You Down With Public Displays Of Connection?

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VIDEO: We’re revisiting an old show today. Why? Because, it is so so important. More important than either you or I can probably grasp. Ask an African-American teenager whether or not they want to get married. Boy or girl, most likely their answer will be a resounding “No”. Shoot…ask a grown man or woman and you’ll more than likely get a blank stare or a  “What for?” Why is this?! Because, what they see of marriage and love in our community is NOT convincing, attractive or positive. Our mentor ,Wedded Bliss Foundation , Executive Director, Nisa Muhammad says that “oftentimes we are not good advertisements for marriage.” We gripe more about the negatives than the positives. Our public display, more often than not, sends the message that we are tolerating each other versus the message that we love, accept, adore, and respect each other.

QUESTION: Have you ever stopped to think about the image that you and your spouse project when you leave out of your front door every day? What does your public display say about you?

Potentially Good Date Gone Bad…Red Flags We Can All Learn From

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VIDEO: A lot of people have dates that go wrong. Unfortunately some dates go so wrong that it leaves some people to question whether they should consider dating outside of their race. In this video we answer the questions of a black woman that just recently began dating brothas again (she stopped dating black men for a period of 10 years). Her first date was with a Rasta…and she was optimistic as she is Rastafarian too. Unfortunately her potentially good date went real bad real fast.  Ultimately what we’re asking her to do is to look at herself, her judgement, who she is attracted to, who she is attracting, and then answer the one word million dollar question—WHY?

A couple of Red Flags stood out to us in this situation that we can all learn from…

#1: This young lady shared how excited she was because she had finally met a black man she was interested in and he shared her same spiritual system. Word To The Wise: While it’s normal to be excited about an upcoming date and the possibilities that exist, you should always balance that natural enthusiasm with level headed observation and discernment. Sometimes, we let our imaginations get the best of us and see more than is really there. For example, this sista was excited that the young man was Rasta—but, forreal—so what. How many of us know folks who say they are something and once we get to know them we realize they are not quite what we thought.  And, just because two folks are both Rasta, or Muslim, or Christian, or Yoruba (you get the picture) doesn’t mean they believe the same thing. That may be hard for some to understand. But, spirituality is so vastly boundless and personal. You shouldn’t assume you know a potential suitor’s spiritual location based on what they call themselves alone.

#2: This young lady says she felt a bit uneasy because this dude seemed pretty anxious to get her over his house. Maybe, we’re just old school— but first date’s shouldn’t be at someone’s house! I mean you don’t know this person. Safety 1st! So, you’ve spoken on the phone and know that you are mutually interested in each other. Ok, big deal. This doesn’t mean you get to come to my place or that I will come to yours. It means we can get together–in public…..like on an actual date. I’m sorry, but if you’re starting out on the first date in the house—that’s a problem. And, no a lot of money doesn’t have to be spent to go out. As a matter of fact while sitting on my couch writing this I just googled Totally Free Dating Ideas and found that <———- in 2 seconds so there’s no excuse!

B Intentional Family, let us know what you think or submit a video response! You know we want to hear your opinion.

Black Men Need Help

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by Ayize Ma’at We get a lot of emails from women voicing their frustration with the current condition of the black men in their lives and in the community. There’s this reverberating impression that black men have an apathetic approach to life….black men have lost their hustle which consequently has a devastating impact on the black family. This video gives a couple of reasons why black men are not being as productive as they could be. This is some REAL TALK coupled with a REAL CHALLENGE. This is one black man’s perspective… Leave a comment or submit a video response letting me know what you think. B Intentional family, What’s up with black men? We need to hear your voice on this one.

Please! Please! Let’s Get Counseling!

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VIDEO: We’re revisiting an old post that stirred up a lot of debate in some of our couples groups and classes. To get “outside help” or not to get “outside help”—that is the question. The “C” word……”Counseling” can be a pretty taboo word in the African-American community. Do men have more of an issue with getting professional help than women? What does one do when they feel there are issues in the relationship that need the objectivity and skill of a trained professional but the other person says “Hell no!” Listen is as The Ma’at’s provide perspective.

Having Sex With Herpes And The One I Love

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VIDEO: Today we revisit an earlier post that seemed to be a lot of help to folks who might never bring this kind of issue up on their own. Have you just recently learned that you or your partner has an STD? Are you wrestling with the thought of not being able to be intimate with your partner anymore? Are you afraid of contracting or transmitting the STD? Here we discuss Herpes and answer a woman who asks “Can I have sex with the man I love and NOT get the disease? as well as how key creativity is in dealing with Herpes and maintaining sexual intimacy in your relationship.

