Should Women Cook & Clean And Men Pay Bills & Provide?

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VIDEO: When entering into an agreement…it’s good to have roles and responsibilities clearly defined to minimize the possibility of confusion, conflict, and drama! The same goes for a relationship. Role definition is good. However, couples tend to experience problems when they allow someone or something outside of themselves to determine what those roles should be versus defining the roles themselves. Every couple is different so every relationship will look different, right? Or are there some things meant for women and some things meant for men?

*We get asked this question all the time so we decided to pull out an oldie but goodie. Listen in and give us your opinion.

Forgiveness: 10 Steps To Freedom

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There’s so much healing, joy, pleasure, gratification, and peace of mind that comes with being loved unconditionally and loving completely that I wish everyone WOULD experience it.  We intentionally use the word “would” because we KNOW it’s possible and realizable if you’re willing to put in the work.   Unfortunately most people won’t put in the time and energy to experience the phenomena of TRUE LOVE  because it’s “hard work”.  Well…. like we’ve said before, anything worth having is worth working hard for.    One way of working hard in your relationship is demonstrating your ability to forgive.  FORGIVENESS should be a key ingredient in your recipe for relationship success.

By: Alan J. Butler

1. Forgiveness is a healing process

Often we cannot start this process alone. It depends on a number of factors. How and when we were hurt and by whom. How did we react at that time. What did we come to believe about ourselves because of this. Remember that forgiveness is a process and the healing can take time. There is no quick fix.

2. Forgiveness is an act of the will

Many think that forgiveness is an act that comes out of a felt emotion. Certainly, there is an emotional dimension to healing and forgiveness. But at it’s basic level, you must choose to forgive. It may not be easy but you must decide to take this course it is a choice.

3. Forgiveness is a sign of positive self esteem

Sometimes the most difficult act of forgiveness is to forgive yourself. This opens the door to be able to forgive others. It is often said that forgiveness boosts your self esteem. When we no longer want to see ourselves in the light of our past hurts and injustices, and come to believe the truth about ourselves, we feel better inside and out.

4. Forgiveness is letting go

Forgiving is not forgetting: It is letting go of anger and hurt and moving on. It doesn’t change what happened. Letting go means that the pain from our past no longer has a hold on us. This makes a way for us to set new plans for our future. Forgiveness means letting go so that we can move on.

5. Forgiveness is an internal process

Forgiveness is an internal process. It can’t be forced, and it doesn’t come easy. It brings with it great feelings of wellness and freedom. But we experience this only when we want to heal and when we are willing to work for it. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say, “I’m tired of the pain, and I want to be healed.” At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility-although it may take time and much hard work before we finally achieve it.

6. Forgiveness is recognising that we no longer need our grudges

Dante used the phrase: “The wrathful travel in a cloud”. Their outlook on life is distorted because their inner condition is affected by hate. It doesn’t make sense to remain unforgiving. Nursing grudges works like acid on the soul. We are not able to see straight, literally and spiritually.

7. Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish people

The anger we feel towards them is hurting us more than it hurts them. The anger was stopping the healing. We feel that inner healing and the peace that goes with it. Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we do to punish the offender will heal us. Forgiveness is freeing up the energy that was spent in anger and chanelling it into our present and future.

8. Forgiveness offers a chance at reconciliation

It was mentioned in a previous article that forgiveness is not reconciliation. Reconciliation is restoring a relationship to a positive state. This is not possible if the perpetrator has died, or a former spouse has remarried. Reconciliation goes beyond forgiveness and may generally not be possible if forgiveness has not taken place. If someone says that they have forgiven a person yet they avoid that person at all costs – it is likely that some deep seated resentment is still there.

9. Forgiveness is the only way to heal the pain

We make a decision to say that we are sick and tired of this pain, we do not want to be a victim any longer, and need to deal with the pain in a positive way. Then we know that the road to to recovery is possible and forgiveness is taking place.

10. Forgiveness is freedom

Forgiveness is freeing up the energy. Forgiving someone means that you have released them from the consequences of their action to you so that you can be free. Those who hold resentment in their heart are in no position to withstand any of the storms of life. Your own personal vision of inner peace and what you want your life to become is available when you forgive.

Alan Butler is a Recovery Coach having worked for the last 10 years with men recovering from addiction. Three years of this were invested as a House Parent on site at the Christian run Ovis Farm Project in Devon, England. He has a Diploma in Coaching and Mentoring from the Institute of Counselling, Glasgow. He is currently taking time out with his children and granchildren in Australia but would welcome comment through http://www.therecoverycoach.co.uk

Marriage & Respect: One Can Not Live Without The Other

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By Team BLAM

Think back to when you were first falling in love with your spouse. Do you remember hiding your faults? Don’t feel too bad, he or she was doing the same. Do you also remember ignoring his or her faults or viewing them in a positive light? Looking back now, you might have a better idea why they say love is blind.

