions on how to find PROOF that will expose your spouse or catch them “in the act”. But instead of putting 100% of your effort in finding solid proof, your energy would be better spent understanding what went wrong in your marriage.
It’s fairly common for “chronic” cheating spouses to give up on a relationship the moment things start to become a little difficult.
Rather than admitting and accepting that there’s a problem in their marriage, they look for someone else to fulfill their needs. These “needs” could be anything from a physical connection to strictly intellectual relations leading to an emotional affair.
Affairs take place because one spouse’s needs are no longer being met by their partner. Cheating spouses are then drawn to someone else who WILL (temporarily) meet those needs.
What increases the chance of an affair taking place is when a man marries a woman who idealizes love and spends her whole life going in and out of marriages in search of her “perfect soul mate”.
Soul mates may exist in romance movies but in real life, it takes work to create a lasting relationship.
Like it or not, marriage is WORK…but it doesn’t have to be “hard” work.
If you want win your spouse over after an affair, you need to know how to meet his/her needs.
Every couple goes into marriage with expectations of each other that are NEVER CLEARLY DISCUSSED simply because they don’t REALLY understand, nor can they clearly explain what their own expectations are…let alone their spouses!
Cheating spouses cheat because they’re in search of unmet, yet unspoken deep emotional needs. It’s as simple as this…..
If YOU aren’t meeting your spouse’s needs, they will find SOMEONE ELSE who WILL!
This fact is also one of the reasons why most affairs don’t last. Let me explain…
When your spouse met this other man/woman, they THOUGHT that this other person was meeting their needs, but what was really happening is they were blinded by the “Romance” stage of a relationship.
You and your spouse went through this stage also. If you think back to the beginning of your relationship, you may not have noticed at the time, but the two of you were on your BEST behavior.
Looking back, it might even seem like your spouse was a different person back then.
The reason?
There is actually a chemical released in your brain that makes you feel “infatuated” with this other person. It would even be safe to say that cheating spouses can’t think straight when they’re caught up in this “biological phenomenon”.
This is also why some couples make irrational decisions early in their relationship, like going off to Las Vegas and getting married on a whim. Down the road, after the Romance stage of their relationship is over, many of these couples eventually get divorced.
So if you’re worried that your cheating spouse is “in love” with this other person, chances are, the affair is VERY short lived…which means you STILL have a chance to win over your spouse!
You owe it to yourself (and your children if you have them) to give your marriage a second chance. In fact, here’s a statistic that might give you some inspiration….
A study from the Institute for American Values found that “almost eight out of 10 couples who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.”
If you can just get over this affair, this obstacle in your marriage, and start meeting each other’s needs, I promise you, your marriage will be much stronger and more fulfilling than it was…even BEFORE the affair took place.
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VIDEO: Recovering from an affair can be a long and emotionally draining process. One of the most difficult barriers holding the one who’s been cheated on back from healing is their thoughts. If we can control our thinking we can help ease the transition from brokenness to wholeness and move beyond our hurt and pain to a place of peace & ultimately forgiveness.
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Video: Hello I am writing because I am currently in a relationship for 18 months now. We love each other very much, however I found out last month that my man cheated on me for 3 months. Finding this out tore my heart apart but our relationship is to important to both of us to just give it up. He has stopped seeing the other woman and we are trying to repair the broken pieces of the aftermath. He says that he was afraid that I was going to leave him because I would threaten him. I asked him how come he just didn’t talk to me about his feelings, he said he just couldn’t. We have suffered from outside interferances and lack of privacy in our relationship. We have three kids so we don’t get the chance to get away and have fun anymore. We were supposed to be getting married this year and now we realize that we need to work on some things. My question is how to we rebuild trust and intimacy in our relationship? I want us to go to the next level but we both are not sure how to do that on our own. We want to save our relationship not just for ourselves but for our children as well. What can we do?
