Are We Ruining Our Women?

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

I hear men complaining about damaged women all of the time. If you were to listen to most men, you would believe that we are always the correct and sane sex, while women  are crazy and always wrong. Too bad life is never really that black and white. Long before the book “Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus” was written, men and women knew that we could not have come from the same planet. In all honesty men and women really don’t see eye to eye on most subjects. At the same time though, we see and know more than we  let on that we see and know.

I’ve written before that “Men are Vultures” because like the bird, we like to attack what we consider to be weaker prey. Men love opportunity and we will pounce on you when you are at your weakest point. Unless a man has been hiding under a rock all of his life, he generally knows the biggest weaknesses of women. Like a trained boxer, if he sees a cut under your eye, he will keep punching at it so that he can exploit it. This is why I can’t defend men completely when women attack us for our misdeeds.

Back in the day men used to lie to women in order to get what they wanted. Over time we realized that there was no need to lie. We can now tell you the truth and still get the same results but without the negative names and labels that women used to apply to our deceit. At some point most women have heard “I am not looking for a serious relationship”. If you haven’t heard it, trust me you will. That is the famous clause that both men and women use however the “male lawyer mind” has perfected it.

Telling a woman that we are not looking for a serious relationship is our way of saying, just in case something goes wrong with this little “agreement” we have, you don’t have grounds to disrespect me or be upset because I told you so from the beginning. If you look back at my article, “Your Weaknesses Used Against You,” you will see I have written that men know exactly what we are doing when we tell you we are not looking for anything serious. We know that women tend to say that they are cool with this arrangement at first but the law of averages will tell you, that most women cannot handle It. The man thinks that because we can say “I told you so,” we are somehow exonerated.

Men, like women, love to be in relationships. The difference between the sexes is that at some point women tend to want one man and men tend to want many women with that main woman leading the pack. Men want the benefits of being in a relationship but do not want the responsibility of the relationship. So he is willing to take you out, come over  your house to watch “Love Jones,” and in many cases spend quality time with you doing whatever. He will unofficially be your man but trust me, he officially still believes that he is not your man.

Deep down fellas, we are ruining our women because we use what we know are their weaknesses against them, for our own selfish gain. If you know that women think a certain way and you still choose to do certain things, you should hold yourself accountable for your dishonesty. You are purposely riding this gravy train and in many cases are purposely being misleading. You really don’t care that she will be hurt in this, all you care about is getting what you can get for as long as you can get it.

I understand that this is frustrating for both sides. On one hand we are telling women the truth. One the other hand women claim to understand and maybe even believe that they can survive the “just friends” category, yet both sides are GUILTY! Men are guilty because we know the results of this game before we start to play and women are guilty for deciding to play and then screaming foul once the game gets heated.
For my future daughters, I hope that men will change and learn to be more responsible. At the same time, if men never change I write this so that my future daughters and other women will decide not to get caught up in this foolish game.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.  Connect with Ilex at Iamsayingit.blogspot.com or via email at ilexbienaime@gmail.com

Is Marriage For White People? That’s A Dumb-A*% Question!

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Okay, so pardon my profanity in the title of this article. But, that’s how I really feel. I haven’t said much in response to the book “Is Marriage For White People” by Stanford Law Professor Ralph Richard Banks. The book has received a whole lot of press and Professor Banks has gotten a whole lot of attention but we haven’t commented over here at BLAM because frankly, the title to the book is stupid and annoying.

Before I go on let me be clear this is not a review or analysis of the book. Rather, this is a response to all of the articles and television programs that are giving so much attention to not only the book but that question in and of itself.

Is Marriage For White People? Really? Let me ask you this.

Is Education For White People?

Is Raising Children For White People?

Is Home Ownership For White People?

Uhhhh….No.

Do people in general, and black folks in particular, have certain psycho-socio-economic hills to climb when it comes to restoring our relationships and our families? Yes.

Are there things that we as a people can do much better at when it comes to learning how to express our love to our children in whole and healthy ways? You bet.

Do we need to pay closer attention to the profound impact of poverty in our communities and learn the skills necessary to build generational wealth in our families and communities?  I am screaming an emphatic Yes!!, Yes!!, yes!!!

And, even with this knowledge that we have some significantly serious things to work on I (as well as most folks) don’t ask stupid questions like “Is Marriage For White People?”. All communities have things they need to work on. Do we hear other communities giving concentrated consideration to “tapping out” and saying “I’m tired of this, let’s just give up”.

