An Opportunity To Tell Your Story Of Infidelity On O.W.N. (…and Help Heal Somebody)

/in , , /by


By Aiyana Ma’at

How does it feel to tell your story? It can be a little scary. It is exciting. It brings hope and healing to your heart. It is definitely freeing. You have the opportunity to work with Ayize and I and allow us to help you pull the lessons from the drama and the trauma of infidelity….and oh, what an opportunity it is.

Are you interested in sharing your story for a project we’re working on with the Oprah Winfrey Network? We’re looking for couples who have experienced infidelity in their relationship or marriage and are open to sharing what happened in their relationship–the good, the bad, and the ugly. If infidelity ENDED your relationship… we are looking for you!  If you all are in the middle of dealing with infidelity..we are looking for you!  If yall have overcome infidelity… we are looking for you.  The most important thing we want to pull away are the lessons learned, insight gained, and personal growth experienced through the pain.

My husband and I will need to work with you to talk about the infidelity and where you are now versus where you were then–at the time of the infidelity. You can either still be together or divorced. If you and your ex are no longer together, you don’t necessarily have to talk to or see each other to do the show. Your story and the lessons learned are what’s most important. Selected couples will appear on a national television network along with my husband and I.

If you know of anyone who may be interested, please let us know and they or you can call us to discuss more and get details about things such as:

-How will the process work if the couple is no longer together or don’t get along that well?

-What about privacy and confidentiality of the 3rd party (the one(s) who the spouse was cheating with) ?

-What if there are concerns about children?

We know this is a sensitive issue and there will very likely be a lot of questions which we along with the producer can answer.

Ayize and I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to work with major media to bring a transformative and healing light to the complex issue of infidelity.

At the end of the day all of life’s situations are here to grow us and help us learn a much needed lesson. Once we’ve learned the lesson we have a responsibility to teach what we know and the producer’s of this show are all about that so please let us know if you or any couples you know of may be interested.

You can call us directly at 202-599-0234 or email us at info@bintentional.com

This is an opportunity to tell your story and  use your life to help millions of others!

 

Passionate Love Exists Even In Long Term Relationships

/in /by

By Susan Krauss Whitbourne, Ph.D.

That crazy thing we call love is perhaps one of the most studied and least understood areas in psychology. One reason is that many studies of romantic relationships are carried out not in real life, but in the lab. Making matters worse, many of these studies involve dating relationships between samples of convenience, consisting of undergraduate students. Though these students are certainly capable of close relationships, many of them haven’t matured enough to know themselves, much less what they want out of a romantic partner.

What better way to find out about love than to survey the experts? Not the psychology experts—the expert members of couples who have been married 10 years or longer. The surprising findings of this study, reported in the prestigious journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, showed not only that many people were still in love even after 10 years of marriage, but also which factors predicted the strength of their passion. As reported by Stony Brook University psychologist K. Daniel O’Leary (2012) and his research team, the findings provided a stark contrast to the typically glum view we have of long-term marriages. Rather than being doomed to a bland, mediocre existence, these couples endorsed their positive feelings toward their spouses with hearty (dare I say) enthusiasm. A whopping 40 percent of those married 10 years or more stated that they were “Very intensely in love”—the highest rating on the scale. Another 15 percent gave their marriages the second-highest rating on the love intensity scale. Perhaps even more surprisingly, those who stuck together for 30 years and more also gave their marriages high ratings with 40 percent of women and 35 percent of men saying that they were very intensely in love. Clearly, many couples are able to maintain high levels of passion as the decades go by well into their middle and later years.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Trapped In The Role Of Being An Emotional Caretaker

/in /by

By Randi Kreger

Are you who are overly empathetic, self-sacrificing, generous, perfectionistic, deferential, more willing to put other’s needs before your own, and uncomfortable with conflict? Then you are more vulnerable to being emotional caretaker, according to Margalis Fjelstad’s new book, Stop Caretaking The Borderline/Narcissist In Your Life: Let Go Of Their Life And get a Life of Your Own (Rowman & Littlefield, Feb 2013).

