Mary J. Blige Talks Pain, Love, Working With Her Husband, & Inspiration Behind Her New Album

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By Team BLAM

Mary J. Blige visited the “Chelsea Lately Show” last week and talked about the inspiration behind her new album “My Life II”. One of the reasons Mary J. Blige is as popular as she is in our opinion is because she is as honest and transparent as she is. Whe we are able to be honest about ourselves–where we’ve been and what we’ve been through–it actually liberates and free us to go to the next level in our lives.

In 2000, Blige met record industry executive Martin Kendu Isaacs, who later became her manager. The two were married on December 7, 2003, in a small private ceremony at Blige’s home attended by 50 guests. Check out her interview above and let us know what you think.

Can Black Women Achieve Marital Satisfaction? Participate In A Research Study Aiming To Answer This Very Question.

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By Dwayne L. Buckingham

All women, including Black women, should be afforded the opportunity to achieve marital satisfaction if desired, regardless of the nature of their childhood experiences. However, decades of research have shown that childhood experiences can affect children throughout their childhoods, extending into their adulthoods. Previous research literature about the marital satisfaction for Black women tends to focus primarily on socioeconomic and social interactions, but no studies have been conducted that explore Black women’s childhood experiences and how these experiences impact perceptions of achieving marital satisfaction.

Although 69 percent of all Black children are born outside of marriage, research regarding how Black women perceive their childhood experience and impacts perceptions of marital satisfaction have been poorly researched. Engaging in such research will help Black women gain insight about their personal performance or capability. It will also offer increasing understanding of how their parents’ interactions during their childhood may have influenced their beliefs about their ability to accomplish tasks in childhood and how that self-confidence has extended into adulthood. Early works on child development posited that childhood experiences play an instrumental role in shaping and influencing the perceptions and behavior of adults.

Exploring and understanding the parent-child relationship is very important in explaining and understanding adult behavior because behaviors parents engage in serve as models for children and children’s well-being is associated with parental style.

The ability to achieve marital satisfaction is becoming more difficult for many Americans, especially Black women. If you struggle to achieve marital satisfaction and would like to gain insight into your childhood experience and how it impacts your perception of achieving marital satisfaction, we would like to speak with you.

If you are a married Black female, over the age of 18 and were raised in a two parent or guardian household, and are willing to talk about your childhood experience and perception of achieving marital satisfaction, please contact us to participate in the research study entitled, “A Phenomenological Study of the Lived Childhood Experience of Black Women and How These Experiences Impact Perceptions of Achieving Marital Satisfaction.”

See below to secure additional information and to discuss your eligibility. All participants will receive $30 for the participating in the interview.

Read more

The One Woman Show In My Head Is Robbing Me Of My Peace

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By Lana Moline

The place where I get mad the most is in my mind.  I scream, cry and have a full tantrum all in my head. You see I’m too composed to loose it with the sets of peering eyes standing around jumping to conclusions.  I wouldn’t have that.  So instead, I retreat into my mind way behind the smile and MAC lipglass.  While my neighbor is sharing how great her daughter is doing in dance class, I’m having a knock down, drag out fight in my head because I’ve determined that whatever has happened and whoever has wronged me deserves all of my attention all of the time.  But then I hear something that snaps me back to the present.  “Are you ok,” my neighbor says.  Although I say yes, the blank look on my face says otherwise.

The problem with this is that I’ve given one situation too much power and not put it in its proper perspective. I’ve let it interfere with other areas of my happy existence where it should not have been welcomed.  Life is a highway of experiences and we know all too well how uncomfortable traffic jams are.  The majority of the delay in traffic jams is because other drivers slow down just to see and once they see what is going on then they continue on their way.

So what if we allowed every single setback, disappointment or offending word to cause a major traffic jam in our lives?  The flow of progression would consistently be stalled or delayed and it may even jam up others who are around and those private knock down sessions that happens from time to time would be counterproductive all around.

What I now understand is that sure I can get mad and I may have some onlookers who witness but something amazing can become of that.  As I allow the time to let it go and process, I can challenge myself to move past the pain to accept the lesson and that’s the beauty of it all.  The flaw in having this one woman show in my head was that it robbed me of peace and stifled my witness and the long-term effect of that cycle could have been tragic.  We all need one another to help us to STOP PLAYING AND START PUSHING!  This one is my thank you to The Ma’ats for sharing the journey.