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Earth- composed of 70% water and 30% land. It is also made up of various elements like 32% iron, 30% oxygen, 15% silicon, 14% magnesium, 3% sulfur, 2% nickel, and then much smaller piles of calcium, aluminum, and other trace elements. It is also inhabited by “Homo sapiens”… beautiful Homo sapiens… young, vibrant and sexy female Homo sapiens.
You can see a bunch of them on the mountains, on the beach, rural and urban areas. Earth is a veritable playground for frisky male Homo sapiens. And in one little island called Manhattan, a confused and frustrated female wants her male to stop looking at other female species. This female says that she loves his hair, his clothes, his wit and his sense of humor but she loathes his habit of ogling at other women.
Yes, her boyfriend is one of those men who can never stop looking at other women. She tried several times to confront him, but she was having doubts that she might be making a mountain out of a mole hill. Until one fateful night, at a fancy restaurant, after eating fancy foods, her boyfriend was doing it again- “looking at other ladies!” At that moment, she felt bombarded by the earth itself, so she decided to finally confront him about the issue.
But much to her surprise, her ogling partner thought that it was silly of her to be concerned about “NOTHING”. He said “There is no harm in appreciating beauty. I look, but I don’t touch, and I don’t remember! This is who I am. Don’t try to change me!” Her boyfriend’s answer made her more confused and hurt.
Does this mean that she would just take this all in and accept her boyfriend’s habit of looking at other women? To what extent should we compromise our feelings? Is men’s habit of being unable to stop looking at other women part of their genetic code, like farting? Can’t they help it? When your partner stares at other women, how do feel? Do you feel insulted? Not good enough? Embarrassed? Unattractive? Insecure? What if we try creating inner defenses for these unhealthy beliefs about ourselves? Defenses like believing and internalizing that we are unique and beautiful in our own right! Don’t you think we, women sometimes give our partners too much power that we allow them to define what we feel and think about ourselves? You should learn to define the line- if you think that there is emotional cheating that comes with staring at other girls; then it’s time to consider it as a serious matter.
There are things that we cannot control- like our partner’s habits, but we can always control our reactions and make ourselves rise to the occasion.
The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a Relationship and Dating Expert. Conquer Infidelity and Experience a Happier Love Life through her website at www.relazine.com
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Snooping is probably one of the biggest mistakes one can make in a relationship. Most of us are guilty of it, although some would rather die than admit it. At one point or another, most people resort to digging through a partner’s personal effects, trying to find proof because of suspicions. Sure, you might unearth a 10 year-old innocent love letter to build your case on, but it won’t be the cause of conflict in your relationship—your snooping will, for sure. The evidence that you found will hardly matter, because the real crime is your snooping, which could harm and even break your partner’s trust.
Is snooping normal? Probably, because most of us are curious about our loved ones. The desire to be absolutely sure that we can really trust the person who holds our heart is normal. If our partner is not being honest or faithful, we worry that we will end up with a broken heart. Often the process of invading a loved one’s privacy is caused by a nagging curiosity and a belief so great that one simply can’t help but snoop. In order to prove that one’s intuitions are correct, he/she might go through a partner’s private papers, desk and private drawers; checking through phone call lists, breaking into his/her email and viewing one’s online activities are also common.
Rummaging through a lover’s personal belongings can automatically flip a mental switch in one’s head, and searching for an artefact that can be used as evidence that the other person has been actually deceptive becomes a goal. If one finds a proof, no matter how innocent, it can still be turned into something major. And, it’s not surprising if you find something you don’t like, because that’s what you have been looking for in the first place. Do you actually think that digging out your partner’s private life will help your relationship? Actually, no. It will only cause harm, and don’t be shocked if your significant other is completely irritated with your snooping.
If you thought that unveiling his/her “sins” would make your lover to break down, beg forgiveness and reaffirm his/her love for you, then you’re in for a shocker. Things rarely usually turn out this way; instead of being more open with you, your partner will only retreat into more isolation. So whose fault is it if you can’t go inside your partner’s emotional doors? There are no locked doors in a healthy and loving relationship. There are no hidden secrets from one another, and no cause for future snooping. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have a personal life; it simply means that neither is hiding things nor keeping secrets in purpose.
