How to Fix Selfishness in Your Marriage Before It’s Too Late

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By D.P. Haynes

Are you unhappy with your marital situation and searching for how to fix selfishness in your marriage? Well, I’m not sure what particular way selfishness is hurting your marriage but I do know if it’s not dealt with it can quickly ruin a marriage.

The following statement written by James Allen puts selfishness in perspective for me:

“The selfishness must be discovered and understood before it can be removed. It is powerless to remove itself, neither will it pass away of itself. Darkness ceases only when light is introduced; so ignorance can only be dispersed by Knowledge; selfishness by Love.”

Selfishness has the tendency to ignite other problems in your marriage so it’s important to deal with it early on. Some of the fruits of selfishness is bitterness and lack of self control.

You see, couples enter the marriage with different expectations and ideas regarding how their marriage should be. Unfortunately, reality sets in and couples quickly realize that marriage is not as easy as they visualized. One of the hardest things to leave out of the marriage is the idea that your needs are more important than your spouses.

When things aren’t going according to our selfish desires, we can easily become frustrated and bitter. Bitterness is a good ingredient for destroying a marriage. You need to fix selfishness in your marriage before bitterness sets in.

If you don’t learn how to fix selfishness in your marriage before it’s too late it can lead to other destructive behaviors. For example, if a spouse is frustrated and bitter and wants to get his or her way they are more vulnerable to infidelity.

You see, all it takes is for someone to come along and agree with them, take their side and let them know how misunderstood and mistreated he or she is. Before you know it emotionally a connection is made and then you know what can happen next.

How to Fix Selfishness in Your Marriage

The way you deal with selfishness in your marriage is bring it to light. Although, it’s easy to assume that your spouse knows how selfish he or she is, it’s not always the case.

  • Make a list of the top 5 selfish characteristics that are driving you crazy.
  • Create a similar list of some selfish behaviors you may exhibit from time to time.
  • Schedule some quiet uninterrupted talk time to review the selfishness that you believe is hurting the growth of your marriage.
  • Be prepared for defensiveness or perhaps resentment or anger because selfishness is not easy to receive as constructive criticism.

The key is to make sure your spouse doesn’t feel under attack but rather that you are bringing up the issue because you are truly hurting and want to make things better.

Come up with some suggestions for fixing some of the selfish things you may do from time to time and see if your spouse can do the same.

Selfishness doesn’t have to ruin your marriage and your life. However, It’s definitely a marriage killer if you don’t fix it.

D P Haynes is the author of Saving Your Marriage. Visit him at www.RestoringRelationships.infoto access more information about saving your marriage.

1O MUST HAVE Tips For Talking (And Actually Getting Somewhere) In Your Marriage

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By Team BLAM

Communicating effectively takes practice and a whole lot of effort. Without communication, it is nearly impossible to resolve conflicts or grow your relationship. Whether you are in a troubled marriage, simply seeing the value of a “tune-up”, or seeking marriage help, here are some useful tips for communicating effectively within a marriage.

~Realize that no one “wins” an argument. If you don’t leave a discussion with a possible solution to the problem, then neither party has been successful.

~Compromise is an essential tool to solving problems through communication. Before bringing up a problem, make sure you have thought of ways that you can help solve it by mutual compromise.

~Try to be positive when bringing up sensitive marital problems. Instead of jumping right into a discussion, open by acknowledging that every partnership could be improved and you’d like to take some time and discuss the things that are working in your relationship and the areas that could use improvement. It helps to start by talking about positive things and then moving into the deeper discussion on problem areas.

~ Be a “reflective” listener and make sure you understand what your partner has said. “What I hear you saying is…” is a great way to make sure the proper message has been received.

~Feel free to use the “time out” card if the discussion gets too intense. If an argument gets heated and irrational, it is better to postpone the discussion to a time and place where effective communication can happen.

~Make sure your body language, facial expressions and vocal tone are in line with your message. One study showed that 55% of the emotional meaning of what you say is expressed by your facial expression. While only 7% of the emotional meaning is verbal.

~Be honest, direct and focus on the real issue. If you enter a conversation insecure about making your point — you probably won’t make it.

~If you can’t come up with a definitive solution, at least try to end the conversation on a positive note like “I think it’s good we’ve both shared our feelings and we’ll continue to talk about it and try to come up with a better solution.”