Lana Moline is a freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her at www.lanamolinespeaks.wordpress.com


3 Reasons To Love The “Other Woman”

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By MrsSays

Look at her.  She’s gotten her hair done and made sure her nails have gotten their proper treatment too.  Consideration has gone into her clothes and she switched out her handbag to coordinate.  She looks and feels good.  She has her fair share of responsibilities but she gets it all in.  She takes time for her interests and appreciates the value of her social life. She obviously loves herself.  No wonder your husband loves her too.

Before you get into your fighting stance let me clue you in…the other woman is YOU! Before you were married and before the babies and the bills and parent-teacher conferences she was YOU! Before you start expressing how much of my mind I must have lost if I think you have the time/money take a look at a few reasons you need to love the other woman again.

1) For you: If is counter-intuitive but you can’t be the wife, mother, friend or employee that you want to be if you take any time to energize yourself. It is pretty easy to roll your eyes at your husband and yell at your kids when you are tired and mourning your former life. Even the Proverbs 31 woman took time to share her talents for her own sake.

Proverbs 10: 22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple

It is only right that you reserve some of the intellect, know-how and general flyness you share with your family with yourself. You deserve it.

2) For your kids: Your kids should be the reason instead of the excuse for you to invest in yourself.  With all of the negative images out there the last thing they need to think is that a wife and mother should be a martyr and self-care is reserved for the single.  Modeling behavior is the best way to teach a skill.  The best way to show your children how a wife and mother should be treated is to treat yourself well.

3) For your marriage: Marriage is not 50/50.  It requires 100% of both of you. Your husband loves ALL of you including the other you. Giving your true self is a precious and valuable gift.  Continuing to preserve and cultivate yourself will insure that neither of you is clueless as to what to do with yourselves and your relationship after the children are grown. Do both of you a favor and make sure he experiences the best of both worlds in you.

Do you make taking care of yourself a priority? Do you think it is feasible if you have a young family?

About Mrs Says: 11 years ago  I became a partner in this thing call marriage.  My middle school sweetheart became my husband and I started to become someone else.  This isn’t a bad thing…as a matter of fact it is a very GOOD thing but either way it is a different thing.The point of MrsSays is to celebrate the world of Marriage from a woman’s point of view and to express all of the ups and downs, challenges and triumphs in the life of a married woman. I encourage you to be the the best YOU in your marriage, speak your mind and hopefully grow with me. Read more from MrsSays at http://mrssays.com/

Psst! Psst!! Is Your Ex STILL Occupying Space In Your Mind?

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By Lana Moline

Psst!  Psst!!  Hey sis I’m talking to you girlfriend.  Well don’t smirk too much brother because I’m talking to you too.  I have a question for both of y’all actually and I want you to be 100% honest with yourself.  Is your ex still occupying space in your mind?

Now before you get mad at me let me remind you that you told me that your husband doesn’t kiss you like “him” or she doesn’t do it for you like “her.”  You put that out there.  I know we can’t erase our experiences but come on.  At what point do we vault it and leave it there?

Yes, “that” weekend was great and yes her mama wanted you to be her son-in-law (and she still calls you that) but it’s over and you both have moved on.  Instead of dwelling in euphoric recall, recognize that you made the decision to end the relationship for a reason that made perfect sense at the time.  It’s unfair for you to second-guess yourself now especially since you have grown, matured and learned from your past.

I hear you when you share that it is hard sometimes and things don’t always click.  I get that but here’s the thing.  Are you stepping up to the plate as fierce or as suave as you did back then?  Do you bring your “A” game every single time like you did when you on the prowl?  See it’s easy to window shop and test drive but closing a deal requires something different.  It means that you have examined the fine print and agree to all the terms.  You accept responsibility for your part in the investment and you are good with that.

Now, I know for a fact that you love your spouse and that somehow life’s experiences may be getting in the way and messing with your balance in it all.  It happens but let me say this:  trying to walk straight while looking backwards just might land you flat on your face.  I say this to you in love, I do.  The commitment of the here and now is real and that should spark the flame baby.  So the next time you share something about your relationship, please let it be known that your spouse is the most wonderful (you fill in the blank).  It’s good talking to you sugar!

