If She Thinks You’re Cheating…Then She Might

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By Ruth Purple

Today’s women are competitive, aggressive, assertive, and will not take crap from anybody. They speak out to get what is due to them. They work as hard as men do, and can earn as much, some even more. Relationship wise, they refuse to be ignored and be taken for granted, by all means they should get what they deserve- her man’s love, attention, respect, and his share of the bills. So men, think twice. Today’s woman is a far cry from the meek, mild, submissive and oblivious women of the past. She is apt to get even. Give her love, she gives love, respects begets respect and so does infidelity.That’s why for your own sake, avoid being shady and never ever let your woman question your faithfulness… because if she begins to feel that she’s on unstable ground, she might find someone who can make her feel grounded, behind your back.
So, when your woman suspects you’re cheating, prove your innocence with all your might. However, if you are truly fooling around, stop, because as I’ve said, women today will not take crap from anybody anymore and will never have second thoughts about getting even. Yes, never underestimate the power of women to stray. Women can be as guiltlessly unfaithful as men, more especially if it’s triggered by revenge.If you cheated on her before or has failed to secure her trust, there’s a huge possibility that your woman is cheating on you.

Here are some signs that your woman is cheating on you.

• She no longer asks for your help. There is a huge possibility that your woman is cheating on you when she becomes from ultra needy to the ultimate independent lady. Before, she can’t even do the groceries or pick up the dry cleaning, but now she seems to get by with all the errands without asking for your help. There may be a chance that she wants to learn to do things on her own, but there’s also a possibility that someone has been filing in your shoes.

• She doesn’t get mad at you anymore. She used to be furious when you’re late, or when you cancel your lunch date, or when you go home two in the morning, but lately, you noticed that she doesn’t seem to mind with these offenses. Not only that, not so long ago, she was incorrigibly jealous, where your entire move should be well thought- out, but lately, she seems unaffected. This could be a good change, but it should make you wonder why the she doesn’t seem to care anymore.

• She suddenly becomes illusive. Once upon a time, she was this annoying person who tells you every trivial, nonsense thing about her day, but lately, she is as secretive as the CIA. When you see yourself sneaking and snooping for her purse and cellphone just to know what she’s been up to… you’re in trouble.

• Overcompensating gestures. She now showers you with compliments, “i love you” notes all over the place, cooks your favourite meal 3x in row now and serves you cold beer after, tolerates you to go out with your poker buddies, watches the game with you, offers to walk the dog, and wash the car? (really!) Before you thank all your gods, settle down first. When your woman showers you with over the top niceties, it’ll be nice to know what’s really going.

So, if you can’t imagine your woman cheating on you, learn to keep your balls to yourself.

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a Relationship Expert who has been successfully coaching individuals and couples in their relationships.  You can read more of her work on www.themalemagnetformula.com

 

My Queen Cheated On Me With The Military Chaplain

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VIDEO: I am writting you because I am desperately trying to heal from the hurt I feel as a result of my Queen’s infedelity in Sept.2010. I am going to try to be as brief as I possibly can, so I wish to thank you for taking the time to read my letter. Just to give you a back ground of myself, I am veteran of the armed forces, and current federal employee for the military. I have always had a good income, even at time working 2 jobs when needed. I have a daughter from a previous marraige of 10 years, that I love and support both financially and emotionally. However, the fact that I have a child from a prior marriage has caused issues in my current relationship especially when it comes to visitation. This is has been very hard to deal with… nevertheless, I have always tried to be a good father to my daughter and a good brother according to societies standards. Which brings me to this letter….

When I met me queen, it was while I was working for Deer Park Spring Water as a delivery person. I really believe it was by divine intervention, how we met…. because this was not a normal route stop for me…it was someone else’s.  We connected with each other and as I got involved I learned more about her.  She is a mother of 2, one through early pregnancy, and the other by way of a short marriage. I was excepting of that, we began seriously dating and decided to live together. As time progressed, I would come to notice that she had a hard time severing the ties from the previous relationship of 6 years. Eventually, with a last ditch effort to secure my relationship with her I proposed…with the expectation that she would close that chapter.

