By Allison Braun
We all go through ups and downs in a long term relationship. I am no exception to this rule.
One thing I’ve noticed in my own relationship, as well as in my clients , is that there can be a phase in which your husband, boyfriend, or partner is no longer initiating sex with you.
You may be thinking thoughts like “I’m not sexy anymore” “He doesn’t think I’m sexy” “He’s not attracted to me anymore”…. You are all up in your head spinning a hundred different stories.
You might even feel a little resentful or hurt for him not attacking you passionately like he used to.
Now, can I ask you a question?
How many times did you say “no” or “stop” in some form or another before he stopped trying?
If that isn’t the case you are probably going to be looking more towards #4.
So I am going to share with you 4 Real Life Reasons Why He Has Stopped Initiating Sex.
#1. He Is Protecting Himself.
Weird, isn’t this one of the reasons you don’t initiate either? He doesn’t want to be turned down anymore – he is protecting his feelings.
#2. He Is Protecting You.
If you’re like me, you might have been experiencing pain during sex and had to stop him for that reason. He feels like he was hurting you and of course he doesn’t want to hurt you. Therefore, in attempts to protect you he is not pushing the matter. He think you will initiate when you are ready.
#3. He Is Insecure and Unsure.
Behind his tough, confident, manly front (which he probably feels he needs to have) he doesn’t know what to do exactly in order to please you (because you probably haven’t told him exactly how to do that). He might be thinking that he can’t make you feel good, that he doesn’t have the moves or looks anymore, or that you aren’t as attracted to HIM.
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By Shaquan Lopez
Have you ever wondered why you and your spouse go through droughts in your marriage? Have you ever wondered why you only have sex once a week or maybe once a month? Have you ever wondered why sex has gotten boring lately? Well, may be the problem isn’t sex, maybe it’s you.
I had to realize this in my own life. While my husband and I were having sex more than once a week, it still wasn’t mind-blowing sex every single time. I found myself disconnected from him at times. There were times when we would go two or three days to two or three weeks without sex, and once we finally came together, it was either mind-blowing or a thumbs down.
I couldn’t figure out why these things happened. At first I thought it was because we had been together for five years and it had become routine. Or, maybe, it was because we had a lot on our mind and had busy schedules. I even said to myself, “Well, sex isn’t suppose to be good all the time, right?” Wrong!
It wasn’t until I took a few steps back. Looked a little deeper and I realized that sex was not the problem. We were the problem. We pulled the intimate setting out of our bedroom. Our bedroom was supposed to be a place filled with peace, love, and joy. Instead, we had filled it with arguments, homework, video games, resentment, and our own personal mess.
We had blocked ourselves from having good, frequent sex. My husband would sometime bring his work home with him. I don’t mean papers from work, but his feelings. When he got home from work, I would unload all of my frustrations about my day, homework, and how tired I was of being a housewife. Imagine dumping all of your feelings and thoughts on your spouse and you taking in their feelings. Now you both just added more emotional trauma to each other, so when the time comes for you to be intimate, you have these mental blocks that stop you from enjoying one another. That is what my husband and I had experienced.
It was time to make a change. Its was time to start clearing out some of that unwanted space in our bedroom and in ourselves. Communication had to change in and out of the bedroom. Instead of having disagreements in our bedroom, we settled them in the living room. We stopped going to bed mad. When I am laying in the bed upset, my husband will just hold me until I talk out my feelings. The biggest thing that has had a great impact in our marriage is that we invited more prayer into our bedroom. This is where our peace has now come from. I have stopped doing my homework in the bedroom. My books would and papers would be everywhere. I don’t like doing homework as is, but I didn’t like it even more when I had everything thrown everywhere.
Our bad habits just took some time to change. We started to be more spontaneous and fun in our intimate moments. We talked to each other about what we would to do more of and how we could please each other better. It has worked out for the most part. Sex can’t be the problem because it is made for husband and wife to enjoy. It’s us who gets in the way of our own satisfaction. If you want better sex, all you have to do is take a few steps back, evaluate yourself, and make a change. Once that is done you will feel more at peace with yourself and your spouse. Oh, and did I mention that the sex will be better.
My name is Shaquan Lopez. I am 24 years old. I have been married to my wonderful husband, Charles Lopez, for four years and we have a beautiful three year old son. I was raised in the southern part of Georgia, raised by my mom. I am the youngest of three. We are triplets. Yes, I am a triplet! I aspire to write and capture the attention of young married women like myself to help them succeed in their marriage.