And, yes that’s the message that the title “Is Marriage For White People” is generating in our community and beyond—that we should just abandon our own restoration. And, like a colleague and friend of mine, Ronnie Harris Tyler, of BlackAndMrriedWithKids.com, recently said on Headline News “It’s Dangerous”.

Not only is it dangerous, stupid, and annoying—-but it’s a DUMB ASS QUESTION.

Black Folks, don’t be distracted. Let’s keep building. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.


A Married Couples Biggest Mistake-Don’t Let It Happen In Your Marriage

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By Tzvi Nightingale

Not long ago I heard about a couple who were calling it quits and getting a divorce. They are not new in their marriage. In fact, they have been married for many years. The gentleman explained to me that it was not over anything dramatic such as an affair or significant change in finances, but simply that they “had grown apart.”

It always saddens me when I hear this because I know this could have very easily been avoided. I am sure there were many things I am unaware of that went on in the privacy of his marriage, and while I understand that each relationship is unique, there are nevertheless certain truths and rules of relationships that breed success, or failure  as the case may be here.

“Growing apart” is a slow and insidious process that many couples are not even aware of happening to them before it is too late.

It goes kinda like this: When a couple first meet they are very excited about one another. There is energy and discovery in the relationship and they spend tons of time together getting to know one another. The courtship process continues this way until the big day, the wedding, and then some. The first years are hopeful, energetic, happy and bursting with excitement.

But as the years go by and the young couple settles into a certain routine, new events enter and creep into their lives….

There is making a living, a child or two or three show up;

they have their interests, some shared, most not.

The job(s) have their demands, kids get older; there is carpool, homework, after school activities.

They look for and buy a home and that too has many demands of time, energy and effort.

Not only is there mortgage, but new furnishings, fixing old ones, a sprinkler system that always seems to be on the blink, redoing the bathroom, getting rid of the old smelly carpet and “shall we choose laminated wood, engineered wood or solid; how about bamboo, I hear it is eco-friendly?”

And so the older the couple gets, the more stuff happens in their lives that demand their time and attention. And while all of these issues are certainly important, the couple finds that they no longer have time and energy for each other. Their relationship gets relegated to the back-burner because there are so many imminent and important things to take care of. And lo and behold, before they know it, not only is that spark from their dating days long dead, there is very little sharing happening between them. They gradually become estranged from each other.

If this couple who are now in their 20th year of marriage would go back in time and revisit those days of early courtship, they would find something fascinating. They would see that when they told their friends that they had “just met the greatest guy/gal in the world,” they didn’t describe him/her like this:

“He is so terrific, he is going to make every mortgage payment on time and not only that, but every car payment too!… and for two cars!… and both cars will be luxury vehicles!!” He certainly did not tell his friends, “She’s the best… she is going to be so good at car pooling and making sure the house is clean and orderly and I just know that she is going to find the best pediatrician for our kids once we have some!!”

And while it is true that making mortgage and car payments on time are important, and finding a good pediatrician and caring for the kids is as well, this is not why you married this person. You married them because of who they are as a person, because you enjoyed spending time and sharing life with them. You married them for their soul, for their spirit, for who they are and not for what they would do or accomplish.

If you don’t fight for your relationship, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies.

But people forget that and lose sight of it because when they first dated it came naturally and effortlessly. But once real life happened and there was more on the table, they forget that they now have to make much more of an effort to be with one another. They didn’t shift gears to realize they have to fight for their time to be intimate – and I don’t just mean physically (although that too). They never told their kids, “No, it’s Daddy and Mommy’s time” and didn’t do the same to their jobs, their blackberrys, their computers and every other important obligation that seemed more pressing than each other.

Because if you don’t fight for your relationship, if you don’t nurture it, if you fail to constantly monitor it, then like every other thing that is neglected, it wilts and it dies. Maybe not the first day or week or month or year, but eventually it will … ever so slowly.

A couple “grows apart” because they failed to put in the necessary care and time to ensure that they grow together and toward each other. And while every couple is guilty of this on some level, those who have an awareness of its danger have a chance at ensuring it doesn’t harm their relationship beyond repair.

So put down your iPhone, get away from the computer, tell your kids to get lost (in a nice way), forget Home Depot and go get your spouse, get a bottle of wine, have a drink, look her in the eye and recapture what you had when you first dated her so very long ago.

Rabbi Tzvi Nightingale is Director of Aish South Florida. Tzvi grew up in Toronto, Canada, home of the perennially losing Toronto Maple Leafs ice hockey team. He is a husband and contributing writer at Aish.com.