I realized during that time that it was because he was a great provider to the children that she was still holding on to him.  I was in transition from my divorce and things were difficult. I even told her I couldn’t be with her because I was not where I wanted to be financially, even though I held down 2 jobs.  As difficult as it was during that time, we managed to make it.  We restructured our lives (I moved in with her) and eventually with God’s grace we moved into beautiful home and started focusing on our future. We thought it would be all good however, with the new home there came new responsibilities.  There were many arguments and fighting over finances because she had become accustomed to how her prior relationship was. I on the other hand felt everyone has to pull their weight, and honesty is paramount.

Ok here’s the reason I’m writing for your advice. See, there were times that  she came to me and stated her concerns about me not being emotionally there for her.  She said I was not spending quality time and there was no intimacy. She said I was not being a good friend and she saw no passion from me. Granted, I always showered her with flowers and gifts through the relationship however there was still something keeping us out of sync.

2010 was the year I wish I never had.  I realized in mid-spring her attitude had changed. In September, she told a lie.  She stayed out all night, and as any person who really loves their mate, I stayed up waiting for her return.  I made countless attempts to reach her via text and voicemail, I knew something had happened. After 2 pots of coffee I fell asleep at 4am at the dinner table. When I woke up she still wasn’t home.  I waited around even though I had to go to work, just to see if I would get some type of a response from her.  Eventually I became sick of waiting so I decided to go in.  Wouldn’t you know that  while I was actually leaving she was pulling into our driveway. The look in her eye’s still sends shiver’s down my spinel. I knew right then she had been with another man. I didn’t accuse her of anything I went in to work so I could try and clear my head.  While at work I actually heard a voice in a calm manner say “Go Home”…so I obeyed.  As I drove to my house there was a Jaguar in the driveway.  I prayed because I knew if I didn’t my life was going to change forever.  So when the guy came out, I saw that the man she had been with was the military Chaplin.  I was devastated.  As bad as I wanted to wipe his DNA from my hands, I said hello as he passed by.

I would confront him via the cell phone 72hrs. later.   He told me they met 2 weeks before and had been intimate twice.  I found out he was not the only one… There was another guy she had been with too.   As you can imagine, I was crushed. She told me that she was lonely and she didn’t want to live that way.  She said she wanted to get out the relationship hoped if she screwed around, I would leave her in retribution for betrayal. Instead of leaving, I wanted the truth, and I wanted to repair my family, and myself.  I sought marriage counseling because I wanted to do everything I could before conceding and letting it all go.   In that process I found myself doing what I should’ve been doing all along.  I gave all to God, and asked for his help. I would gradually change as I began to focus on everything she had issue with. After 8 months she would finally apologize for what she did, and eventually block the numbers out of her phone. I asked her to change the number after the discovery however, she said I was being insecure. I told her I’m not insecure and her even suggesting that I was is disrespectful …especially considering what she had done.   It would be  then that I realized that I had very low self esteem.  That was the reason I was trying to  keep us together. I didn’t want to lose everything I had tried to heal. I eventually came to a point where I accepted that …. if it’s in god’s will it will work out. I then told her…. I if I am not the man you wish to have a future with, then it’s ok.  I wanted her to find her happiness wherever she could find it.

Since then, she has changed her approach.  When she stated she wanted space, I told her I would move out of our home. She then said that she realized I had truly changed and she was afraid I would seek revenge and return the favor as she had done me. However, I refuse to normalize what she did by my actions.  She stole those moments from me and I’ve not been the same since.  I had asked her one time… who was best lover, she stated it was the Pastor, who was 15 years older, and with viagra, she said he was passionate. I told her no… that was game on both of  your parts. You gave your self for a very little amount, just conversation and time spent… and in return he received the greatest gift.   She was resentful at first…But I told her, if he truly wanted to you, he would’ve respected you and waited.  She has changed however she has a more reserved demeanor.  She says this who she is now.  I’m wondering… when people cheat, does it take time before they can open up.  I used to see different sides to her emotionally. We’re planning to get married next September.. Any advice Please let me know. I’ve changed, and everything she wanted from me I am giving her.

