Marriage Is For Grown Folks!

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ARTICLE: The very first time my husband and I decided to enroll in Marriage Education classes I was so clear that there were some “issues” he needed to work on and I  was just waiting for his “Aha!” moment to come so he could let go of some of his baggage and stop working my nerves. Yup, that was  my thinking— pretty arrogant, right? Well, as each week passed what became clearer and clearer to me was the fact that I might be a bit “touched” too meaning I had some bags I needed to put down myself.  As a matter of fact I learned that I had a whole lot of baggage but I just didn’t realize it because I had been carrying it most of my life. So, I simply didn’t notice it. It was so much a part of me I couldn’t distinguish what part of me was the “real” me and what part was the “contrived” me, if you will.

You see, I believe we all have our real selves and our contrived selves. Our real selves are our most authentic and true selves. Our contrived selves are the person we’ve created  (subconsciously most of the time) to show to the world and yes even to our spouses. So how might this look in our relationships?  Check out VIDEO commentary: “Are You Keepin It Real?” on “Ask The Ma’at’s” Love & Life advice column.

Getting back to my original point…(ya’ll will soon learn—I can jump all around at times!), a real shift occurred in my mind, heart, and soul when I finally began to understand that the marriage God blessed me with, the relationship that I say is most important (after my relationship with The Most High) was not given to me for me to spend most of my time complaining about all of my spouse’s imperfections. Our relationships are not the place for us to let all of our stuff hang out with no regard for how that stuff is weighing us, our partner, and our relationship down. Our relationships are definitely not the place for us to revisit childhood and think that we should get everything our way. One of the biggest challenges I’ve noticed in doing work with couples is the difficulty we have with abandoning our individual agendas and moving towards what’s going to work best for the marriage. Typically, we’re so busy focusing on what our spouse is or isn’t doing that we don’t realize the part we play in perpetuating the problems we want to get rid of!

Marriage is one of the best places to grow and work on YOU if you’re up for it. Marriage is the place where 2 people can come together and pull and push eachother in love to be the best that God created them to be. Marriage is a place where one partner can model for the partner that just doesn’t seem to get it through your actions and not just your words. Marriage is a place where a brand new you can be born if we would just stop looking at our spouse, the next couple, and everywhere else outside of ourselves. Marriage can be a great place to work on SELF. Marriage is for grown folks!

Question: Why do you think people enter into marriage thinking it’s going to be nothing but a romantic cake walk?

“Ask The Ma'at's” Love & Life Advice Column Is Here!

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Have an issue and need some advice?

The “Love and Life” Advice Column is your opportunity to ask The Ma’at’s for a solution to your problem. Whether it’s family, relationship, or career issues—they have the answers. This is the place where we provide perspective and insight to the questions you need answered most! New questions/issues are added daily.

What You Should Know:

1. No questions or topics are off limits.

2. All identities will be kept strictly confidential. In fact, there is no need to include any identifying info at all. Just leave that part of the form blank if you’d like or make up a fun name.

3. You can expect honesty and integrity in our answers.

4.   We  have educated, experienced and well-informed perspectives to draw from.

So, do something different, take a risk and ask that question!!! New questions/issues are added daily.

Submit your question to askus@bintentional.com or submit your question confidentially below.

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The Ma'at's Co-Host A New Web Series: “The Bottom Line” at Black and Married with Kids.com/Episode 1 “Are You In A Relationship Or In Relationship?”

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The Bottom Line – Episode 1 from Tyler New Media on Vimeo.

We, at B Intentional, are so excited about the opportunity we’ve had to partner with Essence Bloggers, Lamar & Ronnie Tyler of Blackandmarriedwithkids.com! We feel this new Web Series will really get some honest, productive, ‘keep it real’ dialogue going. Check out this week’s episode and let us know what you think. Click on the image above and don’t forget to check out the producers at www.blackandmarriedwithkids.com.

What Do You Do To Get Some Space For You?

