YOU ARE NOT Responsible For Your Partner’s Feelings. YOU ARE Responsible For Your Intent

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By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

Guilt is the feeling that results when you tell yourself that you have done something wrong.

HEALTHY GUILT

Healthy guilt is the feeling that occurs when you have actually done something wrong – such as deliberately harming someone. This is an important feeling, which results from having developed a conscience – a loving adult self who is concerned with your highest good and the highest good of all. People who never developed a conscience and feel no guilt or remorse over harming others are called sociopaths. These people have no loving adult self and can wreck havoc – stealing, raping, killing – without ever feeling badly about it.

Healthy guilt results in taking responsibility for our choices and being accountable for our actions. When we have not behaved in a way that is in our highest good and the highest good of all, our loving adult self will feel remorse and take over, doing whatever we have to do to remedy the situation.

UNHEALTHY GUILT

Unhealthy guilt results from telling yourself that you have done something wrong when you haven’t actually done something wrong. For example, if you decide to do something for yourself with no intent to harm anyone, and someone gets upset with you for doing what you want instead of doing what he or she wants, what do you tell yourself? Here are some of the inner statements that can lead to unhealthy guilt:

“It’s my fault that he is feeling angry.”

“I should have done what she wanted instead of what I wanted. I have caused her to feel hurt.”

“I’m being selfish in doing what I want to do.”

“It’s my duty to put myself aside and do what others want me to do.”

“If he gets angry with me, then I must have done something wrong.”

“If she is hurt, then I must have done something wrong.”

Many of us have been trained to believe that we are responsible for others’ feelings, so that when others are angry or hurt, it is our fault. But unless you deliberately intended to harm someone, his or her feelings are not your responsibility. Others get hurt when they take your behavior personally, and they get angry when they make you responsible for their feelings. But this does not mean that you are responsible for their feelings.

You are responsible for your own intent. When you intend to harm someone, then you are responsible for the results of that. But when you just want to take care of yourself with no intent to harm anyone – such as want some time alone when your partner wants to spend time with you – then you are not responsible for your partner’s upset.

Unhealthy guilt comes from telling yourself a lie. When the wounded, programmed critical part of you takes over and tells you that doing what you want with no intent to harm anyone is wrong, that is when you will feel unhealthy guilt. This critical part of you wants to control how others feel about you, and so tells you the lie that you are responsible for others’ feelings.

Unhealthy guilt also arises when someone blames you for his or her feelings and you take on the blame. Many people have learned to blame others for their feelings rather than take responsible for their own feelings. When you accept this blame, it is because you want to believe that you can control others’ feelings. You will feel unhealthy guilt when you accept blame for others’ feelings.

Healthy guilt is an important feeling and leads to positive action, but unhealthy guilt is a waste of energy.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:http://www.innerbonding.com 

My Husband Says, “We Don’t Need To Talk To Each Other Every Day”.

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VIDEO: I have been married since 2002. In 2004 something changed. We dont talk to each other  or ride in the same car…  even when we attend family events.  We basicly live like roommates.  He says couples dont need to talk to each other everyday…but he has no problem asking for sex.  I have had a million conversations with him (one sided ) and he never has anything to say except, “I know”.  We have gone months without talking .  When I try to talk to him I get that DAMN “here she go again” look.  So now, I think he just wants this to be over but doesn’t want to be the one who ends it . Yesterday I told him I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with. I didnt get an answer.  I don’t know what else to do.  I need advice ASAP.

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Is It My Phone Or Our Phone?

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By Untouchable Gary

So I posed an interesting question yesterday about whether people would let their significant others answer their phones even if they had nothing to hide.  As expected it received a mixed variety of reviews from both males and females.

Surprisingly,  the growing consensus was YES they would allow their wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend to answer their phone with no reservations about. Some expressed that if you have nothing to hide then what’s the problem or that there should be no secrets between them. Another that I found cute was “well if I’m closer to it than they are then why not answer for them?”

If y’all know me by now then you know my response was like “What the HELL ARE Y’ALL THINKING!” Once you lose that little piece of privacy your S.O will want more. I even heard that if their phone is always on vibrate then they must be hiding something. Well maybe they are just tired of hearing the damn thing ring all the time. However, I will admit that if their phone is going off at 1 a.m. and it’s not you then that may be an issue.

Be advised that once they are answering your phone they will go thru text messages (maybe even answer a few), look at your pictures, check your emails (which are tied directly to your phone) and don’t forget about all your social media apps that are live and online. Heaven forbid someone happens to flirt with you that day that you have no earthly interest in, you will be in for quite a headache of questions!