~Don’t ever be rude or talk down to your partner in a discussion about your relationship. Don’t dismiss an idea or thought as absurd, but instead listen to your partner’s point and then react with the reasons you disagree in a respectful manner.

~Stay on track. If you sit down to talk about a financial problem and suddenly other emotional issues are coming up, realize that you may need to focus on one area at a time in order to create solutions instead of more arguing.

Last but not least, recognize when you need outside help to communicate effectively. Coaching, counseling, or classes may help solve what seems to be an impossible communication problem. We hope you truly utilize these tips. They really do work—when you use them. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Who Are You Talking To Like That? STOP Criticizing Your Spouse.

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By Irina Tveritina

No one likes for their faults to be displayed or called out in public. Your spouse is no different. Criticizing your spouse in public is a NO NO.

The reality is that there is not anything that justifies criticizing your partner in public. If a deed seems serious enough to need attention immediately it probably is of such a nature that it should be handled in private anyway.

Airing problems in public is the fastest road to take towards marriage destruction. Do not travel that road and if you are on it I highly suggest you take a detour immediately.

We are not talking about constructive criticism, we are talking about criticizing in a destructive manner. A word of caution is deserved here that any type of criticism should be carefully thought about before giving it in public. You want to allow your partner to save face at all costs.

Some partners say critical things to their marriage partner that they would have never thought about saying before marriage. I don’t believe the marriage license or even the marriage vows gave permission for one partner to embarrass the other in any way.

Some partners feel there spouse is a good sport and can take it! Shame on them for thinking that way! The partner is simply showing a forgiving spirit but over time they probably will build up resentment and bitterness for the crude treatment. Danger ahead signs are flashing loudly here.

Be careful not to always be pointing out the faults of your spouse. Remember everyone has faults and your faults don’t look smaller by pointing out your partner’s faults. In fact often times being critical just makes your faults appear bigger. Trust me on that.

Lift up your marriage by giving honor rather than criticism in public and it will have a lasting benefit that will serve you and your relationship for years to come.

Irina Tveritina has written for various publications on marriage and relationships.

4 Danger Signs That Will Derail Your Relationship

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There are a lot of things that can contribute to the success and downfall of your relationship. In this video we discuss four warning signs that if go unchecked can cripple a relationships progress and possibly lead to it’s end. Listen closely and learn what you want to avoid so that you can live happily ever after.

Are You Playing Hide and Seek In Your Relationship?

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VIDEO: If relationships and people were all the same “color”, “tone”, and “speed” then they’d be quite uneventful and boring. Fortunately relationships are comprised of two unique individuals that have different ways of living, being and communicating. Sometimes these differences create relationship challenges where patterns of behavior unintentionally develop. The pattern that we frequently see among couples is one of HIDE -N- SEEK. Generally speaking as it pertains to relationship issues….one person is chasing to talk through and process an issue while the other person is running away to avoid and escape an issue. This pattern of behavior eventually becomes a vicious cycle where both parties are entrenched in their roles. We become so attached to our roles that somehow without realizing it we become more more committed to playing out our parts (pursuer or withdrawer) than really looking at whether or not this behavior is working for or against us. This is unfortunate because more often than not this Hide-N-Seek routine does not lead to resolution of the issues…but rather frustration, anger, and resentment. So, what do you do??? The pursuers reading this are thinking “We have to talk!” and the withdrawers  reading are thinking “He or She has to get off my back!” Well, rest easy. We have the solution. Listen in and learn how to break this crazy and vicious cycle.

Take The Gloves Off & Stop The Tit For Tat Wars

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By Debbie Manigat

It’s 9:30 AM and you’re late for work. Traffic is horrible on I-95 and you’re right before your exit. Some cuts you off and now you’re even more frustrated. You hit the gas and start the chase to get back at the other driver and then you hear sirens behind you. Dang. The police pull you over… Sound familiar?

 

This is a classic example of the horrible consequences of ‘tit for tat’. Going “tit for tat” means that when someone makes you mad or gets you upset, you have to get even with them, stick it to them, or make them feel the same pain if not more. Do you realize how ludicrous that sounds? In fact, it’s downright childish.

 

You could have driven away, turned up your music and focused on getting to work. You could have even just taken a breath and said a little prayer. But nope, instead- you led with your emotions and let road rage take over. Now you’re stuck with a $200 speeding ticket while the person who cut you off is long gone.

