I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 3

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letter Cont’d

My saving grace…

After prayer and much conviction, I sought out one of my other good friends ( a godly woman, that lives her life according to the word). I confessed my sins to her and explained what I was going through and she was very understanding and referred me right to the word of God. She even prayed with me. She never judged me. And she was honest with me. She expressed to me that I was headed in a danger zone. She told me about one of her other friends that was in a similar situation. They agreed to be a part of that lifestyle and their marriage was ruined forever. She gave me scriptures to refer to and meditate on day and night. That same night another girlfriend of mine invited me to her church that next day. I went to the service, and Im grateful I did. The word was just for me. “God will give us a way of escape!” I knew I was headed down a path of destruction.

My husband became angry with me after realizing I had a change of mind. His words to me were “You have been saved a long time and this lifestyle has been ‘a part’ of you for a long time and you mean to tell me you’re just this new found woman over night?!” I was literally fighting the devil himself. Every time my husband would bring the issue up, I went straight for the word. I was in a battle. Finally he stopped bringing it up but our relationship changed forever. His heart is hardened toward me. Our relationship was already rocky prior to these last issues. So this was basically the icing on the cake. When ever there was a disagreement about something, he would always end with “well maybe I should just leave, besides it doesnt help that we have our issues that wont go away.” This comment lets me know that he has not forgot and has not forgiven me. And it’s obvious he does not trust me. I’m still hurt and confused because I having been thinking “what the devil meant for harm, God will turn around for me good.” Im not seeing any good come out of this. We are barely existing in this relationship.

To make matters worse the enemy will bring “gay topics or comments” up in my household. If its through TV like the news, questions the kids may have, a sitcom, a movie….HE WILL NOT LET MY HUSBAND FORGET. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. Im afraid of talking to other women cause I am worried about what he may think, I dont have any friends come over or do things with them (he thinks all are my friends are suspect). My best friend and I no longer talk. I look at romance movies or tv shows and I cry. When I see couples that are in love and how they handle each other or when I see other woman hanging with friends, having a good time, and the husbands are in another room hanging out and everybody is having a great time, I cant help but to think…”my life should be like that” I feel like the devil has stolen so much from me. Where is the good in all of this? I don’t see it. We have had TONS of issues in our 15 years of marriage. The Good times can be counted on one hand. I am weak, I am a emotional reck, I am insecure, I am vulnerable, I feel unloved, unappreciated…etc.

I have made several mistakes in my life. However I have come to God, many, many times, seeking His forgivness. Admitting my faults and my issues, my idols, my strongholds…EVERYTHING. I take it to the throne of grace before HIm. Yet no real deliverance.  Yet no change in my husband. Ive been trying to say that gving up is not an option but honestly sometimes giving up looks better then what I am going through now. God couldnt possibly want this for me life. I AM NOT LIVING.

Before you ask, my husband and I do belong to a word teaching church. It’s a great church, however it’s a mega church. At times I don’t feel connected. We have belonged to this church over 10 years and my husband doesn’t want to leave. I on the other hand is reaching for another level in Christ and my church is not providing that at the time. I don’t want to be at separate churches so I watch other churches online, where the spirit of the Lord is high. I receive fulfillment from TV and attend our church with him on Sunday. We have done christian therapy and counseling twice before. Even though a lot has happened since we have gone to counseling, I don’t think he will be willing to go again. His heart has hardened toward me. At this time I don’t believe he thinks that lifestyle is wrong, especially if he reaps the benefits. It’s a double standard for sure. Just the other day the news was talking about gay marriage and my daughter asked him “dad, isn’t being gay a sin?” He told her, “well it depends on how you look at it.” With a very confused look on my face, I’m thinking “really?” I didn’t comment, only because I just didn’t want to go back down that road with him. Satan makes sure that topic is never far!

I really need help. My best friend do not talk anymore. I don’t go out any where or hang with friends. I do nothing. This isn’t living. Do I reconcile with my best friend or do I let that friendship die? How do I handle all other relationships? Do I just not have any friends because of how he feels or the thoughts he has?

Looking for freedom!

CLICK HERE to read Part 1

CLICK HERE to read Part 2

Thank You For Your Prayers…Surgery Was Successful!

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What’s up Fam,

Thanks for all of your prayers.  The surgery was successful and Asante is doing well.  He’s on pain meds (epidural) right now which will be gradually reduced over the next couple of days.  Today was his first day of physical training which consisted of getting out of the bed : )  Thanks again for all of your prayers and well wishes..we will definitely need them over the next 4-6 months.