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VIDEO: When you enter into a relationship you give up some of yourself to achieve a common goal. However, in the midst of merging two lives it’s crucial that you find space to maintain some sense of who you are so you can bring your best to the relationship. QUESTION: What do you do to get some space for you?

I’m Tired Of My Wife Asking Me To Have Sex With Her

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VIDEO: In this show Ayize puts on the table some items of note that he’s recognized from teaching marriage education classes and coaching couples with his wife Aiyana Ma’at. Believe it or not…black men WANT to be vulnerable in their relationships. Black men WANT to be transparent.

Additionally, Ayize talks about why it’s so important to have people that support your marriage in your immediate circle. Lastly, Ayize answers the question from a young man that is being pressured by his wife to have sex with her. Surprisingly he doesn’t want to have sex with his wife. He says he didn’t marry her for sex. Listen in and hear how Ayize addresses this.

CHRISTMAS GIFT ALERT! FREE GIVE AWAY!!! “AUTHENTICITY” THE RELATIONSHIP BOARD GAME

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The holidays are upon us and it’s time to figure out just what to give the folks on your list. Before, you get a headache trying to figure out the perfect gift for the ones you love allow us to make an excellent suggestion. ENTER TO WIN & Give the FREE gift of  Authenticity: The Relationship Board Game.  Authenticity is featured in the December issue of ESSENCE magazine and was created by Sheila Moss-Brown.

Sheila says the game of Authenticity was created to provide people that are dating, engaged or newly married the opportunity to learn more about their mate in a fun, interactive yet informative format. To achieve the full benefits of the game you and your partner must be completely Authentic. To be authentic is to truly be yourself, be proud of your past and your future. The focus is not winning or losing but learning and connecting so that you can determine if there is a love connection or if counseling is in your near future. You can lose this game if you and/or your mate are not authentic in answering the questions. Sheila’s hope is that you find this game helpful in finding that person with which you truly connect.

We, at B Intentional, think this game is a great gift for the cute couples in your life or for you and yours. Remember, we should always be looking for ways to keep the romance alive and the authentic conversation going. TO ENTER, LEAVE A COMMENT BELOW, SUBSCRIBE TO THE BLOG, & BE SURE TO PUT YOUR CORRECT EMAIL ADDRESS (it’s private—no one else will se it) WHEN LEAVING YOUR COMMENT SO WE CAN CONTACT YOU IF YOU’RE THE WINNER! YOU CAN ENTER ONCE EACH DAY THIS WEEK. THE WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED THIS FRIDAY, DEC. 3, 2010. Spread the love & this link!

Happy Holidays,

The Ma’at’s

Happy Thankgiving From Our Family To Yours!

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VIDEO: Take time everyday to give thanks for the large and small things in your life. The spirit of gratitude will go a LONG way. Family is often what people think of when they reflect on what they are thankful for on Thanksgiving. And, family may be a big family of 6 like ours, a family of 2 or maybe just you and the wonderful friends you have in your life. Here, we focus on the importance of defining & creating what we want to experience during the holiday season. Traditions & legacies are built one experience at a time. We all have the power to create warm & fuzzy moments with the ones we love the best! 😉

So, Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours and while you’re lounging around today peruse our website and catch up on web shows and articles that you haven’t had a chance to take a look at. There’s plenty to delve into and to learn and grow from right here so stay awhile! 🙂

~In the Spirit of Love, Family, & Intention,

The Ma’at’s

Marriage Becoming Obsolete??? Don’t Believe The Hype!

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by Aiyana Ma’at  When I turned on my computer yesterday morning and saw the big headline of the day I was instantly—amused. “Four In 10 Say Marriage Is Becoming Obsolete” was the news of the day and the media could not get enough of it. I wonder why it is that the media—shoot, human beings for that matter— are sooo drawn to  and desperate for  “drama” and “shock and awe” in just about everything we produce, read and consume.