BLAM FAM what do yall think of this brotha’s situation?

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Grieving Is A Part Of Getting Past Infidelity

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By Teresa Maples

What Happened?

You just found out your partner has a secret life and has been Sex Chatting with men and women on several web “personals” sites. You feel devastated and alone, and wonder “how in the world am I going to deal with this?” You thought your partnership was great, you were proud of the family you created together. Now, you find out you’ve been betrayed and your partner has a secret double life. The information penetrates your heart to a much deeper place than you’ve ever felt before. As you search for more evidence, you find more and wonder, “how could I of missed this”. All of a sudden, you realize that things from the past that didn’t make sense now do. There was the time you were on vacation, and your partner disappeared for an hour and did not have a satisfactory answer about where he was. His answer did not quite fit, but you did not query further, to avoid his anger. You realize all the situations that didn’t make sense at the time and you did not ask for more information. You trusted your partner and could not comprehend a betrayal of this magnitude. You are in Shock.

What to Expect?
The beginning of this Journey is torturous. It is filled with ups and downs and feels like being on an emotional rollercoaster. It is akin to losing a loved one to death. In a way there is a death, a death of the relationship as you perceived it. You will go through a grieving process. This process happens with several stages. Let’s look at the Kubler-Ross Model of grief stages.

1.Denial — “I feel fine.”; “This can’t be happening, not to me.”
Denial is usually only a temporary defense. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of the betrayal and facts surrounding it. Denial can be conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, or the reality of the situation.

2.Anger — “Why me? It’s not fair!”; “How can this happen to me?”; ‘”Who is to blame?”
Once in the second stage, you will recognize that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, you may be feeling out of control and not yourself. Many betrayed partners can feel “murderous rage” towards the betrayer.

3.Bargaining — “the betrayal didn’t happen, I’m just making things up in my head, my partner would never do that.”; “I will give my life savings if…”
The third stage involves the hope that you can somehow postpone or delay the death of your perception of the relationship, such as, “I had a perfect marriage and perfect family.”

4.Depression — “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?”; “What’s the point or staying together?”; “I miss my idealized partner, why go on?”
During the fourth stage, you begin to understand the certainty of death to the “old relationship”. Because of this, you spend much of the time crying and grieving.  Feeling sad and depressed is part of the healing and shows that you have begun to accept the betrayal as reality.

5.Acceptance — “I’m going to be okay.”; “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.”

In this last stage, you will come to terms with the betrayal. This stage varies according to the person’s situation. You realize that your life will go on and you can make the best of it for your wellbeing.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Help…I Caught My Husband Cheating On Facebook

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Video: Question from a viewer

To make a long story short, I found emails on my husband facebook page (he forgot to log off) between him and females.  One of the emails, he was  describing his penis and telling her what he could/would do to her with his penis.  The emails went back and forth.  I was so upset I told him I want a divorce.  He stated he was just talking and that nothing happened or was going to happen.  Even if he was just talking, I still fell that he cheated.  He doesn’t want to get a divorce or a separation.  I dont trust him anymore.  I never had trust issues with him before.  I believe that without trust there is no relationship.  I found a divorce lawyer.  However, a divorce cost more than i can afford.  My husband and I have been married since 2004.  We have a 11 month old daughter.  I am so hurt.  I feel disrespected and betrayed.    We are currently going to marriage counseling, but I can’t seem to get pass this/over this.  I love my husband, but i also love myself.  I believe that you teach people how to treat you and if I continue with our marriage he will do it again because I let him get away with it the first time.   Any advice you have is appreciated.

BLAM FAM what do you think about this situation?

I’m In The Best Relationship Ever BUT It’s Not With My Husband

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VIDEO: Do you know of anybody that is still married but has started another relationship? Do they swear that the new person is the best there ever was? A lot of times when we’re in a relationship we swear the grass is greener on the other side even though we’ve neglected our own lawns. We received a question from a viewer that’s married, however she’s in a relationship with another man. She asks whether or not she should allow her marriage to legally come to a complete close (which she says she can’t afford right now) before moving forward in her new relationship. What do you think?

