By Lynn Margolies, Ph.D.

Fantasizing about another person may seem like a harmless indulgence, but it actually draws us closer to temptation and can increase the risk of being unfaithful. In the same way that dwelling on worries and possible catastrophes fuels anxiety and makes fears more vivid, immersion in fantasy can enhance, rather than quench, our longings. Dreaming provides a familiar example of how imagination has the power to cross the line and blend into real life. We all can relate to having an intense dream about someone, and finding the feelings from the dream temporarily spilling into our waking experience of the person.

Our Inner Dialogue Affects Our Thoughts and Feelings

How we manage our thoughts when they come into our mind (our “inner dialogue”) directly affects how we feel and what we do. If we use this to our advantage, we can have a potent tool to manage our state of mind and have more control over ourselves. Alternatively, we can give in to “natural” instincts and thought patterns and see what happens when they take over.

Jeremy, 42, was bright and outgoing — though as a boy he was shy, insecure and lonely. In high school he was convinced that any girl he liked would be out of his league and would not like him. He coped with these painful feelings by using his imagination, comforting himself with sexual scenarios in which any girl he liked would fall in love with him. Jeremy was never inappropriate with anyone and kept these fantasies a secret.

As an adult, Jeremy was active socially and happily married with a satisfying sex life. Still, he continued in the vivid fantasy life he had as a boy, habitually imagining scenarios about various women who crossed his path,Though Jeremy’s self-image seemed positive, unconsciously he carried with him the deeply ingrained, buried sense of himself as rejected and unlovable, and continued to use the power he found in his mind to abolish this perception of himself. Jeremy never sought help for this issue, since he believed that fantasizing was harmless, and that he was no different than other men.

Jeremy frequently fantasized about Zooey, a single co-worker at the same firm. He had made a commitment to himself never to let on t her about these fantasies, knowing that doing so could put him at greater risk for acting on them. Jeremy described his relationship with Zooey as neutral. There had never been any flirtation between them and Jeremy never felt any special connection with her other than a private attraction.

Eventually, Zooey decided to leave the firm for another job. As the two of them were saying goodbye, Zooey suddenly confessed to Jeremy that she had been fantasizing about him over the last several years. To his surprise, Jeremy found himself excitedly blurting out that he had actually been fantasizing about her too. At that juncture Zooey reached out to him to say goodbye, kissing him on the lips. Despite having breached his own boundaries, Jeremy rationalized to himself that he was still safe, since he had informed Zooey that he was happily married.

Previously, Jeremy’s fantasies had seemed safely compartmentalized. However, Zooey’s unexpected confession instantly dissolved the fragile line separating fantasy and reality, making Jeremy’s fantasy suddenly come true.

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What do you do if your partner cheats on you? Do you stay or do you go? These and many more questions about dealing with INFIDELITY will be answered by special guests Judge Lynn Toler and Aiyana Ma’at on the Jennifer Keitt Show Sunday September 16th 7-8pm  on KISS 104 Atlanta.  Please make it a point to tune in so you can be enlightened, inspired, and encouraged to take you and your relationship to the next level. Click HERE to LISTEN ONLINE.  #cheatstayorgo

By Denise A. Dilmore

For a couple to survive infidelity, the general theme is the cheater wants to get on with the relationship and quickly move past the affair, while the injured party prolongs the misery and mistrust. And with good reason. It is difficult to “move on” once you have been devastated by an affair.

If both you and your husband want to survive the infidelity and rebuild your marriage, realize that it is a process. After the initial shock of the infidelity has settled, it is not so much the “sexual act” which is the most difficult to survive, but the deceit, disrespect, lies and lack of loyalty that has taken place. The lingering feelings of deception and mistrust do not immediately go away once the affair stops.

Here are 3 mistakes couples make which prolong the mistrust and misery, and most importantly, how to avoid them:

Mistake #1 – Visualizing The Details and Playing It Over And Over Again

The number one mistake most people make which prolongs mistrust and misery is visualizing the details of the affair and playing it over and over again in their minds. Envisioning the “what, when, where and how they did things” is destructive to your sanity and will prohibit you from rebuilding your marriage.

To survive infidelity you must learn to take control of your mind and stop the negative visualizations. Understand it is natural to doubt your spouse’s loyalty but unnatural for you to torture yourself with “thoughts of them.”

Tips to help rid yourself of unwanted thoughts are:

-Be aware of when negative thoughts are taking over so you can learn to change your thought pattern

-Become aware of what triggers your negative thoughts and images

-Make a conscious decision to stop yourself when these thoughts and images appear

-Stop telling yourself and others that you can’t stop thinking this way – because you can

-Realize you are in control of your thoughts and need to distract yourself with other people, things and places to keep your mind occupied

-Make a written list of 10 things you are grateful for and pull it out and read it every time your negatative thinking begins

Mistake #2 – Trying To Put The Marriage Back To “The Way It Was”

The number two mistake most people make which prolongs mistrust and misery is trying to put the marriage back to “the way it was.” For a couple to survive infidelity, both must realize there was a fault line in the foundation of their marriage for the affair to happen in the first place. Usually feeling underappreciated, misunderstood or a communication break down between the couple has occurred prior to the affair. There are many online resources available for couples willing to repair their marriage and find new ways of communicating.

Tips to help you create new ways of communicating are:

-Stop yourself from falling into the same communication patterns as were present prior to the affair

-Accept the marriage will not be the same as it was prior to the infidelity

-Get professional counseling or find online resources to help you develop new ways of communicating

-Learn to listen to your partner rather than jumping in with a response

Mistake #3 – Focusing on The Affair Rather Than The Marriage

The number three mistake most people make which prolongs mistrust and misery is focusing on the affair rather than the marriage. For obvious reasons feelings of anger, rage, hurt, betrayal and disappointment are all natural and must play a part in the healing process. Keep in mind, if you did not care about your spouse, none of these feelings would be arising. Therefore, once you have both made the decision to survive the infidelity and save your marriage, focusing on the affair rather than the marriage is destructive and futile.

Tips to help you focus on your marriage again are:

-Every day make a list of things your spouse did right

-Ask yourself why did you fall in love with your spouse in the first place and do they still have some of those same qualities

-Take time away from the everyday routine to spend quality time together

-Find new activities and things you are both interested in doing together

-Designate specific times to discuss the marital issues and solutions on how to make the marraige stronger

Ultimately, your spouse carries a large responsibility in trying to help you alleviate your mistrust and misery. It is after all, their indiscretions that created the breakdown of your relationship.

Realize that if you are both committed to saving your marriage, there are many ways that you can restore the trust which was lost to the affair. Take responsibility for avoiding the three most common mistakes many people make. If you put in the daily work, you and your spouse will be among the many couples that have succeeded in regaining the trust and surviving infidelity.

To read more from Denise A. Dilmore you can visit her blog at HowToSurviveAnAffair.com