“Yes” answers to these questions may indicate you’re an emotional caretaker:

Beliefs

  1. Do you have trouble knowing what your limits are?
  2. Do you trust someone else’s view of reality better than you do your own?
  3. Do you hope that sacrificing yourself will make your partner want to fill your needs?
  4. Do you believe that your love can heal your partner?
  5. Do you see your job as fixing others and/or making them happy?
  6. Do you aspire to perfection you never can seem to reach?
  7. Is “selfish” the worst thing a person could can say about you?
  8. Do you believe in a lot of “should’s” and “shouldn’ts” and other rules?
  9. Do you believe it’s your obligation to continually “prove” that you love your partner?
  10. Do you believe in rigid roles for males and females?

Feelings

  1. Do you feel guilty if you talk about your partner to other people?
  2. Do you feel like nothing without a partner? Is a bad relationship better than none at all?
  3. Do you have low self-esteem; unworthy as you are?
  4. Are you angry a lot of the time?
  5. Do you distrust your partner, even though you think trust is essential for good relationships?
  6. Do you usually lack chemistry with kind, stable, reliable people?
  7. Do you need to be needed, or are you attracted to needy people?
  8. Do you seek approval from others?
  9. Do fear, obligation and guilt guide the way you behave in relationships?
  10. Do you have more empathy for your partner than she has for you?
  11. Do you feel responsible for other people’s emotions?
  12. Do you obsess about your partner?
  13. Do you feel isolated, depressed, hopeless, or helpless?
  14. Do you feel guilty for having thoughts and feelings that are different from those of your partner?
  15. Do you love your partner for who they are right now, or who you wish them to be?
  16. Are you preoccupied with dreams and wishes that could be rather than the reality of your relationship now?
  17. Do you detest conflict and try to avoid it?

Actions

  1. Do you have a hard time setting boundaries?
  2. Do you routinely give more than you get in relationships in an effort to try to please?
  3. Do you ignore your own needs or have trouble taking care of yourself?
  4. Have you ever lied or kept secrets about your partner’ behavior?
  5. Do you usually defer to your partner’s wants even though he rare does the same for you?
  6. Do you usually bow to your partner’s demands even when it hurts, such as cutting people out of your life?
  7. Do you protect your partner from the consequences of his negative behaviors?
  8. Do other people tell you that you shouldn’t put up with your partner’s behavior?
  9. Do you distrust this advice, even though you agree with them about most things?
  10. Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior?
  11. When the excuse no longer applies, do you come up with a new one?
  12. Do you assume most of the responsibility for household chores and daily responsibilities?
  13. If you are a man, does your partner lay her hands on you in any way?
  14. Do you tell yourself you can take it because you’re bigger than her?
  15. Do you have trouble standing up for yourself and acting in your own best interests?
  16. Do you do things for other people that they can do for themselves?
  17. Have you gone back to the relationship after spending time with the authorities for false accusations?
  18. Do you stay fiercely attached to other people and situations even when you know you’re being damaged?

According to Dr. Fjelstad, who has a private psychotherapy practice in Ft. Collins, CO, emotional caretakers are fixers and rescuers who often have had a borderline or narcissistic family member.

As a caretaker, she says, it is your job to please and take care of the BP/NP first and foremost. To do this you will have learned to ignore your own needs, adapted to a highly emotional tense and chaoticenvironment, and become hyper-vigilant to the BP/NP’s emotional reactions. Your job is to do everything that the BP/NP is not willing or able to do, give in to whatever the BP/NP wants, and carefully monitor the family’s image in the community.

CLICK HERE to read more.

WIFE (Aiyana) caught HUSBAND (Ayize) Looking At Another Womans Butt + Outtake at End

/in , /by

VIDEO: by Ayize Ma’at When you are in a relationship it’s extremely important that trust and respect are present. If one of these key ingredients is missing it’s likely the other is absent as well. In this webisode we show you what trust is all about as we discuss an incident where my wife caught me looking at another woman’s booty. Yup…..I, Ayize Ma’at, a faithful husband and devoted marriage educator find other women besides my wife attractive. However, I as a marriage educator and loving / respectful husband am intentional about managing my emotions and appetite so i’m not investing in……everything I’m interested in. The ONLY “bank” where I make my deposits is owned and operated by my wonderful wife….Aiyana.