Facebook – A Mine Field For Troubled Relationships

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By Steven Adkins, MS

The re-acquaintance of old friends, classmates and distant relatives has been a recent aspect of our new millennium lives. The social network site of Facebook puts us in touch with sometimes hundreds of people from our current lives as well as past lives.

The sites, at first glance, give us an opportunity to “keep in touch” with many past friends, classmates and others on a scale that has never before been available. Recently, Facebook has become the second most clicked site on the internet, only outdone by Google, the number one site on the internet. Some individual’s Facebook sites have thousands of pictures and as many friends.

This internet intimacy with so many has led way to what has been described as “internet betrayal” in marriages and relationships of every type. It has become apparent to us in our marriage counseling practice that it is a re-current theme in couple conflicts. Experience from our practice suggests that there are negative aspects to our primary relationships brought on by these networking sites. We decided to share marriage counseling tips with you for the use of Facebook.

The problems typically occurs when past relationships, i.e. boyfriends, girlfriends, H.S. crushes or others contact someone from their past and begin casual conversations and catching up with each others lives. As in most relationship betrayals, it usually starts with several innocent comments or exchanges with some excitement in the re-connection with someone in the past. Perhaps there is some flirting or “testing the waters” of the relationship. Social boundaries seem to more easily evaporate in the discrete environment of cyberspace.

Slowly, the innocent conversations and flirting beckon one to cross the unwritten boundary agreements between someone and their partner. These are the issues that are considered “knowledge for and between partners,” and what should be kept between them. Perhaps when one party talks about marriage issues, it becomes easier for the other to openly discuss them as well.

In the context of our real world and real issues, we easily forget that Facebook and other sites most resemble a virtual reality that helps us to communicate with others. When the virtual reality takes over our “real life,” and controls our “reality,” difficulties usually exacerbate a troubled relationship. Temptations are always available, whether it is in our reality or in our virtual reality.

Here are some marriage counseling tips and questions to ask yourself. Is a social networking site causing problems in your relationship? Examine your purpose for logging in at 2:00 A.M. Do you protect your password for social websites from your partner? Are you having a troubled relationship with your partner and spending more time on Facebook than quality time with your partner? If you answer yes to these questions, you are at higher risk for crossing boundaries that will lead to further relationship discord.

Consider discussions within your relationship about loneliness, commitment, trust and developing common interests and activities. Have frank discussions to evaluate where you are and where you wish to be in your relationship. If you need help in this process consider seeing a professional to help sort out these issues.

Steven Adkins is a co-owner of Minnesota Marriage and Family Counseling, LLC. www.minnesota-marriage-and-family-counseling.com

I Cheated Once And I’m Tempted To Cheat On My Husband Again. Help!!

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VIDEO: I started to watch some of of your videos recently and enjoy every bit of it. I have been in a relationship for almost 6 years. We are not legally married but naturally we are. Since my husband and I had our first daughter in 2007 our communication went downhill. All I wanted was to spend time wtih him and recconnect as a couple, bring back the romance in our life once in a while but it didn’t happen. I am a sensitive black woman and very emotional…that’s just the way I am. Every time I would bring up the subject he would start talking about finances, living from paycheck to paycheck, expenses getting out of hand. I am a stay at home mother of three children, youngest being 4 months. Back in ’08 I cheated on my husband. It started off emotional then I slept with this guy, not even a whole night. I felt terrible I wanted to do the right thing but didn’t want to be unhappy. I’ve started to talk to another married man with similar problems and yes we are attracted to each other, physically and sexually. Am I wrong to have these feeling or is it showing me that its time to move on? I have to be careful since I have two girls 3 and 2 and a boy 4 months. I’m 26 and husband is 35. Please HELP!

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My Wife Flirts With Other Men…AND I’M SICK OF IT!!!!

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Question: I have been married for nearly 2 1/2 years now.  My wife likes to flirt with other men, but doesn’t flirt with me.  She says she likes to excite others but rarely has any interest in them.  I am generally a level headed person and look to understand different perspectives.  Is this something I should be concerned about?