I’ve Been Married For 4 Years and For 4 Years I’ve Been Cheated On

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VIDEO:  My husband has been cheating 4 years out of the 4 years we’ve been married. I’ve been supportive to this man through all the ups and downs. He came into to the marriage with nothing and I help build him up to be stable. I never it up. However, this man just don’t seem to get it. He tells me that he loves me and wants his marriage, but I just can’t deal with this anymore. We’ve had marriage counseling, I’ve talked to him, I’ve done everything possible but I’m tired now. When it comes to sex, it’s almost none existent in our marriage. We are always arguing about this subject. He claims that I’m always clawing at him, but I mean if I haven’t had sex in 21 days or longer, I think coming on to him isn’t clawing. I’m just trying to fulfill my sexual lack. Most of the time he texts me all day long about how he’s gonna make sweet love to me when we get home, but when we get home, he never does any of the stuff he says (meaning he general makes up an excuse about being tried or he stays up late playing the video game until I fall asleep). Recently, I found out he was cheating on me for 8 months with a woman at his job. When I asked him why he said because he couldn’t talk to me and she was easier to talk with. What the …. When I try to talk to this man, he only wants to talk about his job. If I try to talk about other subjects he’s uninterested. The female at his job called me by getting my number from his emergency contact (which is how she found out he was married). This female told me about how they talk about everything under the sun (yes, they do. He talk so much he told her about our life minus me being in it and our daugther.)  This female claimed to be pregnant from him. When I addressed him about the infidelity he lied and told me he wasn’t. He even said “prove it” I’m not cheating.  So, I waited until he got home from work and then told him I wanted him to meet someone, I called the girl from his phone. He was so out done, he just left the house.  He then came back 2 days later and asked me to forgive him he wouldn’t cheat again, he’s learned his lesson.  Me being the idiot, forgave him. Now, I’ve having the same feelings that he is cheating again. I have made it clear that if he is cheating again, he has to move it to the less because I am not going through the mess.  I told him that marriage is for grown folk, not for children pretending to be grown.  He claims I’m just insecure, but I say I’m being wise. He goes out on his motorcycle (leaving at 9pm coming home at 1 am talking about he lost track of time).  I packed his clothes and told him, I lost my husband and asked him to leave my home.  Now, he’s acting like I’m dead wrong and he’s really not cheating.  My question is am I wrong for feeling like he’s up to his same old crap or should I have a little more faith and believe he’s truly being honest.  I have access to his voicemail, email, ect… however, that didn’t stop him from cheating in the past. So please give me some advise on this issue. I’m just feeling like I’ve done all that I can do and this is too much for any woman to handle.  The sex is still on the blink and have been as I previously stated, but he says he’s not cheating.  I keep myself up, I don’t argue with him, I keep the house clean, I have a successful career, I support him 100%, I cook dinner every night and take care of our daughter.  I do everything I am to do as a wife and as a mother.  He tells me, I’m sex to him and he loves my body and he’s always telling me, I’m the most beautiful attractive woman he has ever met.  But then he wraps up with “I’m just too good”.  What does that mean… I’m just too good?? I’m lost on this. I’ve laid down some rules of marriage, told him he’s going to be accountable for anything he does, I’ve also made it very clear that if I find that he’s cheating again we will get a divorce. He claims he understand, but then he goes on the night rides on his motorcycle, he will text me instead of calling me and he wants me to be understanding and trusting. I just want to make sure I’m not crazy, because something is wrong somewhere. Help with some advice please.

BLAM FAM….What do you think she should do?

What Do You Do When Both Of You Are Weak?

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There’s been a bit of tension in the Ma’at home over the past couple of days.  I’ve been a bit grumpy and agitated by the slightest of things.  Aiyana has been more quiet than usual.  There’s been this uneasiness infecting the typically pleasant atmosphere in our home.  I raise my hand and acknowledge that I’m guilty of contributing to the distasteful energy…but it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized the reason I am where I am emotionally is because I’m feeling a bit weak and overwhelmed by the thought of my son’s upcoming surgery.   When you get a sec check out this video and let me know what you do when both you and your spouse are feeling weak.

You Are Not In Control

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Family we’re 4 days out from our son’s second hip surgery and this morning he made a comment which caught me totally off guard.  I took some time to sit still and deal with some of my emotions surrounding his upcoming surgery.  In the end I rest on the fact that I’m not in control….GOD IS.  Family keep us in your prayers….