I Have To Holla At My Man

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By Lana Moline

Tonight at about 9:15pm, long after the kids are asleep and we’ve both showered, I’m going to holla at my man. It’s been a minute since we’ve had one of these talks and I just can’t wait any longer. With all the running, working and responsibilities of life maybe I neglected to put this bug in his ear. Don’t get me wrong I tell him “I love you” every day and kiss him good morning and good night but this is something that I just haven’t said. It’s sort of an announcement or a declaration if you will. Tonight, I’m going to tell him just how much I miss my boyfriend.

My boyfriend used to send me text messages telling me how nice I look in my jeans and whisper things that still makes me blush while driving home at speeds that I am grateful no cops witnessed. He used to reassure me every day that I am the woman of his dreams and that nothing or no one is more important than me. He wasn’t afraid to be goofy or vulnerable, all in the name of love. He would sing “My Girl” with all the moves and spin and even attempt to drop down on one knee just to see me smile. I don’t know where he went but today I’ve got to get him back.

His timbs and nikes have been replaced with loafers and dress shoes. Don’t get me wrong, I love a man in a suit but there is nothing like a brother spitting game all donned in gear that says “I’m fresh off the b-ball court with like mike dreams.” Tickets to the games are replaced by business meetings filled with people with dollar signs in their eyes. No more rap sessions, house parties or get-togethers on the weekends, that’s the time to organize and plan for next week.

So when I holla at him I will not prepare a PowerPoint or pie chart. I will not give him statistics or websites that support my claim. I’m simply going to look him in the eye and tell him that I know his time is limited but I have 3 points I want him to know. I miss having fun and laughing until my side hurts. I miss the look he used to give me from across the room even if we were in church and I still want him – tonight!

Lana Moline is a freelance writer and poet who lives in Fort Worth with her husband and three kids. She has been married 11 years and understands that marriage truly is a journey that is sometimes complicated by our own thoughts, perceptions and feelings. Visit her at her blog LanaSuccess4Kids.

Women…What Do You Think Contributes To Marriage Stability?

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By Thesigan Nadarajan

It is the hope of the author that this article will be of theoretical and practical use to the readers (especially those who are married) to understand that marriage stability is not only possible but attainable. However, it requires couples to work together as partners to make their marriage a stable and life-long experience. Stable marriages are not made in heaven but are developed here on earth with passion, intimacy and decision for commitment.

What is marital stability?

Marital stability is not the absence of marital problems but the presence of passion, intimacy, and commitment that keeps the marriage intact until its dissolution through natural causes like death of one of the spouses (Sternberg, 1986). It is to be noted on the onset that the principles in this article are applicable to men also. The description of marriage stability lists three vital components for marital stability namely passion, intimacy and decision for commitment. Let’s examine them one by one.

Three Components to Marital Stability

Passion

Passion: physical attraction.

The component of passion includes physical attractions, romance, and sexual satisfactions. What attracts a man to a woman like a honey bird to honey? What is the honey in women? The answer is simple. Physical attractions! Physical attractions are subjective and can range from attractions to body parts (shapely torso, big breasts, and rounded buttocks) to other criterias like foxy facials, angelic smile, and fragranced body smells.  Physical attractions draws even the most dreamy and listless men into complete attention. Even in collective societies that practices arranged marriages, physical attraction is one of the criterias for bride selection.

This is supported by empirical research that says that attractive women are perceived “as more occupationally and interpersonally competent, better adjusted, and more socially appealing” (Dion, Berscheid, & Walster, 1972). Attractive women do also receive differential treatment such as “more attention, cooperation, and help and tend to have more positive interactions” (Langlois et al., 2000). So attractive women are not only perceived in a positive light but given preferential treatments. So marital stability is guaranteed to all attractive women, is this so? If it was so, the gossip blogs won’t be carrying the latest separation and divorce news among the beautiful people (women and men). In other words, physical attraction alone does not guarantee marriage stability. Physical attractions only draw the potential mates to the next experience.

Passion: romance.

Romance can be conceptualized as a form of attachment between two persons that comprises qualities like “intense fascination with the other person, distress at separation, and efforts to stay close and spend time together” with possible sexual contact (Hazan & Shaver, 1987).

To analyze a romantic couple, ask the following questions: 1) Are they fascinated with each other? 2) Are the distressed at even short separations? 3) Do they make efforts to stay close and spend time together? 4) Do they have sex (optional)? Even if the answers to these four questions are positive by three, than what you have is romance in full blossom.

As a woman who is married, besides being physically attractive (not compulsory), are you in a romantic relationship or experience with your husband? If the answer is yes, than your marriage still has passion in it. If no, than the answer to the next question would determine whether passion is completely dead in your marriage.