Lana Moline is a freelance writer and poet who lives in Ft. Worth with her three kids and husband Emile. Married 11 years, both media professionals have vowed to maintain integrity in all aspects of print and broadcast journalism.Visit her at www.lanamolinespeaks.wordpress.com


I Was Frustrated, Disappointed, And Mad As Hell…BUT…What A Difference A Year Makes (Part 2)

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Yesterday, I wrote about the day my husband’s sons were born. I wrote about the range of emotions that I felt and how ill prepared I was to handle those emotions. Today, I am writing about 365 days later. Today is the boys’ birthday. Who would have thought that I would be ordering cake for little ones that I now call my sons? But today that’s where I am.

I wish I can say the past year has been an amazingly glorious time of reconciliation and growth. While that statement is true, I have to note that for each step we’ve taken forward, there have also been some pretty big potholes that we’ve had to overcome.

Like the fiscal aspect. It goes without saying that kids are expensive. When you are pregnant, you get a baby shower with cake, games, and gifts. These gifts help offset the huge financial hit of having a baby. Well, imagine having TWO babies, years after you’ve given away all of your oldest kids’ baby stuff without a shower. From formula to diapers to clothes to cribs, it’s been a tough fiscal year.

Then there is the legal hassle. Call me crazy but I thought that since there are 365 days in a year, one parent would get 182 and the other would get 183. In this age of all sorts of blended families this should be easy, right? Ummm, not so much. This has been a painfully slow, nerve racking process that still isn’t over.

An unexpected problem has been the interference from family. We’ve had the oddest people to totally overstep their boundaries and basically act a fool. For the first few months of the twins’ lives, they were not allowed to come to our home. Because of that my husband and I had one rule – no extended family should meet the boys until the immediate family meets the boys. Not because we were hiding anything. Not because we were ashamed of anything. But we as a family unit had to come to terms with this first. We were the ones who were going to be here day in and day out. And we deserved a few moments to define ourselves and unify before we had to deal with anyone else. That went out the window when family – family that we thought would be rallying around us – decided to ignore our wishes. And not just once but repeatedly. So some family have been dropped from our “family circle.” If you can’t respect my husband as head of our household, and abide by the rules we set for all of our children, then you can no longer darken my door. Harsh? Maybe. But I can not concerned about what extended family thinks when I am fighting for the survival of our family unit.

The question I get asked most often is “how do you and the other woman interact?” I guess in this age of Basketball Wives people expect me to continue the drama. And why write if you aren’t going to keep it honest? While I wish I could say that I’ve been all Joyce Meyer-ish, I’ve gone “Real Housewives” more than a few times. For the longest time I wanted an apology. I wanted her to look me in my face and admit her wrongdoing in the situation. I wanted her to look past her wants and think about the kids and what’s best for them. But alas, we aren’t there. And honestly we may never be there. I may never like her – ever. But I do have to respect her as a parent and eventually forgive her – not for her sake but for my own. But for now, we rarely cross paths. It’s better that we keep it real church-like. You know “let the Lord watch ‘tween us whilst we are apart.” And that is a good first step.

And finally, I’ve embraced my title as mom-mom. Is it made up? Yep. But it’s mine. In the past year I’ve learned that I can love God enough to trust him. I’ve learned that people really can change. I’ve seen my daughters show such compassion and care for their brothers. I’ve learned that forgiveness is real. And I’ve learned that in just 1 year – just 365 days – that my life can be fuller than I ever imagined. I get to live Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

Read Part 1 HERE

BLAM Fam: Neysa’s story epitomizes the essence of our company tag line: “Stop Playing. Start Pushing.” For those of you that are going through similar situations or much less….Are you being intentional in your healing and/or growing process?

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” ~ Dale Carnegie


“Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.” ~ Denis Waitley

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

I Was Frustrated, Disappointed, And Mad As Hell…BUT…What A Difference A Year Makes (Part 1)

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

A year ago, the phone rang and I received  phone call that I knew was coming but that I dreaded nonetheless.  My husband called to tell me that his mistress was in labor.  Of course, I knew this day would come.  I mean I’m not slow.  I knew that she was pregnant with twins and that unless she was hit by a bus, chances were she would deliver one day.  But as much as I understood that logically.  I did not understand that emotionally.  But lo and behold, the phone rang.  And with the words, “she’s going to the hospital”   I knew that my life was changing although I didn’t know if it was for the better or the worse.