When He Says He Loves Me Does He Really Mean It?

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VIDEO: “Can a man tell you he loves you and not really be interested in you?” asks this single woman who says she is ready to settle down and be married. Listen in for a male perspective as Ayize Ma’at exposes you to how you can discern whether the substance beneath his expression of love is genuine. As always leave a comment or submit a video response letting us know what you think.

Recognize When You Are Being Abused–This is Domestic Violence.

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VIDEO: Domestic violence is serious. Unfortunately people who are being abused often either minimize the reality of abuse or ignore it all together. In this video we discuss some of the characteristics of an abuser as well as the patterns of abuse. If you see yourself in this situation…GET HELP. If you know someone or have an inkling that someone is dealing with this issue please forward them this video. Nobody is being helped if we all stay silent.

This video was prompted by a letter we received from a young lady who appears to be in an abusive situation where domestic violence is ruling her life. Our prayer is that she receives what we have to say. For all those who watch this and realize these words apply to you too—nothing happens on accident. Our belief is that you are watching this right now for a reason. Get out! Get out! Get out!

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Your Inner Thoughts and Feelings

Do you:

-feel afraid of your partner much of the time?

-avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?

-feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?

-believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?

-wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?

-feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Your Partner’s Belittling Behavior

Does Your Partner:

-humiliate or yell at you?

-criticize you and put you down?

-treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?

-ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

-blame you for his own abusive behavior?

-see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats

Does your partner:

-have a bad and unpredictable temper?

-hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?

-threaten to take your children away or harm them?

-threaten to commit suicide if you leave?

-force you to have sex?

-destroy your belongings?

Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

-act excessively jealous and possessive?

-control where you go or what you do?

-keep you from seeing your friends or family?

-limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?

-constantly check up on you?

If you find yourself in a situation where Domestic Violence is occurring—get help. Reach out. You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

Aiyana Ma’at, MSW, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist. However, the professional advice given here does not substitute for professional advice given by a licensed clinician in your state.

What I Learned From Tyler Perry On Oprah: Revealing His Horrific Childhood Abuse

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By Aiyana Ma’at While online yesterday I came across an article that told of the Tyler Perry interview that aired on Oprah just yesterday. When I finished reading, I promised that I would stay up (until 1am) for the repeat of the show. I just knew this was big. Well, I made it—until 1am that is—and it was so worth it.

Tyler Perry has to be one of the most courageous people I know (…not that I really know him. Smile…) He spoke of pain so deep you could feel it coming through the television screen. He says his childhood was—“Hell”, plain and simple. And, as he told his story the world got to hear just how hellacious (Is that a word? It is today.) his childhood was. As I listened to him talk about the intense beatings and hatred he experienced at the hands of his father (Who by the way had this to say about Tyler speaking out: “If I had beat his ass one more time he could have been Barack Obama.”) my heart hurt and tears welled up in my eyes. As I listened to him talk in detail about the molestation he experienced by several adults—all before the age of 10—I felt fear rising in my chest as I thought about my 4 innocent and precious children who my husband and I love with all of our being. I thought about the fact that this world is filled with some deeply disturbed and pained people and as one of our viewers commented yesterday—hurt people truly do hurt people.

However, as Oprah & Tyler’s conversation went on I felt the energy of the interview begin to shift and I knew in that moment that more important than the pain and the hurt, more incredible than the shock and awe of his horrible childhood, more impactful than the shame, confusion, anger, and craziness of it all—is the impact he will have on so many people who have experienced sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I am clear about this—there is power in owning and telling your story. Not only is it healing for you but you ignite the fire of healing in so many others. So, what did I learn and have re-affirmed from watching Tyler’s incredibly transparent and authentic interview? We must tell our stories…

Oprah & Tyler Call Each Other Close Friends

Below: An excerpt from the article (“The Buzz” with Jennifer Brett) I read that made me stay up until 1am to see Tyler Perry’s powerful interview.

Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey had a frank conversation about the most difficult time in his life during the episode that aired Wednesday. He discussed, in great candor, physical abuse he suffered as a child at the hands of his father, and sexual abuse by several others. “Predators know when a child is an easy mark,” Perry said. He remained silent for years, not wanting to cause his mother pain. After she passed away last year, he said, he felt it was time to bring it out into the open. “He knows and I know that because of who he is, this is going to be a pivotal moment not just for him but for millions of men who have survived the unthinkable and have never told a soul, especially their wives,” Winfrey said at the beginning of the show.