I suggest that you ask before you just volunteer your secretariat services. Most often the answer will be yes anyway…unless they have something to hide. But always respect their privacy!!!

Keep Rockin’

Untouchablegary

KnowingTheGame.com

How To Say “Sorry” To Your Spouse

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By Michael Lee

At one point or another, everyone gets into an argument. When this happens, do you know how to say sorry? Some learn it the easy way, but others learn it the hard way – sometimes at the cost of a relationship.

To avoid making matters irreparable between you and your spouse, I suggest you take the time to think about how you can make things up. Learn how to say sorry to a right now.

Step 1: Compose Your Apology.

Saying sorry isn’t going to cut it. You have to understand what you’re regretful about in the first place. So before entering your spouse’s physical presence, why don’t you sit down with yourself and think long and hard about what you’ve done to upset the relationship.

It may not always be your fault, of course, but you also need to take your reactions into consideration. This time off will also give your spouse time to reflect and cool down. After all, there’s no sense in apologizing when your spouse clearly isn’t in the mood to hear you out.

Step 2: Humility is the Best Policy.

If you really want to learn how to say sorry, then keep your head low and be humble. Talking your head off about how you think you were in the right – and how your spouse was in the wrong – might just get you into hotter water.

If your friendship really matters to you, then you wouldn’t mind giving this one fight to your spouse. Who cares who was right and who was wrong anyway?

Isn’t saving your relationship what really matters? Besides, being humble can also get your spouse to open up about his own misgivings.

Step 3: Be a Good Listener.

Sometimes, learning how to say sorry involves less talking and more listening. Your spouse will inevitably have his share of problems or concerns to air out.

Try to listen to them, even if you think they are redundant. Avoid cutting your spouse short to give an explanation. Seek to understand before you seek to be understood.

These are just some of the guidelines on how to say sorry to a spouse. As you know your pal best, you can combine these ideas with your own. You can also invite your friend out to his/her favorite restaurant and talk about the situation there. Knowing your spouse best, you should also have an idea of how long it takes for them to cool down.

4 Communication Techniques To Help You Talk To Your Man

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By Ruth Purple

A lot of women find themselves getting frustrated over the fact that it’s hard to get their message across to their man. She says one thing, and he does another. Do men and women actually speak the same language? Can they really communicate? The answer is yes, here are 4 simple communication techniques when talking to a man.

1. When verbally communicating with your man, tone down your body language. That’s because guys have trouble processing body language and words at the same time. This is one of the communication techniques every woman should remember. This explains why your man drifts away to oblivion when you are being a drama queen.

2. Sit side by side when you want him to catch your drift. This is one of the effective communication techniques on how to get your message across. The best solution is not to look directly at him, where he can get distracted by your elaborate body movements and facial expression. Just make sure that when you are sitting side by side, he is not looking directly at the television or anything that can distract his attention.

3. Go straight to the point. Does this sound familiar? “Do you remember my friend, Ashley? The one who just broke up with her nasty boyfriend last Christmas? She’s been feeling down lately, she’s been having a high fever for the past two days. Can you pick me up later in the office at around six and drive me to her place? Poor thing, I hope she’s feeling better. I can’t imagine being in her place, being all alone with a high fever and a broken heart. Anyway, see you later.” This is one of the ineffective communication techniques that you can do. If you talk like this to your husband or boyfriend, then don’t be surprise if he totally forgot about your appointment. That’s because men strive to simplify the information by focusing on important details.

4. Focus on the essential information. In connection with the number 3 rule, if you want your man to remember something, tell him only the important details (where, when, etc) without extraneous information, for example: “Office, 6pm, see you.”

With the idea that men and women “speak different languages” has become a dogma itself, there’s no harm in trying this communication techniques to get your message across.

The author of this article, Ruth Purple, is a successful Relationship Coach who has been helping and coaching individuals and couples for many years. You can see more of her work at www.relazine.com

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CLICK HERE to learn more effective communication techniques from our communication audio program SPEAK LOVE RIGHT

When Talking Turns To Shouting And Listening Becomes Toxic….

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How many times have you been in the middle of a conversation with your “boo” and felt like he/she DOESN’T GET what you’re saying?  How many times have you heard your spouse say, “YOU DON’T RESPECT ME”?  How many times have you wanted to say “SHUT THE HELL UP!!!”? How many times have you sat next to your spouse, wanting to share something, but too afraid to open your mouth because you’re anticipating a negative response?  Real talk yall, some of yall get called bitch, or bitch ass “nigga” on a daily basis by your spouse and are ABSOLUTELY SICK AND TIRED OF IT.  How often have you wanted to emotionally connect with your sweetheart BUT were just missing the words to make that happen.  If you’ve raised your hand to any or all of these questions, guess what….YOU  ARE NOT ALONE.