By Ayize & Aiyana Ma’at
Hey Fam! We are soooo excited and pleased to announce our new Relationship Renovation series that will be kicking off in January 2014!
As we sat and talked and evaluated how 2013 has been for us and what our goals for 2014 should be we kept coming back to the idea that we want to connect more, help more, and do more. Yes, that’s what we said—In 2014 we want to:
CONNECT MORE…..to you
HELP MORE……for you and
DO MORE……with you 🙂
We said “How can we be the most helpful and make the most impact?” We asked you on Facebook and Twitter and via our other social media platforms and YOU ANSWERED. You said you wanted to talk with us more about very important topics that so many of you are dealing with in your relationships. We received such great feedback and so many different topics that we decided to begin a Bi-Weekly Relationship Renovation Series.
- This is where we will discuss important, juicy, fun, and fundamental issues that are relevant to relationships of all kinds.
- This is where you will have the opportunity to participate! How? You can be “on” with us to share your story or ask a question as it relates to the theme of the Hangout. You can also share by asking questions when we have our “Ask Us Anything”Hangouts. And, of course you can chat with us during the Hangout as well.
- This is where you can come every 2 weeks to “go to school” and get insight and answers on all things relationships!
So, save the date for AYIZE & AIYANA’S FIRST RELATIONSHIP RENOVATION HANGOUT WHERE WE WILL TALK ABOUT HOW TO TURN UP THE LOVE & SEX IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP!
WHEN: THURSDAY, JAN 12, 2014
WHAT TIME: 9PM
For our first Hangout–We’re looking for singles or couples that would like to be featured on the Hangout. You should be willing to either share your story around sex and intimacy and/or ask a question. No questions are off limits. Any issue you have when it comes to sex and intimacy in your relationship(s)–past or present—BRING IT. We want to hear it!
Interested? Send an email with your issue or question to email@example.com or by clicking here: http://www.blackloveandmarriage.com/ask-the-maats/
***ATTENTION*** YOU MUST PUT THE WORDS GOOGLE HANGOUT SOME WHERE IN THE SUBJECT LINE OR IN THE BODY OF THE EMAIL PLEASE!!! REMEMBER, WE DO ADVICE VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE AND IF YOU DON’T LET US KNOW THAT YOU’RE RESPONDING TO THE GOOGLE HANGOUT CALL FOR PARTICIPANTS THEN YOUR EMAIL WILL GO TO THE BACK OF A VERY LONG WAITLIST OF FOLKS WAITING FOR US TO ANSWER THEIR VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.
TO JOIN THE HANGOUT ENTER BELOW:
By Dina Z Colada,
What is foreplay anyway? Well to start off, it’s a noun, but it is so much more than that, and if you pay attention and learn the art of epic foreplay you might not even make it to the bedroom. (The backseat or the broom closet might just have to do)!
According to the Urban Dictionary, foreplay is touching, kissing or licking each other in a stimulating manner, in order to become “turned on” before having actual sex. However, in most public places this kind of foreplay isn’t too acceptable, especially the licking part.
But that doesn’t mean you need to wait until after your date to put foreplay skills into action. Non-physical foreplay is a bigger turn-on than twerking to Justin Timberlake‘s latest in the club. Trust me on this ladies, subtlety is sexy. Keep the twerking for your alone time. He’ll think it’s much sexier if you only twerk for him.
There are just a few simple steps for foreplay that starts before the bedroom, and they start with you getting in touch with yourself.
1. Get in tune with your sensual side.
You can do this by getting in touch with your six senses. Oh… you thought there were five? There is one that many people don’t talk about, and we’ll get to that later. Clueless in how to connect with with your sensual energy? There are the five senses that we all know: taste, touch, smell, hearing and seeing — and using all of these is a big part of foreplay. You’ve got to be tapped in to be turned on.
Try this exercise: next time you are eating your Caesar salad with grilled chicken, really pay attention to what is going on around you. Notice the heat of the chicken as opposed to the coldness of the fork, and the crispy, crunchy sounds of the romaine and croutons. Notice the textures too.
Whenever you do anything, be really aware of the way things look and feel around you while you have. See the sun shining and be aware of the shimmery ice cubes in your drink, what the condensation feels like on your fingers. Licking the condensation off of your glass is not quite what you want to go for hwew. (Remember subtle is sexy, at least in public).
When you tune into your body and live in the moment, you can get more in touch with your sixth sense. When you are in tune with what is going on with you and your body, you can tap into your intuition, and trusting that part will allow you to be more open with you man. Trusting your instincts will turn both of you on.