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Top 14 Ways To Build Trust In A Relationship After It’s Been Torn Down

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by Aiyana Ma’at Trust is one of the most important ingredients to have in the recipe for a successful and fulfilling relationship. When it’s present issues that might ordinarily be a problem are more easily overlooked, we give our partner the benefit of the doubt, and somehow despite their shortcomings, it’s easier to recognize that our partner is still growing & becoming. But, when trust is absent imaginations run wild, molehills become mountains, and the credit we once gave our partner is now out the door. Let’s face it–a relationship absent of trust is a relationship with far more holes & gaps of vulnerability than one with trust.

And, while we most often think of issues like cheating or infidelity when it comes to trust there are other places in our relationships that can be damaged by betrayal and erosion of trust. We’ve worked with many couples where husbands don’t trust their wives with their goals and dreams because their women consistently minimize or belittle their desires. We’ve heard from so many wives who don’t trust their husbands in the area of providing financial security and stability because their men have not demonstrated what is required to make sure their family’s needs are met. And, what about the hyper-critical partner who seems to only find the negative in every situation—their spouse can’t find the courage to trust them with just being their most true and authentic selves for fear of being so harshly judged. My point–erosion of trust can happen in any number of areas in a relationship and while you may trust your spouse 100% in one area your level of trust may be at , for example, just 25%  in another area in the relationship.

In the dictionary (actually on dictionary.com…smile) trust is defined as the reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, or surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence. If the foundation of trust has been cracked in your relationship and you are the perpetrator who took the sledge hammer to it then feel me when I say this: It is your responsibility to demonstrate in your words & your actions that you are willing to do what is required to help heal the pain you caused and clean up the mess that now sits on the floor of your relationship by any means necessary . That is usually a tough pill for many to swallow but, trust me, it is the most honorable and loving path back to faith, closeness, and understanding. Why is it so tough for folks to understand? Because true demonstration (there goes that word again) that one understands what has been done to the relationship means that the perpetrator MUST sacrifice and, yes, work harder than you had to before. Most people don’t want to lay in the bed that they have made—they just want to move on. Well, it just ain’t that simple. We have to B Intentional about re-creating the trust we once had.

So, of course, you know we’re not going to leave you with out some ways to intentionally build that trust back up. We’ve borrowed this list from YgoY.com and we think it’s a really good start.

Express yourself: Communication, as you might already know, is the most important factor in a marriage. The first way to achieve good communication is a relationship is to express yourself honestly. You need to tell the other person how you actually feel.

Tell your needs: Another way to build trust in a relationship is to say exactly what you want. When you make things clear then there will be more closeness between the two of you. This will lead to understanding and trust.

Trust yourself: Distrust and suspicion usually creep up when there is insecurity in a relation. Trusting yourself and having self-confidence will relax you. This way you can also have faith in your man/woman.

Believe your spouse is competent: Problems come when you do not believe that your partner is capable. The other person can also make sensible decisions. Not trusting him/her will only take them away from you.

Secrets are a strict “No”: Take care not to keep any secrets from each other. Secrets have this nasty habit of surfacing when you least expect. Be open about everything in your life. If you hide something, you are always stressed out about it. Therefore, it is better to let it all hang out.

Don’t listen to rumors: If you go looking for problems, you will find them. Continuously asking your friends and family about your spouse’s character will bring down your relationship. One way to build trust in a relationship is not to entertain or believe in the gossip.

Clarify with the partner: If you happen to hear anything about your partner, then clarify with him/her. Do not jump to conclusions. Assumptions will never help you build trust in a relationship.

Keep yourself occupied: An empty mind is surely a devil’s workshop. Therefore, do not sit idle and think about unnecessary issues. Try to keep yourself busy with hobbies and life. This way you will not have time to take your thoughts seriously.

Do not pretend: How can anyone trust you if you pretend? Be comfortable with who you are and show the same person to your spouse and to the world. Pretense will take your partner away from you. The other person will not be able to make out what your actual real personality is.

Share your experiences and past: When you tell more about your past and the experiences you have had, your relationship will become stronger. Be an open book and your partner will respect you for that. Everyone has a past and your man/woman will understand that.