We receive countless emails from couples across the country that are sulking in quiet desperation because they can’t seem to find the right words to say or simply don’t have a receptive ear to listen.  They understand their relationship communication skills are all jacked up and are struggling to to live with, be with, and love someone other than themselves.  Truth be told this may be you. AND THAT’S O.K.  Awareness of a problem is the first step in changing the problem and the fact that you’re on this page tells us that you realize NOW IS THE TIME TO SPEAK LOVE RIGHT.

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Truthfully, it took us some time to really understand the nuances of what it means to speak love right.  During our  17 years of being together, being stressed out and bumping heads over insignificant and serious stuff , we remained connected and began doing research on  PRACTICAL and FEASIBLE solutions of how to be more present and communicate better in our relationship.

We were committed to making a change in our relationship we applied what we learned to our relationship and as a result we are more in love NOW than we have ever been. Many of you who are reading this will question if what we’re talking about on this audio program can help you. Answer: Yes it can. Many of you will moan, whine, and squirm about the OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE price of $ 19.97….Don’t break the bank.  Some of you purchase, listen, learn, listen, learn, listen, learn and APPLY and will experience amazing personal and relationship growth as a result.  What we talk about in this program WE APPLY in our relationship and we can honestly say we truly see, hear, and know each other in a deeply abiding way as a result of learning to SPEAK LOVE RIGHT.

After 17 years we are still deeply in love.  We look at each other with adoration and intense attraction the same way we did when we were in high school.  17 years yall and counting.  It’s a good look for us but the community is way bigger than us.  It’s VERY DISTURBING to see so many couples prematurely calling it quits in their relationships, in their marriage because they don’t know how to SPEAK LOVE RIGHT.  This problem pains us and we’re 100% devoted to doing something about it…hence this website, our workshops, individual and couples coaching programs, relationship assessments, etc.  To further spread the message we’ve created this 2 part Audio Program consisting of more than 2 HOURS  of practical strategies and methods that you can listen to over and over and over again while you’re on the go.

 

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This audio program consist of  real questions from real people with honest and evidence based feedback from us. We’re convinced that if you apply the strategies we share you’ll either greatly reduce or completely solve your communication problems once and for all.

Inside this 2 part audio program, you’ll discover and learn PROVEN methods that work (We know because we’ve tried and tested them, remember):

  • How to identify and meet your partners unmet need.
  • Essential strategies for effective listening.
  • Questions you can ask to increase your intimacy.
  • How to “hold on” when you are ready to “throw in the towel”
  • How to overcome the “silent treatment” and rekindle your connection.
  • How to evaluate yourself in your relationship
  • Creative ways to tell your spouse how you feel
  • 3 simple words to make your man feel good
  • What you can do to overcome the fear that accompany’s CHANGE
  • Real talk from a Husband & Wife professional coaching team.

So go ahead and Click the Buy Now button below now to get inspired and learn how to RADICALLY transform your relationship by building a new you as you communicate more SINCERELY & COMPASSIONATELY with your Sweetheart.

IT’S TIME TO STOP PLAYING AND START PUSHING

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WHAT FOLKS ARE SAYING ABOUT OUR MESSAGE:

I love you guys because you keep it 100%  The way you combine compassion and insight is divine.

If it weren’t for your advice my mariage would be over.  You exposed me to the error in my ways.

I’ve got sort of a love/hate relationship with yall.  I love your message but I hate that yall were so right about my situation LOL

Your chemistry is phenomenal.  We’re getting our mojo back by listening to you all on the daily.

When yall finish speaking you should say “And let the church say amen” cause yall be preachin’ the truth. lol

10 Topics That Happy Couples Talk About

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By Denise Ngo

As Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds talk about ideas; small minds talk about people. What do you and your significant other talk about? If you constantly hit the heavy stuff you’re probably happier than if you spend time gossiping about your neighbors or coworkers.

A recent study published in Psychological Science says that people are happier when they spend more time discussing meaningful topics than engaging in small talk. Seventy-nine college students had their conversations recorded and analyzed by researchers, who distinguished between chit-chat about the food or the weather from discussions about philosophy, education, or religion. Subjects who reported the greatest amount of satisfaction spent only 10 percent of their conversation on small talk, while the unhappiest subjects kept 28.3 of their talking time in the shallow end.