Passion: sexual satisfactions.

Do you have sex frequently? If the answer is no and at the same time you don’t have a romantic relationship, the passion in your marriage is dead. Which means your marriage is headed for problems. It must be remembered that couples who are physically unable to have sex (due to age or sickness) still can have a romantic relationship in their marriage. It is only when even romance is absent in a marriage that marital problems develops.

Do you enjoy having sex? If the answer is yes, then your sexual cognition is healthy. But let’s say in the absence of physical discomfort, pain or physiological restrictions, you do not enjoy sex – the chances are, you are suffering from cognitive distortions. A cognitive distortion (erroneous thinking or perception) affects decision making and behaviours. Let’s say your cognitive distortions perceives the enjoyment of sex as not spiritual, you might be having a religious cognitive distortion. Let’s say your cognitive distortions perceive that a committed marriage does not need sex to sustain it, you might be suffering from severe puritanical misconceptions. Whatever your cognitive distortions, you must understand that the enjoyment of sex in a normal couple is natural and healthy. Any suppression or prohibition to sexual satisfaction will lead to marriage instability (Young, Luquis, Denny, & Young, 1998).

Do you experiment while having sex? If the answer is yes, that indicates that you are enjoying your sexual experiences. If the answer is no, than chances are you are suffering from sexual prejudices. As with all prejudices, sexual prejudices are negative attitudes developed from negative beliefs and values.  When you are confronted with questions like, can we have oral or anal sex? Can we make love on an open beach? If you’re immediate and automatic answer is a no, than there is a need to explore your core sexual beliefs and values. The reason is your core sexual beliefs and values can be in conflict with your spouse. What if your spouse is open to experimentations and you are not, will you at least be open to examine your differences to arrive at a collaborative arrangement? If the answer is yes than the problems of sexual dissatisfactions may not arise. If the answer no than it is highly probable that sexual dissatisfaction will arise. Any unresolved sexual dissatisfactions in a normal couple affects the passion in their marriage. By the way there is no taboo in a mutually consented sexual relationship of lovers or married partners.

Intimacy

As an attractive (not compulsory) woman whose marriage is passionate, you will experience a feeling of closeness, connectedness and bondedness. What do these feelings mean?

Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.

Feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness in marriage are not just feelings of physical proximity but are psychological feelings. Let’s assume that your husband travels abroad frequently which means you experience frequent physical separations. But does that mean you experience a psychological separation also? Yes, if you had not used previous times when he was present by your side in an atmosphere of intimacy.

If while he is around, you had been spending intimate time with him, two things would happen. First, your husband and you would be so primed by each other’s closeness, connectedness, and bondedness that you will be in each other’s minds and feelings even when you are physically separated. This priming would cause you both to anticipate for each other. This is how you develop psychological proximity priming that remains even in physical separation. If while he was by your side, you prioritized the precious time on all other matters except spending intimate time with your spouse, than there will be no development of psychological proximity priming that creates an anticipation for each other.

If stated crudely, an intimately primed husband wants to return for more intimacy, while an intimacy starved husband will not be in a hurry to return as there is nothing to look forward in returning. These techniques have been both knowingly and unknowingly employed by mistresses to keep their men returning to them. In responding intimately to their men, mistresses create the following psychological feelings in them: 1) Feelings of being valued and highly regarded, 2) Feelings of being cared for, 3) Feelings of mutual sharing including time, attention, love and sexual satisfaction, 4) Feelings of receiving understanding and emotional support, and lastly, 5) Feelings of being listen to in anything they have to disclose without the fear of betrayal. Now, these feelings projected by mistresses and perceived by their men can be real or an illusion. But the feelings (1-5) are that any close, connected, and bonded relationship should have in order for it to be intimate. In short, psychological closeness, connectedness, and bondedness involve feelings of intimacy and not just sexual satisfaction only.

If wives after and in marriage behave like mistresses, the actual mistresses will be losing out to the wives. It is because wives lose their intimacy and become mere wives (without feelings of intimacy) that husbands look for mistresses who seems to fill the intimacy vacuum. So if before marriage you were a lover, it would be in your interest to continue to be a lover first and then a wife.  This is the first ingredient to having feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness

Decision for Commitment

A passionate and intimate relationship leads to the decision for commitment in marriage. What does the decision for commitment in marriage means? There are two stages in the decision for commitment in marriage. The first is when a couple deliberately and consciously decide independently and together to build a marital relationship. This is the intention stage. The second is when the couple deliberately and consciously decides to maintain the marital relationship and endure any hardships, obstacles or problems that they may encounter to make the marriage last. This is the commitment stage.