I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 2

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Part 2 of letter:

My best friend, who is bisexual, knew of my past. However I didn’t open up to her until after she told me she was bisexual and was always attracted to me. We had been friends a long time before I knew this about her. I never had a clue.
Once she disclosed this info to me, I kept it to myself. I never told my husband, because of how he was. He seemed jealous of my relationships, he seemed to have an issue with everything and everyone and to top it off he was homophobic! SO I THOUGHT. My husband should be my best friend. I should be comfortable telling him everything, without judgement.

It made it very uncomfortable for me at first, knowing my best friend had been attracted to me, many years ago. But we moved on and never let that hinder our friendship. I will say there were times I thought about my past and my curiosity.  So, years later, one day she and I went out. We had drinks and a night of fun. However, on the way home, we ended up kissing, AWKWARD! To this day I’m not really sure what brought this on, but we kissed. That is all it was. A kiss. I will say that I was very vulnerable, and she knew it. But nothing became of that and we moved on. When she told me the truth about herself and how she once felt about me, she also told me about a friend of her’s who knew all about me and how my best friend use to feel about me. Well she used that information to her advantage. One day we all went out. She was a very nice girl and we all had a good time. This girl however had an ulterior motive. She invited my best friend and I back to her house. She gave us drinks and put on porn movies. Of course I was horny and very aroused watching it. She walked to the back of her apartment and about 10 minutes later she asked us to come back. She was basically setting us up for a threesome. Lights were out and soft music was playing. Now for someone as curious as me, you would think I would be excited, or thinking “I can finally get my chance to find out” But that couldn’t be further from the truth! I was extremely uncomfortable and wanted to run. My best friend was uncomfortable too. So basically all that happened was some touching. NO oral sex or anything like that. Again, my best friend and I never really discussed that day but maybe just about how embarrassed we both were. My friend always had my best interest at heart and never wanted to see me get hurt.

Fast Forward….

My husband, about a year and 4 months ago, decided to have a conversation about polygamy with my son. My son, with his curious mind, after watching a clip from the news said he wouldn’t mind having two or more women. Of course my husband whispered to me, “its a double standard cause what man wouldn’t want two women” and then he kinda smiled at me. I’m thinking “he can’t be serious, not my husband” SO this started a night of a long “pillow talk” discussion. Questions were asked of me like “have I ever, would I ever, are any of my friends gay or bisexual or do I know anyone who is…blah blah blah. Of course at the time, I’m thinking he seems so sincere. Which is rare during any of our conversations. I was very timid and was thinking he had an ulterior motive to get me to confess something. I took a gamble and I confessed that my best friend had been with a woman before (her being bisexual was not mentioned at the time). Of course he then asked me would I ever, have I ever kissed her or consider a threesome. Again I was even shocked at the question but of course I shrugged it off as no big deal and said eeeww, heck no! Thats my best friend. I was not completely comfortable giving that info. This conversation started a bunch of other conversations and sparked his “obvious curiosity”. He wasn’t getting the answers he wanted to hear from me so he called my best friend and asked her himself  “have you been with my wife”. Instead of simply saying NO, she says “I am not going to talk about anyone else’s business. If you want to know about your wife, ask your wife” NOW, my husband is a police officer and he interrogates people for a living. THAT basically answered his question. He told her he had to call her right back because someone had came into his office. She then calls me to say what was being said and of course I’m like, why didn’t you just say no?!! She said “what is the big deal? It happened a long time ago, you know he likes it anyway and he is curious. Besides he is going to be calling me back, what do you want me to say?’ I said well its too late now, you have already answered his question! Just admit to it. Which is exactly what she did.

This started a month of hell for me! My husband, comes home after that conversation with her, with flowers for me!! He has NEVER bought me flowers before! So I was completely shocked and confused. I was thinking “Lord you cant be serious? You cant possibly be using this ordeal to bring us closer!!” I was so hurt. I didn’t know what to think. It took me admitting to being with a woman for him to show any type of admiration toward me? How could that be? He quickly became very interested in what I had to say. He gave me undivided attention, which he never does! He seemed totally sincere and understanding. Then he shocked me even more by saying he wanted to see me and my best friend together, and he wanted a threesome! “WHAT?” “LORD REALLY?? THis isn’t your will for my life is it?” But I was scared to say no. He seemed so “into” me. We started having sex almost everyday, he was being a little but more freaky (excuse my expression). He seemed to be very aroused and horny. BUT IT WASN”T ME AT ALL, IT WAS HIS THOUGHTS that brought all this on. He wasn’t turned on by me, he was turned on by the thought of his fantasy finally being played out.