2. Let him know how you feel.
When you are aware of what is going on around you and inside of you, it’s easier to connect with a man on a deeper, more sensual level. But you can only do this when you know what you are feeling. If you feel numb, then practice what it means to feel.
Here is a list of emotional words, if you’re not sure what I mean:
Getting in touch with your feelings will help you tap in to yourself, and trusting yourself is a very appealing quality to a man.
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Every couple has one thing that they seem to fight (or at least disagree) about over and over again. For some, couples, the big struggle is how to raise the children, how to spend their money or how much time they should spend together. One of the biggest problems that couples experience is with sex or intimacy.
The way most people think, men only think about sex. I’m sure you’ve heard the bogus statistic that the average man thinks about sex every ten seconds, and these types of things that get passed on just seem to set the stereotype in. On the other hand, it often is said that women want to talk about love and intimacy, but could live without sex. This stereotype is reinforced by soap operas and romance novels which are marketed at women, and have a whole lot of romance, but usually aren’t filled with a bunch of sex.
But when the bedroom doors close or people aren’t looking, you’ll find that these stereotypes are shattered. There are so many men that want to talk about their feelings and intimacy, while women just want passionate sex or even sex with no strings attached. Repeating stereotypes is not what we want to do here, because for every example you give, you can definitely find ten people who break the mold.
Let’s forget about stereotypes and work to help out our relationship instead. You don’t have to be an expert in marriage or sex to understand enough to help your relationship.
What are Sex and Intimacy?
Maybe we need to define intimacy and sex before we go any further. What is sex and what it intimacy? Some people say that sex and intimacy aren’t the same, that they have the different definitions; other might say that they are the same. If you would ask your partner this question would they answer it the same way as you would? Is kissing defined as sex, intimacy or other? What about talking dirty to each other, masturbation and having sex?
If you’ve know what your marriage blueprint is, you may realize that this affects your feelings on the subject more than whether you are a man or woman. It doesn’t matter if you are a woman or a man, if you are a ‘wild thing’, you want your sexual freedom, and sex and intimacy could be described as one. You love getting naked, and don’t want any rules or talking with your partner.
If both partners in the relationship are wild things, the relationship will go smoothly as far as sex and intimacy go. But what happens if you and your partner have different ideas on what sex and intimacy involve. Can a relationship between a carefree wild thing and a pilgrim (who are often guided by their religious beliefs) work?
How does your religion shape your beliefs on sex, passion and romance? If you grew up thinking that sex was dirty or something that should only be done to create children, you probably can find beliefs of that in your relationships today. If, while growing up, you rebelled against that belief, you could be someone who is very open sexually. But if you just let that belief sink in, you may still be a bit more conservative when it comes to sex.
Should you change the way that you think to please your partner? Look at this example of a couple, and tell me what you think:
Mike wants his wife, Andrea to try to have anal sex with him. Andrea doesn’t like the idea, because she thinks that it is dirty and humiliating. She also adds that there aren’t any reasons to do it, and that it wouldn’t add anything to the relationship. What do you think? Can this add intimacy to their relationship, or will Mike harm his relationship by trying to change it.
What should couples do if they are disagreeing with their partner with their level of sex or intimacy? If one person wants to bring in an additional person for one wild night once in a while and the other is totally adamant about it, what can you do?
By Ayize & Aiyana
I’ve bee married to my husband for 3 years. We dated for 4 years prior to marriage and i feel like we have a solid relationship. My man is freaky in the bedroom. He has expressed a desire to watch me have sex with another man. I don’t know what to think of this. Does he want to be with another woman? Is he testing me? where is this coming from? I’m a sexual person too so I’m open to it….but worried at the same time. What do you think?
By George Watson
Having a healthy relationship with our partner is a very high priority, even more so when married. There are many things one can do to create and maintain a healthy relationship. One of the most important aspects of keeping the relationship exciting and healthy is sex.
Sex is extremely important for a couple to stay together. Its not enough to stay committed and love each other, the couple also needs to satisfy each partners sexual needs. This is a big reason for all the issues we see discussed everywhere that center around sexual ability and performance.
These include foreplay, penis size, sex drive, orgasm and other topics. It turns out that most relationships problems can be reduced to not being satisfied and other unsolved intimate problems.
Male enhancement for better lovemaking
Sex plays a much larger part in a loving relationship than just the physical part. Male sexual performance comes directly from a mans affection for his partner and his desire to satisfy her and continue the relationship. Any man who wants his partner to be happy should try the best he can to be a good partner in bed.