So if as a woman you want a stable marriage that lasts a life-time, work with your partner to develop passion, intimacy and the decision for commitment in marriage. Be a passionate, intimate and a committed lover first and wife second. You will realize that your stable marriage is developed by you and your spouse here and now on earth, while waiting to go to heaven later.

Self-Report Questionnaire

The author would like to conclude by leaving this self-report questionnaire for the reader’s assessment of themselves and for reflecting upon their own answers.

1.  Do you want a stable marriage that lasts a life-time?

2.   Do you believe that marriages are developed on earth and not made in heaven?

3.  Do you accept that the principles in this article are for both wife and husband?

4.  Do you believe in physical attraction?

5.  Do you want romance?

6.  Do you have and give sexual satisfaction?

7.  Do you have sexual taboos?

8.  Do you practice a passionate relationship?

9.  Do you value and highly regard your spouse?

10.  Do you care for your spouse?

11.  Do you mutually share time, attention, love and sexual satisfaction with your spouse?

12.  Do you understand and emotionally support your spouse?

13.  Do you listen to anything your spouses have to disclose without betraying him /her?

14.  Do you practice an intimate relationship?

15.  Did you deliberately and consciously decide both independently and together with your spouse to build your marital relationship?

16.  Did you deliberately and consciously decide to maintain your marital relationship and endure any hardships, obstacles or problems that you may encounter to make your marriage last?

17.  Are you ready for passion, intimacy and decision for commitment in your marriage?

REFERENCE

Dion, K. K., Berscheid, E., & Walster, E. (1972). What is beautiful is good. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 24, 285–290.

Hazan, C., & Shaver, P.R. (1990). Love and work: An attachment- theoretical perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 59, 270-280.

Langlois, J. H., Kalakanis, L., Rubenstein, A. J., Larson, A., Hallam, M., & Smoot, M. (2000). Maxims or myths of beauty?: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 126, 390–423.

Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A Triangular Theory of Love. Psychological Review, 1986, Vol. 93, No. 2, 119-135.

Young, M., Luquis, R., Denny, G., & Young, T. (1998). Correlates of sexual satisfaction in marriage. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 7, 115–128.

Thesigan Nadarajan is a counseling psychologist. He is available for consultation and training. He can be reached at thesigannadarajan@gmail.com

I Need To Stop Focussing On My Wife’s Faults And Instead Focus On Overcoming Mine

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By Ilex Bien-Aime

I always strive to be transparent with my wife but I realized that maybe I am not being transparent with myself. Maybe it’s easier for me to point out all of the negative traits that she brings to the table and inadvertently gloss over my own. Could I be the one who has not  looked deeply enough into my own destructive patterns? Hopefully in stating my negative attributes, I will understand more how I sometimes cause and escalate some of the tense moments within my household.

I hate being wrong! This, I am sure, is no big surprise to people who know me. I always said that no one likes to be wrong, but I take it to the next level and it pains me to not be right. I will argue something to the death of it just to prove that I am right, even when I really don’t know that I am. I could try to make excuses for my way of thinking on this subject, but it does not matter. No one likes a supposed know-it-all.

I am moody! Sometimes I wake up on the “wrong side” of the bed. There are times when I just want to sit at home and do absolutely nothing and be by myself. You never really pay attention to these things before marriage because dating is different. When dating you call each other when you want to talk and you see each other when you want to see each other. Marriage is every day which leaves no way of hiding your mood swings. The funny thing about this is that I can’t stand moody people!

I am volatile! I do have a very short fuse or what I like to call a “short tolerance for bull crap”. I must admit that I can be quick to become angry and defensive about things. When I feel that someone is trying to attack me or take advantage of me, I attack back. I know that my wife loves me and does not want to cause me pain but I have not fully learned to shut this defense mechanism down. If I feel that she is coming at me wrong, I come back at her and at times the real issue has not been addressed. Being volatile is the way of a foolish man and I know it.

I have too much pride! We have already established that I hate being wrong. Sometimes my pride keeps me from shutting up and conceding. Even when I know myself to be right, my pride keeps me from leaving the matter alone because I am so busy trying to hammer the point home. I can’t lie, it pains me to have to say that I am sorry because that would mean that I did something wrong. The Bible speaks about the foolish pride of man and trust me, it is talking about ME. I don’t brag about this though, because it was pride that got Lucifer kicked out of heaven. Clearly, I need to do better.