I KNOW THIS IS LONG AND I AM SORRY! I need healing, my marriage needs healing and Im desperate! I don’t think he will do counseling AGAIN! I need direction from The Lord!

Moving on…So once he started acting more ‘into’ me, and after the discussions of having a threesome, I agreed to do it. I was liking the attention he was giving me. Even though I had a hard time understanding how this situation was going to turn my marriage around, I was going to do it anyway. (Deception Big Time!) I was being deceived and the enemy was using my husband to do it. He started asking me questions about my past, which made me very uncomfortable because I was still unsure of his motives. I went ahead and told him what happened as a young girl. My story didn’t seem to bother him much because he figured I wasn’t being all the way truthful. In his mind, I has been with several women, sexually, for the majority of my life. He thought that it was my lifestyle. And nothing I could say or do would change is mind. He also kinda figured out that I was basically having a emotional connection to another female. ( another story I didnt mention, we can touch on that later) He then got angry when “my truth” didnt line up with the ‘truth’ in his head. Things were not as they appeared to be. He was thinking all kind of things about me that were not true at all. But in his mind, because they were his thoughts, it must have been true.

He started contacting my best friend again, asking her different questions about me, us, and things in general. My husband, being the type of person he was, would interpret things totally different from how they actually were and he would come home to me and think I would be lying. So basically there was a lot of back and forth between him and my best friend, between him and I and between her and me. Stories would get really mixed up. He lashed out and her, cursed her out and told her she was no longer welcome in our home. He was basically upset things were not going his way.

PART III COMING SOON

My Husband Is A Big Baby Sometimes…Is Yours?

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By Aiyana Ma’at

It’s amazing to me how sickness can pass through the house and the main one who always seems to be “man down” is my husband.  I love him to death but dude really? lol  I know I’m not the only one in this boat because ALL of my girlfriends say the exact same thing….”My husband acts like a big baby when he’s sick”.  For the most part it’s all good because Mama is going to take care of you…BUT..many -a- times I’m thinking to myself…”Dude, is it really that serious? Does every cold have to be the Flu?” lol

Are You Paralyzed By Fear In Your Relationship?

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What does it mean to live in authentic connection?

Authenticity is permission we give ourselves to be real, to be who we are, consciously aware of warts and graces.  This permission frees us to give and live in relation to our self and others, especially key others, from a place of love, and not fear. Authenticity is knowing how to love our self, others and our life with our whole heart.

When we love with our whole heart, we feel safe enough to face our fears.

And, our deepest fears are not about spiders, snakes or bridges, which are surface fears.

Our deepest fears have to do with connection, closeness, intimacy, and relationships; they are matters of the heart.

It’s not the fears per se that get us stuck or take over our brain’s higher thinking functions, however. It’s our fear of fear. This fear stems from not knowing how to stop our brain from thinking anxious thoughts that produce an anxious mind, or eventually a depressed or emotionally numb mind.

At root, fear of intimacy is fear of knowing ourselves up close.

CLICK HERE to read more.

 

I’m Struggling With Same Sex Attraction Part 1

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I first I want to say that I love reading your blog. I love watching you guys together, your chemistry is real. I also love your sense of humor as well…it puts a smile on my face and keeps me going! Seriously.

Anyway, I’m just so overwhelmed in my life and marriage that I dont know where to begin. I could write a book about my life. I am a woman, wife and mother after God’s own heart. Its a daily struggle for me. I know the word says that God will put no more on me then I can bare…doesn’t feel like that. I don’t see any good coming out of what the enemy meant for harm.

My marriage is not thriving, we have sooo many issues from, trust, lust, lying, infidelity, sexual immorality….just stuff! My husband wanted a threesome cause he found out my best friends was bisexual and that we kissed. That’s a long story but that’s not the life I want for myself or my marriage. His heart has hardened toward me. We are just existing, more like roommates and my heart hurts so bad! Below, in bold italics is another email I sent to another blog looking for help but I haven’t received a response. I know this is a long email and a lot of information. Hopefully you will be able to respond, if not, please keep me in your prayers.

This will be very difficult for me to share so please bare with me. No one knows what I’m about to share, at least not in full detail, besides my best friend.

I have struggled with same sex attraction for a while. Actually not really attraction, it’s been more of a ‘sexual’ thing for me. Its not like I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I would get more aroused from watching porn of two women then actually wanting to be engaged in the act.