I thought I was ready for this day.  I thought I had prepared.  Our marriage had reconciled and while it had bumpy moments, we were slowly but steadily moving forward.  We had a nursery ready to welcome them to our home.  But I wasn’t ready.  In my mind, the plan went like this.  She’d have kids at the hospital.  After they arrived, we would travel to go see the babies in the nursery.  We would immediately start paperwork for paternity and visitation.  And life would continue.  That was my plan.  But in reality it went something like this.  My husband went to the hospital.  I stayed home with our daughters and almost drove myself crazy.  Big things were happening.  Life changing things were happening.  Things that directly affected my life were happening and I could do nothing about it.  That drove me crazy!  I am a do-er.  I plan, I execute, I do.  Inaction is never an option for me.  But in this instance there was nothing useful that I could do.  So I cleaned my house.  I hung with my daughters.  And then I washed all of the baby clothes that friends had given me.

I washed and gingerly folded clothes that for a child that didn’t come from me.  With each tiny little hanger that I placed in the closet, I wondered what was going on at the hospital?  Would my marriage make it through this situation?  Would my daughters see this as a form of weakness or a lesson in faith?  Would my husband be able commit to being faithful?  How would I feel about the babies?  How would my children feel?  Will my family ever accept the situation?  Am I ready to be a parent to babies again?  Will this woman ever understand the enormity of what she’s done?  Does she finally get it?  Will she use the children as pawns?  I asked this and a million other questions.

Throughout the night my husband would call me with updates.  I wish that I could say that I handled it well.  I wish that I prayed and said loving words of encouragement and understanding.  I wish I could say that.  But instead I’m going to tell the truth.  I cussed him up one side and down another.  After dealing with the affair, after learning of the impending births, after preparing the nursery, we hadn’t emotionally and spiritually prepared for this moment.  And all the hurt that I thought I was past and over, came flooding back in that moment because I knew what it was like to have his child.  I knew how special that moment was.  I knew that in the moment where your child is brought into the world you look at them and want them to have every advantage under the sun.  You want their lives to be free from hardships, especially hardships that you helped to create.  And for the first time, when my husband felt the emotions of holding a child for the first time I wouldn’t be there to share in that moment.

The moment he shared with me was later when he sent me pictures of his sons.    As I looked at the images I searched for signs of him in their faces.  I asked all the required questions, “what are their names?  How big are they?  Are they healthy?”  I had no emotional connection to them.  That wouldn’t come until much later.   But I had hope  – hope that the storms we had already weathered had made us strong enough to weather this tsunami.  And I had faith – faith that all the painful lessons that I learned weren’t in vain.  Faith that however this story ended that God would see me through.

*Check out Part 2 tomorrow to see the miracle that can happen when you allow yourself to go through the process.*

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick. An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing. You can read more of her work at www.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.

Aiyana Ma’at Talks About What It Takes To Be Married With 1690 WVON’s “Talk Of Chicago” Matt McGill

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Recently Aiyana wrote an article on our site titled, “Ladies, You’re Not Ready To Get Married If….” Needless to say it generated a lot of buzz and attracted the national radio audience. She was called by the Matt McGill Show (WVON 1690AM) and asked to speak on her piece. Check out the interview and let us know what you think.

Is Marriage For White People? That’s A Dumb-A*% Question!

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By Aiyana Ma’at

Okay, so pardon my profanity in the title of this article. But, that’s how I really feel. I haven’t said much in response to the book “Is Marriage For White People” by Stanford Law Professor Ralph Richard Banks. The book has received a whole lot of press and Professor Banks has gotten a whole lot of attention but we haven’t commented over here at BLAM because frankly, the title to the book is stupid and annoying.

Before I go on let me be clear this is not a review or analysis of the book. Rather, this is a response to all of the articles and television programs that are giving so much attention to not only the book but that question in and of itself.

Is Marriage For White People? Really? Let me ask you this.

Is Education For White People?

Is Raising Children For White People?

Is Home Ownership For White People?

Uhhhh….No.

Do people in general, and black folks in particular, have certain psycho-socio-economic hills to climb when it comes to restoring our relationships and our families? Yes.

Are there things that we as a people can do much better at when it comes to learning how to express our love to our children in whole and healthy ways? You bet.

Do we need to pay closer attention to the profound impact of poverty in our communities and learn the skills necessary to build generational wealth in our families and communities?  I am screaming an emphatic Yes!!, Yes!!, yes!!!

And, even with this knowledge that we have some significantly serious things to work on I (as well as most folks) don’t ask stupid questions like “Is Marriage For White People?”. All communities have things they need to work on. Do we hear other communities giving concentrated consideration to “tapping out” and saying “I’m tired of this, let’s just give up”.