I lack tolerance for others opinions! When my wife does not see things as I do, I tend to take it personally. In my mind I guess I feel that she should think exactly like me on everything even though reality lets me know otherwise. I have a certain code that I govern myself by and I guess in my narcissism I feel that she should know and live by that code also. Don’t get me wrong, more times than not my wife will find a compromise and/or understand my point as we talk but that still is not enough for me at times. I guess to me it’s like, “well I can’t believe that you felt that way from the beginning”.

I can’t let things go! People always say that in a marriage, you have to have a short memory. I can’t lie to you, my memory is like and Elephant’s memory……. on steroids! Sometimes I have the tendency to hold onto things that should have been resolved a while back. Even when I try to let these things go, my actions will show that I still have some type of negative feeling towards the situation. I guess I never realized how much I am like my grandmother. She was a very sensitive woman and sometimes she was overly sensitive.

I am sure that there are other things that can be said about my negative characteristics but these are the main focal points. I realize that I need to stop ignoring them and start working on them. I can’t harp on my wife’s faults –  I only have control over MY OWN actions. I have to recognize the wrong that I bring to the table and correct those wrongs. It’s not just about my relationship with my wife but also about my relationship with God. Some will judge what I have written and shake their heads in disapproval and in some ways will be justified. I write this so that other people will start evaluating themselves and maybe begin realizing what they are doing wrong on a personal level. An alcoholic will never stop drinking if he does not first realize that he is an alcoholic just as a couple will never understand each other if they first do not understand themselves.

My name is Ilex Bien-Aime and I live in Washington, DC with my lovely wife. I write as a man who has seen women mistreat themselves and who have allowed themselves to be mistreated. I write as a man who wants to give my future daughters a guideline on how to deal with men. Lastly I write what I write because my female friends are always asking my opinion about these situations.

Are You Afraid Of Muslims? A September 11th Reflection

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Courtesy of The Pastor Rudy Experience

My encounters with racism and intolerance came early in life. When I wanted barbecue, I would have to go to the widow at the rear of John Davis’ Barbecue on Shepherd Drive in my hometown Houston, Texas to place my order because the dining room was reserved for “whites only” (did I mention John Davis was African American?). When I wanted to drink from a public water fountain I would have to choose the fountain marked “colored.” When we traveled by car, my father would have to carefully choose the places we stopped because of the prospect for mistreatment in unfamiliar towns. When I was 7 years old I attempted to use the rest room at a W.T. Grants Department Store. The “colored toilet” had a coin-operated device on the door requiring a dime in order to gain access. I used the free “whites only” toilet nearby only to be confronted by a white customer who yelled and challenged my using that restroom. When I was 9 years old, my aunt and I were refused service at Wolf’s Drug Store on Washington Ave. in my old neighborhood in Houston, Texas because we sat at the wrong end of the soda fountain counter reserved for “whites only.” I understand fear. I have experienced fear. I have been paralyzed by fear and I know today that racism and intolerance which originate in fear are limiting, paradoxical, self-negating forces designed to keep the human family suspicious of one another and apart from one another.

America has always been a land prone to fear. From a time prior to its inception as an organized union of states, the driving force behind development has been a form of fear. Whether it was the fear of losing power, the fear of being overcome by another people group, or the fear of dying at the hands of others there has been a consistent theme of fear permeating both politics and policy for centuries. So maybe we do have a phobia. The word phobia originates from the Greek word phobos which simply means “fear.” In psychiatric terms phobia is defined as an abnormal intense and irrational fear of a given situation, organism, or object. There are approximately 530 known phobias making fear an inclusive experience. There is one phobia Americans don’t have in large numbers and that’s Chrometophobia. Its is an exaggerated or irrational fear of money where sufferers experience undue anxiety that they might mismanage money or that money might live up to its reputation as “the root of all evil.” (A Thought: What would happen if we began to fear the misuse of money as much as we fear each other?)

Is America Islamophobic? In the September 2, 2011 Issue of the New York Times, Eliyahu Stern offered a perspective on the recent controversy surrounding the outlawing of certain aspects of Shariah law entitled “Don’t Fear Islamic Law in America.” The passing of a prohibition concerning Shariah law could drastically interfere in Muslims ability to navigate cultural necessities such as dietary laws and marriage. More than a dozen states in the U.S. are considering following the state of Tennessee, which recently drove another wedge in inter-religious relations in the U.S. and created another level of fear and suspicion. On the eve of the commemoration of the anniversary of the September 11th attacks, the signs of harmony are not looking good as a recent Gallup poll reported only 56% of Protestants polled think Muslims are loyal Americans.