By the time he was 10, Perry said, he had been sexually abused by both a woman and several men, and was subjected to regular beatings by his father. His Aunt Jerry was in the audience and confirmed his recollections. She lived around the corner from Perry’s family when he was young, and said she once pointed a gun at Perry’s father after young Perry was beaten. “It’s hard for me to look at that child,” Perry said. “I feel like I died as a child. My father – he hated me so much and I couldn’t understand why. I was sickly all the time, I had asthma. He hated that about me.”

As a coping mechanism, Perry said he learned to escape mentally, explaining, “Every time somebody was doing something to me that was horrible, I could go to this park in my mind.” He also credits his faith for seeing him through. “I was suicidal. I thought, what is the point of living? My mother was my saving grace. She would take me to church with her. I wanted to know this God who made her so happy. I don’t know where I would be without faith in my life. She didn’t have much but she gave me Jesus.”

Perry’s father is still alive. “I don’t care” what he thinks about this going public, Perry said. He said there is “no remorse” on the part of his father, but he supports him financially, and pays for the home he lives in. “I forgave him,” Perry said. “The same amount of strength to take it, is the same amount of strength it takes to let it go. As a man I am not going to sit here and let myself suffer anymore.” Perry has often said that watching Winfrey’s show many years ago, long before they met, first inspired him to begin writing. He brought that up again Wednesday. By that time, both he and Winfrey, and probably everyone in the audience, were in tears.“On behalf of all the people who will never get the chance to sit here and tell you how much you have changed their lives over the past 25 years, I just want to thank you,” he told his friend. The two team up again on Nov. 5. On that day, the audience will consist of 200 men who will share stories of being abused, as Perry did on Wednesday.

To read the full article click here.

How Well Do You Really Communicate. Can You Do Better?

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VIDEO: One of the major issues that comes up time and time again in relationships is communication. In the classes we teach we often hear: someone isn’t talking enough, someone is talking too much, someone is always yelling, or someone doesn’t make sense. Does any of this sound familiar? The reason why there are some message mixups in our communication is because we haven’t been properly taught how to communicate with each other. In order to truly begin effectively communicating we must first learn what the various types of communication are. Here, we will discuss 5 Levels of Communication and challenge you to make your communication more authentic (REAL!) and transparent (SEE THROUGH!). Because we can always do better.

Some Women Want To Get With Married Men…… Why?

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VIDEO: What’s the attraction in messing with someone that doesn’t belong to you and messing up their relationship? There are a lot of woman out there that intentionally go after married men. Where is the respect ? Some folks are so focused on satisfying their own needs that they ignore the sacredness of marriage and the communal consequences of engaging in this “me first” behavior. This ain’t good!

Stephanie Modkins, an associated content.com writer, offered up her thoughts in an article she wrote with the following 5 reasons she thinks women date married men:

#1 The sex is hot. Just like a lot of men, many women crave sex. As a result, when some women meet a man that they have an undeniable sexual attraction to, they rush forward and pounce. Although it’s not always admitted to, this is one reason why some women just can’t let a married man go. They love the sex and, as a result, refuse to end the relationship.

#2 She doesn’t think it’s hurting anyone. Have you ever heard the saying ‘what you don’t know won’t hurt you?’ This is a statement that some females who play the role of the other woman live by. They feel that as long as nobody knows (especially the wife) what they’re doing, it’s okay. As a result, this woman will never stop seeing the married man until things blow up.

#3 She loves the money. Some women barter sex for money. This exchange is as old as the bible. As a result, if a man has a lot of cash that he’s willing to spend on her, the other woman will go for it without any regret. It’s not that she want’s to hurt anyone or even be the other woman, she just needs help paying her bills.

#4 She believes all men are dogs.You’d think that a woman who thinks so lowly of all men wouldn’t wind up in a dirty affair. However, this idea is wrong. Because she thinks all men are dogs, she expects very little from them – including faithfulness. So it seems natural to her that a married man would cheat since that’s what all men do anyway. If you ask her about the wife, nine times out of ten she’ll tell you about the number of times she’s been cheated on by a man. It’s her justification for her actions.

#5 She needs to feel powerful. This point is where I believe Monica Lewinsky falls. Sleeping with the President of the United States probably lifted her self-esteem and made her feel powerful. It’s a trap women fall into who like to sleep with high-profile men. They get their energy and life from an accomplished man instead of finding other ways to build themselves up.

In conclusion, the other woman might just be holding onto a married man for reasons outside of love. She has her own agenda and unless it’s upset in some type of way, she will never let go. Monica Lewinsky capitalized on her infamy by writing a book and starting a business.

What do you think B Intentional Family? Why is it so easy for some women to go after another woman’s husband? Leave a comment or submit a video response letting us know what you think.