Granted, the study is still in its infancy, and researchers have yet to conclude whether people are happy because they can talk deeply, or whether they talk deeply because they are happy. Either way, we started thinking about relationships and how closely we converse with our partners. In an interview with The New York Times, researcher Matthias Mehl said,

By engaging in meaningful conversations, we manage to impose meaning on an otherwise pretty chaotic world. And interpersonally, as you find this meaning, you bond with your interactive partner, and we know that interpersonal connection and integration is a core fundamental foundation of happiness.

Heck, what’s more chaotic than being in love? Among the scores of substantive topics people discuss, we’ve come up with 10 that we believe couples should relish during heart-to-hearts:

1. Embarrassing moments. If you can’t share the awkward, American Pie-worthy moments that occurred throughout high school with your boyfriend or husband, who can you tell them to? Don’t be afraid to broach the subject, if you haven’t already. We wouldn’t be surprised if his stories are more horrifying than yours.

2. Political viewpoints. How do you feel about the freshly-approved healthcare bill? You don’t have to agree with each other, but you do need to keep an open mind. A good relationship allows both parties to discuss their own philosophies without taking the opposition personally.

3. Fears and insecurities. By fears, we don’t mean your phobia of earthworms. We’re talking about things that make you wake up with gray hairs. What worries you? What do you want to improve in yourself? What skeletons are in your closet? In being vulnerable, you risk judgement, but more importantly, you chance being understood.

4. Childhood. Ask your partner what he or she was like as a kid. Did she make friends easily? What kind of games did he like to play? Did he have trouble in school? Childhood memories make for fun conversations, but they can also lend insight into how your main squeeze became the person he or she is today.

5. Past relationships. This is a touchy one because no one wants to hear the person they’re with spouting sonnets about an ex. There is, of course, a difference between longing for (or being bitter over) the past and simply acknowledging what happened. With enough practice, seasoned, happy couples learn how to address why past relationships ended without inandvertently comparing their current partner to an old flame.

6. Family life.  Knowing a person’s upbringing and relationship with his or her parents is paramount to understanding his current attitude toward family. If you’re even slightly contemplating a future with this person, it might help to ask how well they get along with their parents. Why does she resent her mother? Why is he closer to his sisters than to his brothers? How does she handle family gatherings?
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I Know I’m Not The Only Man That Develops A.D.D. When Talking With His Wife

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By Ayize Ma’at

If you’re anything like me, when the Mrs. begins talking I almost immediately develop a case of A.D.D.  When I’m watching the Celtics, Lakers, Heat, or OKC I don’t have A.D.D.  When I’m working out I don’t have A.D.D.  When i’m making love I don’t have A.D.D.  But when my wife begins talking to me and I see the conversation beginning to tip over the 5 minute mark I start showing symptoms of A.D.D.  I start getting fidgety and restless. I look for my phone.  I look at my watch.  I fondle the remote.  Every cell in my body screams “GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!”  I feel like running.  I feel like walking.  I feel like taking a long shower.  I feel like doing anything other than sitting here and listening to my wife for another 15 minutes.  I feel like being free.

A lot of yall are probably thinking, “Is talking to your wife that bad?”  Nope, I actually love talking to my wife……when I want to talk to her.  Let me hip you to a little secret….men engage in conversation when they initiate conversation and when you initiate conversation you’re interrupting the conversation they are engaged in that they’ve initiated in their mind.  You’ll probably have to read that last sentence 3 times before you really understand it…..but basically men are very analytical and thoughtful and are always having conversations with themselves.  The reason why I’m impatient with my wife while we’re conversing is because I selfishly desire to get back to what was going on in my mind before the conversation with my wife began.  Selfish yall, just straight up selfish.  However, I’ve learned how to create space for my wife and make her feel like she’s the center of my universe even when i’m battling conversationally induced A.D.D.

Here’s the MAGIC BULLET……………………………. COMMIT

You see I realized that I have the capacity to focus when I choose to……so all I have to do is choose to focus on my wife.  For instance, because I value my wife and know how much quality conversation means to her i’ll occasionally get a chair and sit it in the middle of the kitchen and engage in conversation with her while she’s making dinner.  No phone, no Mac, no watch…just me in the chair listening to my wife.   COMMIT.  Just recently we went to dinner and I sensed that my wife wanted to connect through some meaningful conversation so I sat across from her, and gently caressed her hands and looked into her eyes and talked to her while we waited on our meal.  COMMIT.

You see in both instances, I did something physical to interrupt the usual pattern of conversing with my wife.  I put a chair in the middle of the floor and sat in it.  I held my wife’s hands and looked into her eyes.  Doing these two things signaled to my wife that that I was interested in her and engaged in her world.  Doing these two things opened me up to experience the value in meaningful conversation with my wife.  Doing these two things intensified our connection.  COMMIT. Fellas try it.  I guarantee your wife will appreciate it.  Ladies share this…..I’m certain your man will grow from it.