Stern states in the article, “America’s exceptionalism has always been its ability to transform itself — economically, culturally and religiously. In the 20th century, we thrived by promoting a Judeo-Christian ethic, respecting differences and accentuating commonalities among Jews, Catholics and Protestants. Today, we need an Abrahamic ethic that welcomes Islam into the religious tapestry of American life.” The “9/11 Memorial” located at the site of the former World Trade Center complex in lower Manhattan will be dedicated on September 11, 2011 the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks in a ceremony for victims’ families.

I have often wondered since becoming a Christian whether or not the people who advocated for separate water fountains, rest rooms, and entrances during my childhood were Christians and what were they afraid of? I have also wondered how Christian devotees could know the effects of religious oppression and the suppression of religious freedom, yet advocate for the suppression of rights for Muslims or any other faith practitioner who desires to worship freely? Regardless to how this matter ultimately plays out in media, I believe the people who consider themselves Christians must defend the rights of others to worship in freedom. Walter Wink puts it this way; “When the church refuses to live out the costly identification with the oppressed it is like saying to the lion and the lamb, “let us mediate your differences,” and the Lion replies, “sure you can mediate my differences with the lamb after I finish my lunch.”

How would Jesus respond to Islamophobia? Don’t ask someone for the answer to the question; look into your own heart and respond accordingly.

Pastor Rudy is a man who once hung in the streets, then transformed his life to become a Pastor whose primary mission is to touch and heal harts.He is the author of a book entitled “Touch: The Power of Touch in Transforming Lives” which profiles his unique brand of faith sharing and radical hospitality and a music project (the book’s sound track) entitled “Touch: The Pastor Rudy Experience” on Spirit Rising Music (2006). Visit him on Twitter

Yes I Love You… BUT I Don’t Need You

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I had a question and I realized as frustrating as this for me, there are others wrestling with this same struggle.  I would love for you to answer as well as post the question on your site.  The question is….

How do you show (not tell) someone that they are deeply loved and show (not tell) them that you are capable of being happy without them….simultaneously?

I’m talking about in a relationship where there was a break up that resulted in me putting him out (we were living together)and after 8 months of separation (in title mostly, we never stopped seeing each other), we finally stopped arguing, I finally stopped complaining and we’ve started saying “I love you”  and “I miss you” again, spending QUALITY time and have decided to make an effort to build a real friendship.  The most important thing is that he’s opened up again and shares so much more with me now, the way he used to.

BUT, we both hurt each other in the break up (both of our fault, no cheating) and we’ve been mean to each other off and on since then, until about a month ago.  But ALL that hurt is still present and governing both of our actions at times(more his than mine).  God has restored my fearlessness in love so “I’s free!”..lol.

I know that everyone desires to be loved, and loved according to what love means to them (I read the 5 love languages years ago and reread it with him, which was confirmation for my thoughts about love).  I know that he wants and enjoys receiving the love he wants and needs from me and every day I give it to him.  I want him to feel loved.  But there are days when his hurt and fear (and sometimes anger, i think he tries to punish me or put me through his own personal fire for hurting him) keep him from giving love back and be selfish.  It doesn’t hurt me, because I know and understand what it is.  Months ago I tried to apologize for hurting him and talk about how I know I hurt him, he got upset, to tears and said he wasn’t hurt and didn’t ever want to talk about it again.  It’s frustrating because I don’t know how to get us past this point into where we both ultimately desire to be.

Most of the time I feel like the solution is to  just keep loving him the way God tells me to and the hurt will go away.  Well, the problem with is that his love language is “words of affirmation” and “ acts of service”.  These are things that are to be done very often, daily even.  (cooking sometimes, complimenting, encouraging, edifying, etc) Lol…I keep his love tank full.  This is a real man I’m speaking of, one deserving of honor and respect.  But you take any person dealing with hurt, and you get actions and words – based in or stifled by fear.  So even though he receives and enjoys this love, fear can make him take this as I’m trying to fool him so I can hurt him again, win him back so I can have the upper hand, or get my way.  Which brings me to solution number two and the cause for my question…..