 

Let me make it clear now- going tit for tat is not worth the aftermath. Even more so in a relationship- going “tit for tat” is destructive. If your significant other has hurt you so much to the point that you feel like you need to retaliate or make them feel worse instead of communicating to them how you feel and working it out- then its official. Your relationship has crossed into the ‘tit for tat’ war zone.

 

When you feel the need to jab back at your spouse emotionally, mentally, or even physically- it is time to reassess the relationship. To get back into the safe zone, maybe you need to step back and take a break for from the relationship until you can forgive that person and move forward. You may even want to consider seeing a marriage and family therapist or relationship counselor. Yet if this is a reoccurring problem, then you may need to also consider going your separate ways.

 

In the end, there are a lot of things in life that may not go your way or may be out of your control i.e. getting cut off by another person. Yet that is no excuse to get out of control or enact an ‘eye for eye or a tooth for a tooth’ mentality because in the end that just leaves both parties hurt. Remember, there are things that are within your power such as your behavior and reaction to certain situations.

Re-evaluation is always better than revenge.

 

BLAM family, are you brave enough to share how you handled a “tit for tat” situation?

 

Debbie Manigat is a motivator. She loves to liberate people to live life in purpose. She is a proud graduate of the John H. Johnson School of Communications at Howard University, trained Marriage Mentor/ Counselor (SFACC), and certified Brazelton Touchpoints Parent Educator (CSC). Currently, she is fascinated by social neuroscience and narrative therapy and is studying to be a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Connect with her through her family owned lifestyle empowerment firm: dmempowers.com or on Facebook: Divine Motivation or Twitter: @DM_Empowers

You CAN Have A Fulfilling Relationship. Four Fantastic Ways To Get Your Needs Met.

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By Chris Andrews

Getting your needs met in your relationship isn’t always easy. But if you want to have a long and happy relationship, you will need to learn how. Here are some tips to guide you along with getting your relationship needs met.

  1. Never assume that your mate can read your mind. A friend of mine always says, “Show me someone who can’t communicate and I’ll show you a failure.” People who can’t communicate effectively generally don’t have much success in life. Tell your mate your likes and dislikes. Just talk to them like you are giving someone directions. They will appreciate your candor and they won’t be mistaken about these needs in the future if you are clear and concise.
  2. Encourage your mate to talk about their needs. We forget to do this because it does require effort on your part, so don’t be afraid to just ask. This will make them feel special and let them know that you care about what they want. Do this step more often than not.
  3. Realize the difference between telling and showing. Some people like to be told, “I love you,” and some people like to be shown love. Make sure you get this one down eventually, since you don’t want to annoy your mate with talk when they like to be shown instead. I have a friend who didn’t like his girlfriend telling him that she loved him everyday. He loved everything about her otherwise. Eventually he let her know this and she wasn’t offended at all-she just didn’t know that this annoyed him.
  4. Don’t be passive aggressive-speak up! This area in relationships is so common, but frequently ignored. If you are serious about getting your relationship needs met, pay close attention to this tip. If you need your mate to help you more with anything (help around the house, help with errands, etc.), JUST ASK. What most people do is assume that their mate already knows what needs to be done, and this just isn’t so. Effective communication will not only help these situations, but will eliminate the silent resentment that happens when we hold back our feelings.

Chris R. Andrews writes about many social topics concerning real folks in real situations. His latest adventure is Relationshipanswers.net

5 Questions To Ask To Bring You And Your Boo Closer

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By Aiyana Ma’at

My husband and I receive questions all the time about how we maintain a happy relationship. Folks want to know how we manage running a business together along with raising 4 children.  We are often asked how we maintain a hot & healthy sex life (check out the convo I had a while back about me and hubby’s off the chain sex life). And, while there are all kinds of tricks and tips I could give; after thinking about it I realized that there is one thing that is ultimately responsible for the kind of relationship that my husband and I have. It is this: We are emotionally connected to each other. Yup, that’s a huge part of why we’re able to have a happy relationship. We make it a point to be vulnerable with each other and to make time to really be with each other.

I must say I think it’s a little easier for me than my husband. Ayize, like many men, can sometimes hold back a bit with how he feels (and I’m talking about deep feelings….from the heart and gut; not opinions from the head, etc.). When I sense that he’s doing that I go out of my way to let him know that I want to know what’s on his heart and that he can trust that I won’t judge his feelings.