A Black Woman’s Worth

/in , , /by

By Darrell A. Cador

In the midst of all that was, is, and is to be, the one consistency in the life of a Black Man is the presence of his cherished Black Woman. Whether he’s aware of this or not is a matter of perspective. Yet, her profound role in the evolution of this uncrowned king is truly unmatched.

‘Do Black Men Still Want Us?’ was the question that blazed the cover of a popular magazine. To all of my beautiful, intelligent, multi-talented, multi-dimensional, heart-warming, free-spirited, sumptuous, sensual, mind-blowing Black sisters who desire an answer to such an inquiry, you need look no further than the question itself. Black Men Still Do. And not only do we still want the most prized and treasured possession on earth…but we need you!

We yearn for you the way a flower yearns for the sun: For without you, existence is difficult if not impossible. We long for you the way fish long for the ocean: For life begins to end the moment we are separated from you. And we desire you the way a Black Man desires his Black Woman: For only Chocolate Stars can make little chocolate bars.
Too often a particular value is place on you, which, honestly, makes me laugh. The Hope Diamond, in all its marveled brilliancy, appears as nothing more than a dollar store paperweight compared to you. How foolish is it to put a price on something so priceless.

And by all means, my dark-skinned, light-skinned, fair-skinned sisters, if nothing else, always be mindful of the resilient gene pool from whence you came. A mere one out of five slaves survived the physical, mental, and spiritual horrors of the Middle Passage. And you, in all your strength, beauty, and allure, are direct descendants of those determined few. A Black woman’s worth is worth more than the world will ever know. And as long as you know, trust, and believe this, my sister…then so shall we.

Darrell A. Cador is an author and lover of quality fiction who stumbled into writing in 1999 when he came across several working computers headed for the scrap heap after they were determined by office managers to be non Y2K compliant. Inspired by the works of those who’ve come before him, Darrell strives to be a writer who’ll one day inspire the next generation of writers destined to make their own mark in the literary world. When he isn’t crafting his next novel Darrell keeps busy writing stage play scripts, screenplays, and collections of poetic verse. Born and reared in our nation’s capital, Darrell now resides in Mount Rainier, Md. with his lovely wife Jacqueline and their five children. http://www.darrellacador.com/

Is Your Marriage Problem Severe Enough To Warrant Getting A Divorce?

/in /by

By Karl Augustine

Having a marriage problem can be agonizing especially if you’re trying to do all you can to make your marriage work. Depending on how your marriage was prior to thinking that you had a marriage problem, you could be in for a hurtful time if you don’t take a step back and look at your marriage problem from a “helicopter” viewpoint. To do that, you’re going to need to try to limit your emotional stake in the situation which admittedly is a difficult thing to do.

The first step in getting over a marriage problem is to remember that you aren’t alone, lots of couples have marriage problems that stem from all kinds of different types of behavior.

Here’s a partial list of marriage problems that you may or may not be experiencing:

Marriage problem #1: Lack of sexual intimacy – a serious issue that you must work through in my opinion if your going to work it out.

Marriage problem #2: Exploding during an argument, getting too emotional and letting your temper get the best of you – you need to learn to work together and you can’t do that if one of you is getting too heated.

Marriage problem #3: Being selfish – eventually this will catch up to you. You should always think of your partner when you think of yourself.

Marriage problem #4: Being dishonest – another serious issue. If you cannot be 100% honest and open with your mate, you’re marriage is most likely doomed or at the very least unhappy.

Marriage problem #5: Teasing too much – generally the husband does this but it could go either way. If there’s a little bit of truth to the teasing or there’s a greater marriage problem that incites the teasing, you could be in for a long road to recovery together. Chances are that you’ll have a lot more work to do to correct this marriage problem.