At other times (very rare) I feel like the solution is to cut him off, put some distance between us, a silence to his connection to me.  Since we broke up, we’ve never actually been without each other for more than a week.  I don’t think he’s ever had to consider what life would be like without me and who I am to his life and purpose, daily and forever (according to what God has shared and confirmed with us both).  I’ve fallen in and out of love with him.   I love him now because CHOOSE to love him.  But I think he believes that I’m just so in love him that I can’t help it,  and I can’t be without him.  That should be a good thing, but fear makes it negative.  At times I think that he takes my love (I know ya’ll know love is a verb) for granted and that the love I give him (according to his love languages) becomes fuel for his complacency.   The detriment to this solution is the risk of hurting him all over again and him feeling unloved by me.  Just when he starts to open up again, feeling a little more secure and starts to enjoy us more…here I go being unpredictable and doing something that he thought I’d never do.

So, having said all of that…… How do you show (not tell) someone that they are deeply loved and show (not tell) them that you are capable of being happy without them….simultaneously?

Scheduling Sex….The End Of Spontaneity?

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By Denise Anderson

Despite the fact that I have a very public personal blog that gets read (or at least viewed) by thousands of people all across the world, I’m actually an intensely private person. There are certain things I just don’t talk about that often, not even with friends. ?But today I’m going to talk about something very personal and that I rarely ever share with anyone: my sex life.

In an effort to not overshare, I’m just going to be curt and to-the-point: our sex life has suffered since the baby was born. There, I said it. It happens to a lot of couples. Their lives get turned upside down with the introduction of this new person into the dynamic, and certain aspects of life don’t receive the attention they once did, including lovemaking. For us, I can say that spontaneity went out the window. We had to plan nearly every second of every day, and of course most of those plans revolved around our baby girl. Add to that hormonal changes and overall lack of energy from being pulled in a million different directions, and you have a perfect recipe for sexual disaster in a marriage. He was frustrated because he wasn’t sure if/when our next sexual episode would occur because they were so few and far between. I was frustrated because after working at a high pressure job all day long and taking care of a kid, I felt pressured to perform when all I wanted to do was rest. Our sexual context had changed drastically, and neither one of us knew what to do about it.

So we decided to try something new, something we’d hesitated to do in the past. We decided that we would schedule sex. We set aside two days out of the week when, come hell or high water, we’d get it on. Initially the thought of doing that was a turn-off because it suggested there’d be a lack of spontaneity in our lovemaking or that it would be forced and another chore on top of an already full schedule. But honestly, it’s not like things were happening on their own. This new sexual context we were in (parents of a small child) demanded that we be more proactive with our sex life. Scheduling sex would at least ensure that something happened, and that it would happen on a regular basis. It didn’t preclude us from sparking things up any other day of the week, but it did provide a way for us to actively and intentionally make time for each other. So the deal is on those days, after the baby is down, we get to work! No distractions from studying, television, or other hobbies. No Facebook, Twitter, or internet. Just me and him, deliberately connecting.

I have to say that I’m so mad at myself for hesitating to do this earlier, because it’s really changing my outlook on our sex life. Oddly enough, setting aside a time for sex takes the pressure off. It gives me something to look forward to and putting aside the millions of distractions on those days allows me to relax more. I don’t feel so depleted on those days, hence I have more interest in sex. And he’s much more relaxed because he knows that he’s not going to have to “convince” me to do anything. Turning him down when I was too drained was doing a number on his self-esteem. He now feels secure in the fact that his wife does love and want him — and that he will in fact get some!

A change in the dynamic of a relationship can wreak havoc on a couple’s sex life, simply because they’re existing in a new context, yet trying to operate as if they were in their old context. We had to come to terms with the fact that things just don’t pop off the way they used to due to a number of reasons. So instead of trying to make things happen the way they once did, we had to honor where we currently are and find a way to operate in that new space. As a result, I see a very real and enjoyable change in us, even if it’s not one of our set-aside fun days. We had to learn that if you always do what you’ve always done, then you’ll always be what you’ve always been. So we decided to do something different, and so far it’s paying off!

Do you or would you ever schedule sex? Does the idea appeal to you? Why or why not?

Denise is a wife, mother, and minister living in the Washington, DC area. She shares her musings on marriage and motherhood on her blog, How Mama Got Her Swag Back (http://newmamaswagger.com). Follow her on Twitter @newmamaswagger”


Should Women Cook & Clean And Men Pay Bills & Provide?

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VIDEO: When entering into an agreement…it’s good to have roles and responsibilities clearly defined to minimize the possibility of confusion, conflict, and drama! The same goes for a relationship. Role definition is good. However, couples tend to experience problems when they allow someone or something outside of themselves to determine what those roles should be versus defining the roles themselves. Every couple is different so every relationship will look different, right? Or are there some things meant for women and some things meant for men?

*We get asked this question all the time so we decided to pull out an oldie but goodie. Listen in and give us your opinion.