This is a big reason for all the information and products now available on the market, intended to help men improve themselves sexually such as pills or oils that strengthen erections or herbal medicines that naturally raise the libido, some with funny names like Horny Goat Weed. There are also completely natural male enhancement techniques such as special penile exercises for anyone who does not want to take pills or medicines.
What you eat can add to your pleasure
Diet is one very easy way to help give a man stamina and his partner more pleasure during lovemaking. The fact that diet plays a role in the quality of sex is a new discovery by modern science that has been known for centuries.
Even in ancient times, men used simple herbs as aphrodisiacs to increase their arousal speed and libido, thus enjoying intimacy even more. Some of these sexual enhancement foods and drinks are coffee and meat. Coffee and meat wont make your penis bigger, yet they have been proven to increase sexual desire in couples.
Both coffee and meat have elements that irritate the mucous membrane inside the digestive system. The mucous membrane in the digestive tract is like the genital organs in the way that coffee and meat irritates both through chemical processes.
These chemical processes are what ultimately give people a steady increase in sexual excitement. Its no wonder people go out and eat and pay attention to what they eat before they have sex.
People want good sex so they make sure they take in good food with such aphrodisiacs. After all there is no healthy relationship without good sex, and no good sex without a high sexual excitement.
Stay healthy by trying different solutions
Although meat and coffee are well considered to be positive aphrodisiacs, their use must be controlled. A high diet in caffeine and protein has led to many health problems, and diseases. On top of this, too much use of these foods can lead to over excitement and can lead to premature ejaculation.
This is when the couple reaches orgasm before they are ready or before they have reached the high sexual excitement where things really start taking off. To be healthy sexually and physically, these aphrodisiacs must be used in moderation.
Too much of the same thing can be unhealthy. Besides there are many types of natural aphrodisiacs on the market and the same or even better results can be achieved.
I enjoy giving oral sex to my man, but there is one issue. He says it’s a small issue but I think it’s pretty big…to both he and I. I won’t swallow. I can’t stand the way it taste or feels in my mouth. He says it’s important to him and if I really loved him I would do it.
The Disgusted Woman/Wife.
By Roseanna Leaton
Most of us are familiar with the DINKS abbreviation, which stands for Dual Income, No Kids. I came across another term the other day – DINS. This stands for Dual Income, No Sex. A friend laughingly joked that being a DINS leads to becoming a DINKS couple!
This is, however, no laughing matter. It has been found that happiness and a healthy sex life (i.e. more frequent) go hand in hand, although which comes first still provides a hot topic for debate.
Most DINS in fact do have kids, as well as both partners being out at work on a daily basis. With so many different high priority objectives seeking their attention, sex sadly takes a back seat or even gets thrown out of the window. Clearly there are a growing number of couples that fall into this trap, or this abbreviated term would never have been coined.
If you are involved in a DINS relationship it is probably well worth your while to take a small step back and re-examine your priorities in life. I’m not suggesting that you give up your dual income status or neglect your kids. Far from it. I’m merely suggesting that if happiness in your relationship is what you really want to achieve, then sex should come a little higher up on your list of priorities.
I know that sounds more than a little simplistic. You’re tired, you’re busy and you’re feeling tense and under pressure. You haven’t got time for sex. You’re not in the mood for sex.
And here lies the crux of the matter. If you were in the mood for sex you would make time for it. I agree that this is a chicken and egg situation. You could easily argue that if you had more time you would feel in the mood for sex. But that’s not a perspective to choose if you are looking to change your DINS status to one of “Happily married couple with healthy sex life”.
Feelings and emotional connections are what trigger motivation in anything. And so to become motivated to get yourself more sex (and to feel happier because of this) you need to find ways in which you can put yourself in the mood for a little bit of spousal arousal.
There are many ways in which to do this. By prioritizing sex on your agenda and in your thoughts you will get your body moving in the right direction. Visual stimulation can be a good trigger; hence the number of soft-porn magazines around. Reading a romantic novel will often get a woman’s mind (and also that of a man) into the right mood, especially when you read the “juicy bits”.
If there are other issues that stand between you and your spouse these need addressing. Don’t let anger or upsets fester and destroy your marriage. It’s not worth harboring grudges. Deal with them or let them go.
Perhaps a lack of sexual confidence also plays a part in allowing your relationship to take on the DINS status. Again, if this is the case, what’s stopping you from addressing this issue? If you don’t know how to deal with this then you might like to start by listening to a hypnosis mp3 recording designed to build your sexual confidence and enhance your libido.
There are many things that you can do so as to guard against becoming a DINS. You just have to decide that happiness in your relationship is a priority and you will naturally find your way to this end goal.