As a result, trust can flourish up to the point that the other person will have no room for doubts and no desire to snoop. However, one doesn’t need intuition to figure out if a partner is up to something. There are a lot of telltale signs of dishonesty that are easy to spot. If you have reasons that urge you to snoop, discuss them with your partner. Every person deserves the benefit of the doubt anyway.
The author of this article Ruth Purple is a Relationships Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years.
Ruth recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.relazine.com.
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I find this dilemma rather common for younger couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings.
This person has found a “significant other” who has stirred those dormant feelings and this person once again “feels in love.”
They are determined not to “settle” for a less than an ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this kind of affair.
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels, soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how it’s supposed to be. “Falling in love” is the norm – the implication being, that if it doesn’t happen, or if it goes away, something is wrong – with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find “that loving feeling” (reminds me of a song…) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and conflict. He/she is often married to a “good” person and the desire to “find that loving feeling” seems selfish (which it is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement. Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models, of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example, “falling out of love” usually happens when the attractors become the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity, which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility. Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become control.
5. The person “looking for love” is actually looking for the ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world. Being “in love” is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship or at least move it to the point where the attractors become, again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails, etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a “lull” in the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children, starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word. People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a family systems perspective, but I won’t get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship, make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries, with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
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VIDEO: What do you do if you find out that the one you love has been cheating with his family’s help? Does the family’s involvement make it any worse? Stay or stick around? Listen in to the Ma’at’s thoughts on this issue and don’t forget to leave a comment and let us know what you think.
QUESTION: Is cheating an automatic deal breaker for you? Yes or No and tell us why.
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On a Monday evening SXSWpanel—my last official to-do in Austin—Andrea Miller, founder and CEO of YourTango.com hoped to discuss the effects of technology on romantic relationships.
The conversation, aptly titled “The Algorithm Method: Love In The Social Media Age,” featured Buddy Media CEO Mike Lazerow, Tom Miller, YourTango’s general manager (and Andrea’s brother), Elizabeth Bernstein, relationships columnistfor WSJ and Helen Fisher, Ph.D., biological anthropologist and chief scientific advisor for online dating sites MatchandChemistry. It opened with a video montage that featured montages of recent tech-enabled sex scandals like Tiger Woods and Anthony Weiner and set an immediate tone: technology is ruining our relationships. We’ve become a society of e-cheaters, and the epidemic is only getting worse.
An easily-understandable premise, but one that Fisher immediately shot down. “There is simply no evidence to prove that technology and social media are causing more cheating,” she said. “There are very clear indicators of cheating within the architecture of the brain, and the human brain has not changed in over 2,000 years. If you’re a cheater, you’re going to cheat. If you don’t meet your ex girlfriend from high school through Facebook and sleep with her, you’re certainly going to find someone else.”
But while there’s no scientific evidence, her panel-mates protested, there’s certainly something to be said for the expanded pool of fishes or the easy access to secret lovers that the web affords. If nothing else, they agreed, technology and social media has certainly made it easier to get caught. After all, look at the recent cases where high-profile men have reached out and touched someone online and saw their personal and professional lives destroyed in the aftermath. Without tech, they asked, how would Anthony Weiner and Tiger Woods share so much of themselves? But more intriguingly, how could such supposedly successful men make such an enormous online fails?
“The human animal has a tremendous desire to share,” she says, that is really hard to fight against. “Thinking long-term and of consequences is relatively new in the development of the human brain. But the Wieners and the Woods and the Arnold Schwarzeneggers of the world are all high testosterone men, which makes the whole scenario so much worse.” When patients are injected with testosterone, Fisher says, it heightens their thinking about “here and now,” and lessens long-term vision. Testosterone also heightens sex drive and a tendency towards narcissism, which goes a long way to explain the thought process that could lead, say, a senator to post crotch-shots to the web. Short-term thinking plus narcissism equals a public relations disaster.
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