I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 2

Part 2 of letter:

My best friend, who is bisexual, knew of my past. However I didn’t open up to her until after she told me she was bisexual and was always attracted to me. We had been friends a long time before I knew this about her. I never had a clue.
Once she disclosed this info to me, I kept it to myself. I never told my husband, because of how he was. He seemed jealous of my relationships, he seemed to have an issue with everything and everyone and to top it off he was homophobic! SO I THOUGHT. My husband should be my best friend. I should be comfortable telling him everything, without judgement.

It made it very uncomfortable for me at first, knowing my best friend had been attracted to me, many years ago. But we moved on and never let that hinder our friendship. I will say there were times I thought about my past and my curiosity.  So, years later, one day she and I went out. We had drinks and a night of fun. However, on the way home, we ended up kissing, AWKWARD! To this day I’m not really sure what brought this on, but we kissed. That is all it was. A kiss. I will say that I was very vulnerable, and she knew it. But nothing became of that and we moved on. When she told me the truth about herself and how she once felt about me, she also told me about a friend of her’s who knew all about me and how my best friend use to feel about me. Well she used that information to her advantage. One day we all went out. She was a very nice girl and we all had a good time. This girl however had an ulterior motive. She invited my best friend and I back to her house. She gave us drinks and put on porn movies. Of course I was horny and very aroused watching it. She walked to the back of her apartment and about 10 minutes later she asked us to come back. She was basically setting us up for a threesome. Lights were out and soft music was playing. Now for someone as curious as me, you would think I would be excited, or thinking “I can finally get my chance to find out” But that couldn’t be further from the truth! I was extremely uncomfortable and wanted to run. My best friend was uncomfortable too. So basically all that happened was some touching. NO oral sex or anything like that. Again, my best friend and I never really discussed that day but maybe just about how embarrassed we both were. My friend always had my best interest at heart and never wanted to see me get hurt.

Fast Forward….

My husband, about a year and 4 months ago, decided to have a conversation about polygamy with my son. My son, with his curious mind, after watching a clip from the news said he wouldn’t mind having two or more women. Of course my husband whispered to me, “its a double standard cause what man wouldn’t want two women” and then he kinda smiled at me. I’m thinking “he can’t be serious, not my husband” SO this started a night of a long “pillow talk” discussion. Questions were asked of me like “have I ever, would I ever, are any of my friends gay or bisexual or do I know anyone who is…blah blah blah. Of course at the time, I’m thinking he seems so sincere. Which is rare during any of our conversations. I was very timid and was thinking he had an ulterior motive to get me to confess something. I took a gamble and I confessed that my best friend had been with a woman before (her being bisexual was not mentioned at the time). Of course he then asked me would I ever, have I ever kissed her or consider a threesome. Again I was even shocked at the question but of course I shrugged it off as no big deal and said eeeww, heck no! Thats my best friend. I was not completely comfortable giving that info. This conversation started a bunch of other conversations and sparked his “obvious curiosity”. He wasn’t getting the answers he wanted to hear from me so he called my best friend and asked her himself  “have you been with my wife”. Instead of simply saying NO, she says “I am not going to talk about anyone else’s business. If you want to know about your wife, ask your wife” NOW, my husband is a police officer and he interrogates people for a living. THAT basically answered his question. He told her he had to call her right back because someone had came into his office. She then calls me to say what was being said and of course I’m like, why didn’t you just say no?!! She said “what is the big deal? It happened a long time ago, you know he likes it anyway and he is curious. Besides he is going to be calling me back, what do you want me to say?’ I said well its too late now, you have already answered his question! Just admit to it. Which is exactly what she did.

This started a month of hell for me! My husband, comes home after that conversation with her, with flowers for me!! He has NEVER bought me flowers before! So I was completely shocked and confused. I was thinking “Lord you cant be serious? You cant possibly be using this ordeal to bring us closer!!” I was so hurt. I didn’t know what to think. It took me admitting to being with a woman for him to show any type of admiration toward me? How could that be? He quickly became very interested in what I had to say. He gave me undivided attention, which he never does! He seemed totally sincere and understanding. Then he shocked me even more by saying he wanted to see me and my best friend together, and he wanted a threesome! “WHAT?” “LORD REALLY?? THis isn’t your will for my life is it?” But I was scared to say no. He seemed so “into” me. We started having sex almost everyday, he was being a little but more freaky (excuse my expression). He seemed to be very aroused and horny. BUT IT WASN”T ME AT ALL, IT WAS HIS THOUGHTS that brought all this on. He wasn’t turned on by me, he was turned on by the thought of his fantasy finally being played out.

I KNOW THIS IS LONG AND I AM SORRY! I need healing, my marriage needs healing and Im desperate! I don’t think he will do counseling AGAIN! I need direction from The Lord!

Moving on…So once he started acting more ‘into’ me, and after the discussions of having a threesome, I agreed to do it. I was liking the attention he was giving me. Even though I had a hard time understanding how this situation was going to turn my marriage around, I was going to do it anyway. (Deception Big Time!) I was being deceived and the enemy was using my husband to do it. He started asking me questions about my past, which made me very uncomfortable because I was still unsure of his motives. I went ahead and told him what happened as a young girl. My story didn’t seem to bother him much because he figured I wasn’t being all the way truthful. In his mind, I has been with several women, sexually, for the majority of my life. He thought that it was my lifestyle. And nothing I could say or do would change is mind. He also kinda figured out that I was basically having a emotional connection to another female. ( another story I didnt mention, we can touch on that later) He then got angry when “my truth” didnt line up with the ‘truth’ in his head. Things were not as they appeared to be. He was thinking all kind of things about me that were not true at all. But in his mind, because they were his thoughts, it must have been true.

He started contacting my best friend again, asking her different questions about me, us, and things in general. My husband, being the type of person he was, would interpret things totally different from how they actually were and he would come home to me and think I would be lying. So basically there was a lot of back and forth between him and my best friend, between him and I and between her and me. Stories would get really mixed up. He lashed out and her, cursed her out and told her she was no longer welcome in our home. He was basically upset things were not going his way.

PART III COMING SOON