One positive by-product of how you acted was that your level of respect grew. As we notice all the good things about people, our level of respect for them increases.

As our respect grows for a person, we find it easier to listen, talk in a respectful tone of voice and treat him or her in a respectful manner.

After your wedding day you probably started to let your guard down a little. You no longer tried so hard to hide your faults. At the same time your spouse was doing the same thing. It became much easier for you to notice his or her faults rather than overlook them.  As you begin focusing on your spouse’s faults, your level of respect began to erode. You may have noticed the side effects in how you spoke, listened, and treated him or her.

As respect erodes, contempt grows. Contempt will poison your marriage and bring with it pain and misery. Both respect and contempt are built up by what YOU choose to dwell on.

People who dwell on the faults of their spouse often try to force their spouse to change to meet their own expectations. Ultimately, this route is met with bitter disappointment and frustration as each attempt creates more resistance and ultimately fails.

Some folks choose to politely ask their spouse to work on their fault. If their spouse does not change they work on becoming used to their spouse’s fault. In essence, they accept the things they cannot change.

The reality is no one is perfect. The sooner we learn to recognize and accept the faults that are not going to change, the more content and happier we will be in our marriage.

Should we learn to tolerate all faults? Of course not. Physical/verbal violence, not contributing financially, and refusing to communicate or compromise are all examples of fault that should not be tolerated but instead must be addressed directly.

When you focus on your spouse’s positive traits and exercise tolerance with his or her faults, your respect for him or her will grow. You will find it easier to listen, speak, and treat them respectfully.

Here’s an Action Plan to get you started in the right direction: For the next 3 weeks make a list each day of 10 positive things your spouse did. You can also take a trip down memory lane and include things they did in the past. Each night share a few items on your list with your spouse. Better yet, ask your spouse to participate with you in this exercise. Whether you do it alone or together with your boo you will definitely be on the right track toward increasing your attitude of gratitude. 😉

Adapted from the National Healthy Marriage Institute

Can You Hear Me Now? Miscommunication In Marriage

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By Friedrich Asen

People of two opposing ideas can stir up arguments and fights. It’s that situation when one thinks he has the right concept while the other one also believes he has the proper notion. Both of them would try to outsmart each other until one claims victory.

Here’s an actual example.

My spouse would sometimes buy me signature clothing. When my Mom founds out how much it costs, she would advise us to budget our money and just buy the affordable ones.

A problem occurs when my spouse thinks that her effort to give me the best was unappreciated. Mom, on the other hand, would think that my spouse is such a spender.

There’s a conflict with their beliefs. No two people are exactly alike. We are totally unique; not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

There will be many times when your opinion will not correspond with that of another. So how can people prevent this kind of conflict from occurring?

Communication is the key to overcome doubts and misunderstandings.

You should let other people know what’s in your mind. Don’t keep them guessing.

There was a story about two couples who were filing a divorce. After the lawyer have spoken to them both, he found out that the root cause of all their problems was due to miscommunication.

Here’s one of the couple’s problems.

The man filing the divorce said that he just hated the breakfast meal that his wife often prepared for him. On the other hand, the wife said that she’s only preparing the meal because she thought it was her husband’s favorite. But she never liked cooking it because it’s very difficult to prepare.

See? If only one of them took the initiative to speak out what’s in his or her mind, then that particular dilemma would be over.

Now why would people prefer to keep their complaints and criticisms to themselves? What’s holding them back?

It’s because they do not want to be rejected. Most, people, if not all, would like to be accepted and to be perceived as likeable in the eyes of others.

So can you get your message across without hurting their feelings?

Substitute negative statements with positive ones.

Instead of saying “You don’t understand,” say “Let me explain.” Instead of remarking “You’re wrong,” say “Permit me to clarify.” Instead of stating “You failed to say,” just mention “Perhaps this was not stated.”

There are certain words that affect a person more negatively in comparison with other words that have the same meaning.

Nothing could be more pleasing to the ear than hearing someone else say that you are right. In this case, be prepared to let other people know that you respect their opinions. You may add your comments at the end, but acknowledge them first.

Say: You’re right, although … Great suggestion, however … I agree with your opinion, however … I would feel the same way if I were you, although … I understand your situation, however …

Reassure your counterparts that the decision made will benefit both parties. People need to feel that they have made the right choice.

Communication is a gift. Use it wisely for everyone’s advantage.