Marriage problem #6: Not respecting your spouse – this marriage problem can result in all types of other problems. If you are experiencing this you must get to the root of this and figure out why the disrespect is present. If you aren’t getting the every day respect that you deserve, make it a priority to not let this go on another day.

Marriage problem #7: Not being attentive to your spouse or not listening to your spouse – men are usually guilty of this marriage problem but is isn’t exclusive to the weaker gender by any means. Really listening doesn’t mean obeying, it means understanding what’s important to your spouse and acting accordingly.

Obviously there are many other things that could be labeled a “marriage problem”, you have to decide what those are as they pertain to your situation.

So, how do you figure out if a marriage problem or problems are severe enough to warrant a divorce?

You should first examine what your marriage problem actually is and decide if it is exclusively a problem for you or if it is something that you both consider to be a marriage problem. If you are the only one who sees the said action as a marriage problem, you have to decide whether or not that specific marriage problem is being caused by you or whether it is truly a problem brought on by your spouse. If the marriage problem is unique to you, seek some help from a counselor and do yourself the courtesy of trying to correct the problem before you believe that you need to run right out and get a divorce. You’ll be a better person for it because you will have fixed something within yourself.

However, if you truly believe that the marriage problem is caused and prolonged by your spouse, sit down with yourself first and examine what you believe to be the root cause of the behavior that creates the marriage problem. Make sure that you are being logical when you identify the behavior that you feel is causing the marriage problem and try to recall if the traits or behavior that you’ve identified in your spouse are ‘fixable’ in your mind…assuming of course, that your spouse will agree that you are right.

Next, approach your spouse with the information that you’ve reflected on and try to talk through the cause of the marriage problem. Hopefully your spouse will be open to constructive discussion regarding the marriage problem so you can work through it together. If you cannot do work on the marriage problem together, seek the help of a mediator or marriage counselor so you can actually talk out the marriage problem logically. If you cannot work it out after counseling, deep self-reflection and discussions, you should be able to decide whether or not the marriage problem warrants a divorce or not.

Of course, no one can decide this but you.

Karl Augustine Author, “A Practical Guide To Deciding Whether Or Not To Get A Divorce”. *A resource recommended by marriage counselors to their clients. 
http://www.deciding-on-divorce.com/marriage-problem.htm

 

Stay Connected During The Holiday Season With These 6 Steps

/in /by

By Margarita Tartakovsky, M.S

Even though the holidays are about loved ones, they somehow don’t leave much time for couples to connect. Between added responsibilities and family obligations, it might seem like you’re spending less and less time together. Or maybe quantity isn’t the issue, but quality time is.

“It is very important for couples to remember that although they are integral parts of their extended families, and for couples with children, integral parts of creating rituals and memories for their children, they also — first and foremost — have a commitment to each other,” said Nikki Massey-Hastings, PsyD, a clinical psychologist who works with couples.

But while connecting might be tricky, it’s absolutely possible. Here are six ideas for reducing stress and staying connected during the bustling holiday season.

 

1. Be selective.

Talk to your partner about the events you’ll attend. “Decide where you will go for which holiday, and alternate the choices every year,” said Mudita Rastogi, Ph.D, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Arlington Heights, Ill. Being selective with your holiday plans minimizes stress and lets you enjoy the events you do attend, she said.

2. Be fair.

When making plans, don’t shoot down your partner’s ideas. As Rastogi said, “If hubby insists on spending the whole weekend with Grandpa Henry, try to understand why.”

And brainstorm a variety of solutions. For instance, she said, you might drive separately to an event.

3. Have special traditions.

You probably have a number of traditions with your extended family, Massey-Hastings said. For instance, you might eat your holiday meal at the same place every year or have a specific way of opening presents, she said. And if you have kids, you might take them to the same holiday attractions, she said.

Traditions that involve the two of you are just as important. These rituals help to bolster your bond, Massey-Hastings said. And they protect against potential stressors that might come up from spending time with your extended family — for instance, your traditions might include selecting a new ornament every year or enjoying a special holiday date.

4. Sneak in together time.

Cook an interesting meal together, go to the movies or use your time in the car to catch up, Rastogi said. Even if you’re at someone else’s home for the holidays or hosting loved ones, carve out some alone time.