Ayize does the same thing with me. He goes out of his way to make me feel emotionally safe and If I start to retreat or put up a wall…he’ll bug me until the wall melts away and I’m back in our safe space being vulnerable again.

My point? You have to be intentional about maintaining closeness between you and your partner. You have to have the right accepting and non-judgemental attitude and you have to be willing to go the extra mile for the one you love. Ayize and I are no different than any other couple. We have our issues, upsets, & arguments just like everyone else. But, at the end of the day our # 1 priority is to keep transparency, honesty, and trust between the two of us. When you get a taste of what that feels like you never want to lose it!

If you have it in your relationship then keep it going! If you don’t then be intentional about creating it. No matter where you fall take some time out to just be with your sweetheart and ask these 5 questions to bring you and your boo closer–(remember, no judgement):

  • If you had a magic wand and could change anything about our relationship, what would it be?
  • Are there some things in your life you’ve never told anyone? Would you feel comfortable telling me one of them?
  • What are three things you’d like me to consider doing differently in the bedroom?
  • What do you think are the three most important things in life?
  • What would your life be like if I weren’t in it? What things would you have done or not done?

5 Ways To Show Your Man That “You’ve Got Him” No Matter What

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By Tara Armstead

It was my daughter’s 11th birthday, and she screamed in awe when she opened the card containing tickets to her favorite rising music group’s concert: Mindless Behavior. My fiancee also thought it would be an added touch to take our family for a round of lazer tag followed by bowling. All was well. Then, during lazer tag, he decided to impress the crowd with a running start followed by a front roll on the ground before shooting targets. Impressive. Especially for a man over six feet tall and 240 pounds. It wasn’t until it was his turn to bowl in the well-lit alley that everyone saw the damage of his stunt: he’d ripped his shorts nearly in half up the back side. Blue polka dot boxers. Nice.

 

1. Respond to his motivations, not necessarily his actions.

 

When reliving that moment, words like ‘embarassment’ and ‘goofball’ come to mind. After all, he had made a fool of himself in front of strangers. I must, however, think of his true motivation. His goal was to make sure that my daughter had fun, even at his expense. So after working 12 straight hours, he found his second wind and took my extended family out on the town when he should have been getting some rest before his next long work shift. A labor of love. Even when our loved ones mean well, sometimes things do not turn out perfectly. As long as we keep our eye on their heart, a true love won’t let us down.

 

2. Be a listener.

 

This one can be tough, especially when we have so much to say! Listen ACTIVELY. It is usually not good enough to be silent while simply thinking ahead to the next point we’d like to make. Listen to strengthen your connection. The goal is to further understand your partner, not to trap him in his own words.

 

3. Celebrate all the bright spots.

 

Take that refreshing walk down memory lane and stop by all the good times to share a laugh. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, never lose sight of what you’ve always adored about each other. The bowling alley spectators may have dismissed the ripped shorts and boxers as simply uncouth, but later we could grin about the fun we had shopping for them together.

 

4. Build him up.

 

Chances are your guy wants to feel like he’s the king of your jungle! Blame it on the testosterone, I guess. Throwing a little praise his way can’t hurt. Guys love to know how much we adore them.

 

5. Be patient. This too shall pass.

 

Nothing worth having comes easy, and your relationship is included. Expect to have to work at making it a fulfilling relationship with numerous rewards. Look at the rainy days as preparation for fun in the sun. In the meantime, dance!

 

Tara Armstead’s divorce in 2004 after a brief marriage was eye-opening for her. She thanks God that she did not give up on love and happiness. She’s learned that life is what we make it, and fulfilling relationships are built one day, one experience, one action, one word at a time. Visit her at MakeItLastForever.com

 

 

VIDEO: What Does Your Hurt “Look” Like? Techniques For Real Talk.

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VIDEO: One of the major issues in relationships is communication. In the classes we teach we often hear: someone isn’t talking enough, someone is talking too much, someone is always yelling, or someone doesn’t make sense. Does any of this sound familiar. The reason why there are some message mixups in our communication is because we haven’t been properly taught how to communicate and how to approach subjects with your mate that may be a little bit uncomfortable. In this video we discuss a couple of techniques that will help you “open the door” for some REAL TALK and challenge you to make your communication more authentic and transparent.