And, yes that’s the message that the title “Is Marriage For White People” is generating in our community and beyond—that we should just abandon our own restoration. And, like a colleague and friend of mine, Ronnie Harris Tyler, of BlackAndMrriedWithKids.com, recently said on Headline News “It’s Dangerous”.

Not only is it dangerous, stupid, and annoying—-but it’s a DUMB ASS QUESTION.

Black Folks, don’t be distracted. Let’s keep building. Stop Playing. Start Pushing.

Aiyana Ma’at is the wife of Ayize Ma’at, mom of 4, and co-founder and owner of this website, BlackLoveAndMarriage.com, as well as PurposePusher.com. Aiyana is a Seeker, Motivator, Risk Taker, Explorer, & Overcomer. She is a self-described PurposePusher and does her best to live her life with self-awareness and intention. Some of her official titles include licensed psycho-therapist, certified marriage educator & relationship coach and speaker. She is clear that a part of the call on her life is to help bring insight and awareness to others so that they can “get out of their own way” and create the lives they want to have.


An Open Letter To Married Men: She Ain’t Your Wife….LEAVE HER ALONE!

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By Neysa Ellery Taylor

Fellas, you didn’t think I was going to let you off that easy, (An Open Letter To Single Sisters: He’s Married LEAVE HIM ALONE), did you? Come on.. You know me better than that.

Why is it so hard to stay faithful to one woman? Since we’ve been communicating for awhile, don’t try to hand me the normal crap. None of the “well you know, men are visual creatures. We need variety.” Or the “the only thing better than good p*ssy is new p*ssy.” We are beyond that. So what is it? I mean can you really explain it to me?

Is it“my wife just doesn’t understand me anymore?” Have you tried talking with her? UMMMM, chances are the answer is no. For some reason, humans have a hard time talking to the person that they claim means the most to them. Instead of running off at the mouth with the next chick, how about talking with your wife.

“We don’t have sex like we used to.” Are your moves predictable? Can she count on the exact same 3 moves every night? I love cheesecake but I have a sneaky suspicision that if I ate it every night for a month, I might be sick of it and want a Snickers bar instead. Go back to your bag of tricks and put in some horizontal work.

“She’s gained weight.” Are you eating what she’s cooking? I thought so. So chances are you’ve gained too. So take over the cooking duties a few times a week. Ask her to go on a walk with you to spend some quality time together. See how slick that was? I didn’t mention exercise or tell her to lose weight. I said “quality time.” Believe me, the phrasing makes all the difference.

“She doesn’t keep herself up anymore.” Quick. Take out your cell phone and credit card. Call her best friend and tell her to make a hair, mani/pedi, Brazillian wax, and massage appointment for your wife. Ask the best friend to take her to the MAC counter to get a makeover. Go to Victoria Secret and pick out something that you want to see her in. Gift wrap the package. Send the kids to their grandma’s house. When your wife gets home, take her out and show her off. After all of the positive attention that she receives, she will do it more often. Trust me.

“We’ve grown apart.” Valid problem, but not an irreconcilable difference. Call your church’s marriage ministry. Attend marriage Sunday school. Talk to each other. Talk to a counselor. Go on vacation together to a place neither of you have been. That will force you to talk to each other. Or recreate early memories. Where was your first date? Go there. Recapture that love.

“It’s just easy with the other woman.” Of course it’s easy. Do you think getting into trouble is ever hard? Do you think thatsatan is stupid? No. The enemy wants you to perceive it as easier to make you make mistakes. Duh! So it is easy with the mistress right now. She never complains. She never fusses with you. She never makes you angry, right? Do you know why? Because she doesn’t know all of you. She has been entertaining your PR agent. She doesn’t know your quirks or shortcomings. That’s because she is your mistress, not your wife.

And that’s the fundemental difference between a mistress and a wife.  A mistresses loves the PR agent, while wives love the man.

CLICK HERE to read Part 1 (An Open Letter To My Single Sisters: He’s Married…LEAVE HIM ALONE)

Neysa Ellery Taylor lives in Nashville, Tennessee with her husband, Chris, and their 4 children – Asyen, Maya, Preston, and Patrick.  An Emmy-Award winning journalist, she hopes to share her passion for marriage and God through her writing.  You can read more of her work atwww.myriadthatisme.blogspot.com.