Friedrich Asen is a personal development and relationship expert, counsellor, coach and author since more than 20 years. For more highly informative articles about relationship please visit his site at www.relationshipimprover.com

I’m Pregnant….My Husband Left….Now What?

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One of our Facebook Fans hit us with a really disturbing dilemma. She & hubby had planned on having children and were both in agreement on bringing children into the world. However, once she became pregnant…….homeboy dipped, as in bounced…..plain and simple HE LEFT.

Now, she’s left all alone and she asks….What do I do?

It’s Time To “Get Love Right”

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So many of you have asked that we bring what we do online and the time has finally come!!!! Needless to say we are so excited about doing live interactive classes with singles and couples from all over the country at the click of a mouse. Technology is the bomb diggity (ok, corny I know…smile) and we are stretching ourselves, pulling all nighters, and getting it in like never before so we can create the kind of online class experience that will leave you so much stronger, better, and wiser then when you first step foot into our virtual classroom. We are ready for you! Are you ready to grow and learn? Class is in session!

REGISTRATION

MARCH 9, 2011- APRIL 15, 2011

CLASS BEGINS

THE WEEK OF APRIL 18TH

CLICK HERE for more details

How Long Will You Let Your Relationship Linger In LIMBO?

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ARTICLE/WITH MUSIC AND VIDEO COMMENTARY.  You can feel free to read the article without the music and commentary below.

By Ayize Ma’at

It’s very common to hear people complaining and expressing frustration over the space their relationship is in.  Folks are always looking for the next available ear to unload their “dirt” in hopes that there will be some kind of kindred spirit connection around familiar chaotic circumstances.  Unfortunately, while it’s VERY common to witness dating couples, newly weds, and established weds complaining, it is UNCOMMON to see people demonstrate initiative to make things better.  I will acknowledge, as ignorant as it sounds, sometimes it’s comfortable living in chaos.  There is a certain predictability, familiarity, and assuredness that accompanies staying in the space that you are in.  However, I think that if we are REAL with ourselves, we are staying in the space that we are in, specifically as it pertains to our relationships….because WE’VE ACCEPTED A SPIRIT OF RESIGNATION.  We’ve emotionally tapped out and quietly settled with the thought “it is what it is”.

No…no…no…no…NO!  I emphatically shout that to men, women, and families that have chosen to take an apathetic approach to their relationships.  HOW LONG WILL YOU LET YOUR RELATIONSHIP LINGER IN LIMBO?  You go through your days accepting the next apparent move instead of being intentional and choosing the right move.  Your relationship with yourself, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your fiance’, your spouse……DOES NOT HAVE TO STAY THE SAME.  However, I promise you that YOU and the condition of your relationship will remain the same OR GET WORSE unless you do something different.  I implore you to do something different…..stop lingering in limbo and live your love with intention.  With a heartfelt nudge I urge you to CLICK HERE and GET LOVE RIGHT!

It’s Time To Go To The Next Level. Online Couples & Singles Classes Have Arrived.

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VIDEO: So many of you have asked that we bring what we do online and the time has finally come!!!! Needless to say we are so excited about doing live interactive classes with singles and couples from all over the country at the click of a mouse. Technology is the bomb diggity (ok, corny I know…smile) and we are stretching ourselves, pulling all nighters, and getting it in like never before so we can create the kind of online class experience that will leave you so much stronger, better, and wiser then when you first step foot into our virtual classroom. We are ready for you! Are you ready to grow and learn? Class is in session!

***ONLINE REGISTRATION GOES LIVE TODAY AT 3:00PM***

FOR MORE  DETAILS ABOUT THE CLASSES PLEASE CLICK HERE!

The NEW Marriage Negotiations

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VIDEO: Please help us out and share this with any and everybody you know! This is our premier project for 2011 and we are so excited about all the wonderful people we’re going to meet and relationships that are going to be elevated. This is Real talk about real relationships going to the next level. There are positive examples of black love in the African American community and blackloveandmarriage.com is diligently working to bring healing and wholeness to love. Relationships require negotiation, compromise and flat out work. The online relationship classes we have starting in April will definitely show you how to find love and strengthen the love that you have. Registration begins March 9th. Classes begin April 18th.

For general information on the classes CLICK HERE.

My Husband Is Depressed…I’m Sick Of It…I Need HELP

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A viewer wrote in expressing her frustration over the fact that her husband has been increasingly shutting her out for the past year. He’s withdrawn from her and refuses to talk to her, go to counseling, or work on their marriage. He’s been out of work for a year and a half and she feels he’s slipped into a depression.

She is in a really difficult place. She wants to know what can she do…..listen in as we shed some light on her situation and let us know what you think.