For instance, go to your room 30 minutes before you need to sleep, wake up 30 minutes before you need to start getting ready, go for a walk or run errands together, Massey-Hastings said. If you have kids, this time without mom and dad helps them bond with their other relatives, she said.

5. Get creative together.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Three Thoughtful Reasons NOT To Change A Man

/in , /by

By Priya Shah

This article could have been titled “Three Thoughtful Reasons NOT To Change A Person,” because it applies to everyone, man or woman. But since women are usually the ones trying to change men, it seemed more appropriate to address it to you girls.

If there’s one thing that all those years of married life have taught me, it’s that attempting to change a man is an exercise in futility. But my reasons for not trying to change men have less to do with resigning myself to undesirable behaviour, than with mutual respect and consideration for a man’s feelings.

Here’s why I think it’s not fair to men that we keep trying to change them.

1. He’s entitled to his opinions and free will

I’m a big believer in a person’s right to exercise his free will. As long as he blames no one but himself and is willing to accept the consequences of his actions, a man should have the right to make his own mistakes and learn from them.

Respect his opinions and let him be. And the next time you try to make him change his ways, imagine how YOU would feel if the tables were turned.

2. He will never change for the wrong reasons

The wrong reasons include threats, manipulation, coercion and other underhanded methods. And no, you’re not allowed to use hypnosis or sex either. Play fair.

3. He will change only for the right reasons

The right reasons are inner-driven, and arise only when his actions create enough pain for him to desperately want to make a change. When he is sufficiently motivated to change, he’ll do it regardless of your wanting him to do it.

If he does decide to change, support him every step of the way, and get help for him and yourself. And what should I do if he doesn’t want to change, you say?

Well, then you don’t have too many options, and the ones you have may not be all that attractive. But here’s what you can do if his actions are causing you pain.

– Let Him Know

Your man may not even be aware that his behaviour is affecting you adversely. After all he’s not as intuitive as you are and can’t read your mind. So tell him what you feel. If he cares a lot about you, he may be motivated to change.

– Change Yourself

Susan Page, author of “How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together,” believes that for every action there is always an equal, opposite reaction, and that one person’s fundamental shift toward “good will” can lay the foundation for a better relationship. Based on that premise, all it should take to change your man is to change yourself.

I have my reservations about this approach, but don’t really see any harm in trying it as long as you don’t go overboard in trying to change yourself for his benefit. If it doesn’t change him it might help you deal with some of your own issues.

– Give Up Control

What are you anyway, some kind of control freak? You only have control over your own thoughts and actions, not over the actions of other people. Your penance is to say the “Serenity Prayer” out loud ten times a day. Go do it now, girl.

– Live With It

If you can convince yourself that his behaviour is not all that bad, or you’ve already invested too much in the relationship to leave, then learn to live with it, desensitise, detach, or minimise your exposure to it. It’ll prepare you well for learning to live with his mother.

– Walk, Leave, Vamoose

If his behaviour is too painful, if its affecting your health and self-esteem, then the kindest thing you can do for both of you, is to walk away from the situation.

Sometimes the best option is to make a fresh start. That way you’ll be able to attract someone more suited to your needs the next time around.

Priya Shah writes about self-improvement http://www.soulkadee.com and women’s empowerment http://www.empoweredwomenworkshop.com Click here for relationship tips and advice http://www.healthy-relationships.net

Saving Your Marriage Needs “ONE” Vital Ingredient!

/in , , /by

By Steve East

No marriage is perfect. That is a given.

 

Yours might be “on the rocks,” with an additional burden of discovering that your spouse “cheated” on you! It might seem hopeless at the moment, but there is one method that really “works” to save the whole situation.

 

I will propose a special plan that will include one crucial bit of advice.

 

First, are you experiencing the following symptoms?

 

Tense “discussions” over and over again

 

Playing the “silence” game

 

Avoidance of intimacy

 

Let me share this observation (about saving a marriage). It is NOT going to happen overnight. It will take some effort to make it work.

 

But, it can still be FUN!