My past:
My first sexual experience was with a girl. I was spending the night with a friend, about 10 years old, and she started touching me during the middle of the night. I thought I was dreaming. I knew it felt good until but then I woke up and realized it was happening for real. I was too ashamed to say anything and too scared to actually let her know I knew what was going on. So I pretended to still be sleep, while she touched me. Nothing was ever said. This ordeal basically opened a Pandora’s box. The second encounter, which was about a year later, was basically two childhood friends playing house…nothing major right? Harmless so I thought. We touched each other, kissed each other…”playing mommy and daddy”. But of course two young to really understand, the seed had been planted.

I never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman but I often wondered what it would be like sexually. I was introduced to porn at young age, due to snooping. Another seed. I was very aroused by watching, and even more so with the women. I could not wrap my head around it.
I was very promiscuous. I have always been attracted to men and I’ve always had relationships with only men. But the curiosity never left.

Fast Forward:
I am married, 15 years, with two teenagers. My relationship has been rocky majority of our relationship. I’ve never really felt loved by husband. I’m lonely majority of the time. I am in a vulnerable state and I thrive for his attention.
My husband has in the past, accused me of being gay or bisexual. Don’t really remember what brought this on at the time but I was offended. My husband did not know anything about my past at the time. He has never been easy to talk to and he has controlling and has manipulative ways, so I was basically scared. I have never felt “safe” with sharing my heart and deep emotional pain due to judgement and based on how he has reacted in the past.
Our relationship started off very fast. We met, after 6 months we were moved in with each other and after 1 year I was pregnant with our first child. We got married while I was 8 months pregnant. We spent the first year together, everyday. We were “in love” or infatuated. I had just come out of a long relationship and was not looking to be in another one. I had no real healing and I have never been in the position of getting to know myself. As long as I can remember, I have been in a relationship with somebody. My husband is very different from most men I have dated. I have, for the most part, always been put on a pedal stool. I have been cherished. The men always “showed” affection and love toward me. The relationship I had prior to my husband was the one that left me with low self esteem, confused and lonely. He cheated on me…Never thought something like that could happen to”me”. So I went into this marriage blind and broken! Prior to meeting my husband I wrote a list of things I wanted in a mate. Here is some of what I asked for…

“To not always want sex (this guy I was seeing prior, that was all we did), someone that stood on his own, somebody that I wouldn’t be able to push around, someone that can think for himself.” These are just some examples…and let me just tell you, God has a sense of humor!! 🙂 If only I can renounce some of those things I said. God gave me exactly what I asked for. The sad thing is, there is no real intimacy now. He is not affectionate. He doesn’t speak my love language AT ALL! He STANDS ON HIS OWN FOR SURE! He seems very controlling and manipulative at times. We rarely have sex, which is the only way I receive any time of affection or intimacy from him. This has been very hard for me and thus why our relationship has experienced most of its turmoil. Moving on…

I started working for a company and I made quick friends. It was about 7 of us, 3 of them happen to be gay. Not a big issue. I even told my husband that one girl I had become really good friends with was gay. Didn’t think it was a real issue at the time. But my husband started with his thoughts in his head from that moment on. Anyway this young lady I was friends with started to like me. Besides just being curious, there was never any attraction on my end. However I did find it flattering. This was my first time actually being around gay people.
Because of the way my husband is, and because of some of things we were going through, and I don’t know where it started for me exactly, but it made it very difficult to be honest with him about things. I became a big liar early on in our marriage. About everything, big or small. BIG MISTAKE! This has never been a problem in any relationship I have ever had. He use to have problems with everything. He hated that I knew a lot of people. He hated that I had so many friends. I would almost dread going out, in fear of running into someone I knew. I allowed him to manipulate me. I allowed him to get inside my head. This fear would cause me to not want to bring friends around, go out, or basically do anything. I felt myself doing a lot of things in secret, and for no reason at all! Simply based on “feelings”. (gee, there is SO much to my story).

 

DMX and Iyanla “Fix My Life” In Review

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When we watched Iyanla “Fix My Life” last week, we were like WOW!!  We were stunned at how the show went down.  The show featured DMX and apparently was supposed to be solely focussed on his addiction to women. Wrong!!!  This episode focussed on his addiction to women for hot second and then shifted to his addiction to drugs and his contentious relationship with his son.  Well it got pretty interesting from there and eventually lead to DMX calling Iyanla a B!t@h.  Check out the video above and share with us your thoughts.