Let’s pause for a second here and think about what it is that we’re attracted to. Let’s do a quick test. Which headline do you instinctively pay attention to first. Which would you click on and read first….and tell the truth! 😉

“Tools For Tackling Teen Pregnancy Prevention” versus “The New Epidemic: Teen Pregnancy On The Rise”

“Black Male/Female Relationships In Danger. Who’s Responsible?” versus “Male/Female Relationships In The Black Community”

What about these 2 headlines—which one stands out to you most:

“6 out of 10 Say Marriage Is Here To Stay” versus “4 out of 10 Say Marriage Is Becoming Obsolete”

It should be no secret that “great headlines” get more attention and more attention = more money in some shape, form, or fashion so I guess it doesn’t surprise me that this was the “news” of the day yesterday. However, in my mind after reading the headline I thought to myself…And?…. so what. The majority of folks still believe in the beauty of marriage and the benefits the institution bestows. Here, at Blackloveandmarriage.com folks are trying to “get it right” each and every day and are intentionally pushing to do and be better for themselves and their marriages. We’ve taught, coached, counseled, and given advice to hundreds of married couples around the country who genuinely believe in their marriage and their family and just don’t get down with the “I don’t need nobody” club. Where’s the 50+ headlines (50 is only what I perused…believe me there were much much more) talking about that?

Hey, I ain’t mad about it. Like I said I find it amusing. Just remember this— Always read, listen, and think critically and most of all as the renowned rap group/philosophers, Public Enemy, told us back in the day Don’t Believe The Hype!

Women Need To Compete For Their Man—Whether Just Dating Or Married

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By Aiyana Ma’at Yesterday, while on the way home , I came across the Michael Baisden show on the radio and happened upon an interesting conversation that had a lot of women hot—as in mad. Michael Baisden talked about the fact that women need to compete for a man before they get him and once they have him. When I got home I got on the phone with some single & married sista friends to see what they thought—my idea of a quick little survey. Most of them made comments like this: “Compete? What?! Why? This ain’t no competition!” or “I want to feel as If I’m the only one, as If I’m special—I wouldn’t feel like that If I had to compete for my man.” or “This is my husband. I already got him. Ain’t no need for all that!”

So, I’ll be honest when I first heard the word compete it just rubbed me the wrong way. As women I think we like to focus on the lovey dovey sweet romance of our relationships rather than the nitty gritty, come with your A game, “do what you did to get him even when you got him” part of our relationships. But, if I’m honest a little healthy competition can only help not hurt my marriage. Keeping my game tight and handling my business is a responsibility and a privilege. If men have to compete for women then why do we feel as if it’s beneath us to “compete”? It’s all in how you look at it. For me, personally, it means just a few of the following things:

  • Continually work on listening more and talking less.
  • Make it a point to express my support of my husband in my words and actions.
  • Make sure sex is not some theory in a dusty book on a shelf that never gets opened—give him some regularly.
  • Continue to expand my horizons and my mind so I have something to bring to my relationship intellectually.
  • Keep it honest with him like no one else can—that means I consider his growth by keeping it real with what I say to him and I consider his feelings with how I say things to him.
  • Make sure that I give him space to just be and don’t crowd him out with wanting to have things my way all the time—I’ll admit it—I can be quite self-centered at times.

Again, these are just some of the things that I do to compete for my man. So, sistas, you can get caught up in the word compete and talk about what we shouldn’t have to do or what we ain’t gonna do. But, remember this: What you won’t do—somebody else will.

Please! Please! Let’s Get Counseling!

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VIDEO: We’re revisiting an old post that stirred up a lot of debate in some of our couples groups and classes. To get “outside help” or not to get “outside help”—that is the question. The “C” word……”Counseling” can be a pretty taboo word in the African-American community. Do men have more of an issue with getting professional help than women? What does one do when they feel there are issues in the relationship that need the objectivity and skill of a trained professional but the other person says “Hell no!” Listen is as The Ma’at’s provide perspective.