CLICK HERE to take your love to the next level with INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

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Ayize Ma’at is Co-founder and President of B Intentional, LLC, the Relationship Education company that owns and operates Blackloveandmarriage.com, the premiere cutting edge Marriage and Family web publication with the largest collection of love and marriage advice videos for African Americans. He is a Marriage & Relationship Educator certified in various Singles and Marriage Education curriculums and has a passion for inspiring others to grow and gain a deeper understanding of love. He is a devoted husband and the proud father of 4 amazing children.

 

 

Are You A Compassionate Listener?

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By Dr. Linda Miles

It is difficult to become a good listener who both validates the pain of the other, while maintaining the ability to look at themselves. Each person must listen compassionately to themselves and each other.

Within many relationships, rather than engaging in compassionate listening, many couples polarize. One partner is the voice of reason, the head, while the other partner is the voice of emotion, the heart. These patterns often create communication problems, which hardly begins to touch on the angst that can be felt between couples.

While, listening with both our hearts and our heads is valuable, neither is complete by itself, because listening with both makes one complete person. Someone who uses just their head while listening is using their intellect and knowledge, and when used individually, without the hearts part, it can be cold and indifferent. When listening with just the heart compassion turns into confused feelings.

A compassionate listener is someone who listens with both their head and their heart.

Here are traits of a compassionate listener:

They are commited to listening.

They have the intention of understanding, as deeply as possible, the message and concerns of others.

They seek to understand the reality of another through both compassion and understanding.

They refrain from verbal and nonverbal judgments.

They are physically and mentally ready to listen.

They validate their understanding of the other’s reality before expressing their opinion.

They create a balance between their head and their heart.

They remain present and are in the here and now.

They are open to new learning experiences about their own behaviors.

They self-evaluate and can laugh at themselves.

Author, Dr. Linda Miles, is deeply committed to helping individuals and couples achieve rewarding relationships. She is an expert with a doctorate in Counseling Psychology, and has worked in the mental health field for over thirty years. She has been interviewed extensively on radio, TV, and in newspapers and magazines. Find more relationship ideas and relaxation techniques on her web site and in the award-winning book she co-authored, The New Marriage: Transcending the Happily-Ever-After Myth, and Train Your Brain: For Successful Relationships, CD. 

http://www.drlindamiles.com 

Why Conversations Feel Like Competitions

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By Terry Leslie

Men tend to perceive conversation with mates as a form of competition or challenge-like playing office politics or jockeying for position in the passing lane. When we’re asked a question, we don’t just answer – we want to give the right answer (or the right excuse). If talking turns into a debate or argument, naturally we want to win it. If the conversation revolves around our partner’s problems, 9 times out of 10, we’ll move into advice-giving mode, trying to come up with solutions to the puzzle laid out before us.

Our adversarial attitude toward conversation is not just mental; it’s physical, too. Conversation can be as stressful as any physical challenge men face in life. It actually quickens our heart rates and causes our temperatures to rise. Left unchecked, our impulse to wrestle with conversation can also cause tempers to rise and very quickly lead a conversation into the not-so-gentle realm of full-blown argument. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

It’s the basic nature of men to equate the rigors of conversation with more physical challenges. We don’t talk about stuff; we do stuff. We’re hands-on, proactive. “Men get their identities from their achievements, not their relationships. Thus, we have a hard time simply having a talk, empathizing with a partner, commiserating with her. We need to talk to have a point or a goal, or to address a concrete issue that can be solved with advice and specific actions.

This is just the opposite of what women want. Usually, all they want is to feel that you’ve heard them, regardless of whether your conversation comes to a specific resolution.

That’s not the only way we differ in conversational style. Just for your own edification, here are some other examples that reveal our competitive leanings when it comes to conversation.

–  Men issue commands; women make requests. For example, a man will say “Close the door,” while a woman will ask, “Will you please close the door?” This gives men power and makes women seem subservient.

–  While women initiate conversations, men interrupt a lot more and thus gain control of the discussion.

–  In conversation, men like to give information, not get it. This, by the way, is why we don’t like to ask for directions.

So in summary, men really do need to learn how to just listen more. This will do wonders for scoring brownie points with your woman.

Terry Leslie is a successful and world renowned authority figure on creating and maintaining successful relationships. A much sought after global speaker in the areas of intimate relationships, self-improvement and human peak potential training. 

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