Be responsible: Guess who people trust at work or in their personal lives? It’s the reliable and responsible person. Do things which establish you as a credible individual. It will become easier for your partner to trust you.

Don’t be unpredictable: Nobody can trust an unpredictable person. Try not to do anything which is not characteristic of you. This might make your partner suspicious. Don’t make the changes too often and all of a sudden.

Make things clear: You and your spouse should sit down and make certain things clear. Know what makes the other uncomfortable. Set boundaries and unwritten rules to keep distrust out of your marriage. If talking to a certain female friend makes the wife uncomfortable, the husband should avoid doing so.

Keep jealousy out: Envy leads to lack of faith in the relationship. Do not be jealous of your partner’s success, popularity or attractive personality. Instead be a part of it. Be proud of it. Do not let the green-eyed monster consume your marriage.

It’s difficult to build trust in a relationship but very easy to break it. Therefore, you must work to save your marriage from it. B Intentional family have you experienced broken trust? How did you and your partner deal with it?

The Essence Of Infidelity

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By Susan Shepperd

Infidelity affects 8 out of 10 marriages in this country. This is a shocking statistic! What happens between the time the marriage vows are spoken and that first episode of cheating? It’s an assumption, of course, but I don’t think that 80% of the people who get married intend to cheat or be part of a love triangle.

I decided to tackle unearthing the real truth about how and why this happens. On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other’s philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.

Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman’s appetite. So how does a couple who is totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?

I think the predicament results from the general consensus of opinions and expectations generated by a marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that “being married” automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It appears that everything that could go wrong would be tolerated, everything except infidelity. I do not support tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial, sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, madly in love, with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.

I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for parental guidance, some for business reasons etc. etc. And if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The expectation seems to be that everyone gets married for passionate, romantic love and fidelity is the highest value of marriage.

I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s start with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of “in love” creates a certain blindness and denial especially when this person seems to be almost perfectly aligned with the important values you have designated to be essential in the person you are going to marry. So this person lies to you about something or breaks a promise to you, or does something that totally violates your ethics, but you love him/her and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It’s just a small thing and you can certainly tolerate a little thing like that. After all, you are getting married and that means you can work it out. Love conquers all. Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever “it” is.

According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do; it’s just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s pleasure and “most women lie to men about their satisfaction” which leads to the giant gap in the presumption that marriage presumes passionate, romantic love and fidelity are the highest values. Women on the whole are not able to maintain the level of energy and self esteem necessary to always validate for a man what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless someone instructs them, can not be expected to know what areas of a woman’s body are responsive to erotic touch. It’s different for every woman (man too). So here’s what happens. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman’s body and physiology, which at times do not make sex appealing. Women become mothers. Parenting, especially mothering is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and instincts, which consume even the most, prepared. Generally, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. Women also feel responsible for the upkeep of the home. Not that men do not, but somehow for a woman five million years of homemaking has become instinctual. So what does this entire story mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of “in love” that everyone marries into will disintegrate.

There are exceptions, but generally speaking most people do not intend to cheat on their spouse after the wedding nor do they intentionally pursue an affair. So here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. That person then goes home to his/her spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home who assumes that because they are married, everything is great and there is always time for taking care of the spouse later, ignores the hint That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seeds have been sown.

The marriage is taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other’s needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.

What should be done about reversing this destructive trend? Marriage encounters? Premarital counseling? Relationship coaching? Pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better. Second best would be to stop an affair before it happens. This could be accomplished by paying attention to your relationship and not taking anything for granted. Decreasing the number of affairs would probably make a difference in the divorce rate. Preventative would seem to be preferable, but some people need to get hit by a board before they wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. Ideas are welcome. What do you think are the cause and effect of infidelity?

Susan Sheppard is the founder of Getting What You Want, a life and relationship coaching organization created for the purpose of promoting sacred intimacy in all personal relationships : romantic, parental, sibling, friendship and business. She is the author of the book “How to Get What You Want From Your Man Anytime”, a relationship book that tells everyone in romantic relationships how to be content and have more fun, more sex and less bickering.