 

There is almost no other way, let me explain.

 

You might be thinking to yourself ” how can this possibly be something enjoyable?” Like as if you are on the sinking “Titanic” and decide to dance to the music being played by the doomed band!

 

So, bear with me here. After weeks (or months) of negative emotions and miserable relations, here is what has to be done to rekindle the romance. Don’t forget, when you first met, something had to be very special between you two to convince each other to get married.

 

Step one:

Have a drink, then after that, sit down together on the sofa (each with a piece of paper). Write down five ideas for a special “date” to do something really interesting and exciting that you would truly enjoy sharing.

 

Then, compare and take the best ideas from each of you.

 

Step two:

With the “best agreed idea,” start to plan right away how to put it in action. Grab a calendar, circle the date and commit to following it through. Don’t let anything get in the way of this. Drop everything, and make this priority one.

 

This is extremely important right now. This seemingly simple action will help to move things forward instead of backwards!

 

It will show that you are both serious about rebuilding your relationship despite the ugly setbacks.

 

Step three:

The rules for your secret date are as follows.

 

A) Only the two of you are allowed to participate.

 

B) Commit to make a real effort to relax.

 

C) For this one night, do not bring up any potentially explosive issues. Be aware of the sensitive topics and forget about them for one evening.

 

D) Have some fun, smile, laugh and try to remember what it was like on your “real” first date.

 

E) Touch each other and try looking into each others’ eyes.

 

To summarize, it is crucial to inject “fun” into the complicated equation of restoring your marriage into a permanent union. That is the one ingredient necessary for this to work out. When you experience the joys of your early days over again, it will seem less traumatic to “forgive” the mistakes that were made before. The past cannot be changed, but the future can be wonderful if you both move on.

You Are Not Your Parents: Learn From Their Strengths & Their Shortcomings

/in , , /by

By Aiyana Ma’at

I cannot begin to tell you how many times over the years I’ve sat with clients and talked about…….their parents and the impact that their parents (whether present or absent) are having on their lives and the life of their relationship. To truly know yourself and grow there’s no detour around your parents. Love em’ or hate em’, these two people are a significant part of your emotional make-up and why you do what you do.

I love when individuals and couples aren’t afraid to stir up the pot and examine the relationship they had and have with their parents. Why?  Because genuine emotional and mental freedom and insight lies in your ability to disentangle yourself from their worst traits and embody the best.

Who you are often reflects who your parents were. While growing up, it’s often monkey see, monkey do. For better or worse, you emulate (often without awareness) your parents strengths and faults. If your mother was anxious and always worrying, chances are you have some of that within you. If your father was an absolute optimist, that came through too. For example, my mother is one who always encourages the search for insight into self. That is very much who I am. My father was a true risk taker who believed that you can create whatever kind of life you so desire. Well, that ideal runs thick through my blood too.

Sometimes, in an attempt to be different from our parents, we may develop completely opposite emotional coping styles. For example, my mother can be quick to assess, analyze…and basically judge so it’s not a surprise to me that my motto is “There is more than one way” and that I am always emphasizing our need as people to stop judging so much. My father tended to avoid “certain conversations and situations” and today I highly value (productive) confrontation and hate having “unaddressed issues” hanging around. But, these styles also deserve examination so that instead of simply doing the opposite of what your parents did, you can find a truly authentic and balanced way to be.

The bottom line: Examining who your parents have been and are today and how their personalities and ways have shaped you can throw you light years ahead in your personal development and grow a better and more insightful you.  Your boo won’t be able to help but sing your praises because YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE ELEVATED FROM THE WORK YOU PUT IN. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

  ——————————————————–

 CLICK HERE for INDIVIDUAL or COUPLES COACHING

CLICK HERE to get your RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT

CLICK HERE to have an opportunity to TELL YOUR STORY ABOUT INFIDELITY ON NATIONAL T.V.

CLICK HERE to learn how to improve the quality of your SEX & INTIMACY

CLICK HERE to get our incredible COMMUNICATION PACKAGE so you can connect like you deserve to.

Buy Now

Buy Now